This page will still be functioning without a function.
It doesn't make sense I know. I thought I was a superwoman; thus two blogs.
But Monash has proved me wrong, so,
No superwoman, Ashwiriya!!
This blog will still be here, in case I'd wanna read my old posts .
But I've moved to
http://unbeateneuphoria.tumblr.com
That's that. Have a good one :)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
leave if you want too.
When someone you think would never disappoint you eventually does disappoints you, it's like you are slapping your own face. That feeling where you just want to hit yourself so hard for having so much hope on one person, even after so many others have disappointed you in many ways.
It's kinda frustrating when there is so much other things you can do, other than making people around you always feel better. But I did not, did not do all the other things to ensure the ones I love are okay. I wasn't doing anything hoping for something in return, but sometimes, I wish they'd just appreciate it.
No one has ever done something for me that I wish they'd have. But I am not complaining, its okay for them to not do anything for me, because they least someone I love could do is appreciate me for who I am. I feel lately, I've been invisible. Maybe in their eyes, I am, or I will always be. I think that one of the most cruel thing you can do to a person is to pretend you care more than you actually do.
I totally understand with the term, we have our own life. We do. I agree, and I totally agree that our lives doesn't revolve around each other, but for me, my life at least; it revolves around making people around me feel better, because it eventually brings positive vibes into me as well. I wouldn't pretend or even assume someone with such a strong figure have no feelings nor fragile side of them.
I have a soft spot for so many people in my life. And just this one soft spot definitely leads to many disappointments. And at one point, there's nothing much you can do about it, because you believed too much in this one person.
Don't take someone for granted just because you know every time you push them away, they'd come back running to you. Cause one day they wont. One day I will not be there, because I've already given up, maybe in you maybe in me. But I've given up on everything. And I wont be there any more, making sure you are doing okay.
Honestly, that is not someone I would want to be, giving up on you or even myself, cause for the past 20 years, the battle I fought to be where I am today will not be worth it at all.
It effects me if you leave, if anyone leaves, it effects me badly, I literally will break, but I'd rather have that once and move on, rather than you doing it over and over again because I don't want to cry to sleep, just because I am invisible to you. I'd rather lose you once than you hurting me over and over again.
x.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Problem #1234
I churn most of my thought when I am driving. I guess its no where I can run too, when my mind is scattered in many ways. But maybe that is one of the reasons why I actually really enjoy driving and a little of traffic jam. Because there is no where I can run at this point, where I am literally nothing to do and my brain will use all this time to think.
I know, over thinking can be bad, but at times, it makes you realize what are your self worth in life.
Last night, I tried to like sleep early because I have a really early class today, thanks to Monash. :D
And I normally don't sleep at 10pm, although that is really ideal. I sleep on average at 2am. Because I have many issues and sleeping is one.
Phone was ringing at 12am for who else other than the ex boyfriend. It was a surprise that he actually called, I mean he never calls and yesterday he did. And I definitely called back, thinking it must be something really important that he would wanna inform me or something, atleast I was hoping for it to be important.
And all he called for is to ask whether I have Lord of the Rings, DVD version. Not blue-ray but DVD. And he specifically told me, that he would not watch it if its Blue-ray. Sometimes I wonder, how did I ever fell in love with a bitch. I mean it was a pretty hard hit on the floor though, this one at least.
So moving on from that conversation, I was pretty upset with Adam right now, I don;t really wanna talk about it with anyone, but definitely someone I trust.
And this guy right here is definitely someone I trust, but the point is trusting is one, but I forget about the fact that I needed someone judgemental. Being a typical indian guy himself, judging is the first thing that he would do.
I realize that sometimes, he feels really happy to see my scar myself this much with emotions. I mean he gives me the most sarcastic comments ever. And the way he has this sarcastic laugh because people are leaving me. And the way he feels, so gay when someone decides to hurt my feelings or anything like that.
I don't understand why is it important for him that I am actually failing. In average right now, I am definitely failing in life, and I know that. I am not waiting for a miracle to change it, but I guess sometimes its just me, just me that I give dealing with people. I distant myself because sometimes, that's just me. And it doesn't really effect me unless someone says it to my face. And I think that is why sometimes I am so reserved that I don't really wanna talk things out with anyone because they judge.
Why can't someone just get through the day without judging or making each other feel bad.
I mean I know you are my ex, but if you really have a problem with my dating life, maybe you should take one turn and look at how I treat you, I am your ex too. And I think I deserve to be treated with much more respect. I didn't cheat on you or hurt your feelings, but why are you still doing it?
Is it because I shrug things off my shoulder easily to prevent trouble, that at the end it makes me look bad always? Or am I just too nice, that you know I eventually forgive you, like always.
I know, over thinking can be bad, but at times, it makes you realize what are your self worth in life.
Last night, I tried to like sleep early because I have a really early class today, thanks to Monash. :D
And I normally don't sleep at 10pm, although that is really ideal. I sleep on average at 2am. Because I have many issues and sleeping is one.
Phone was ringing at 12am for who else other than the ex boyfriend. It was a surprise that he actually called, I mean he never calls and yesterday he did. And I definitely called back, thinking it must be something really important that he would wanna inform me or something, atleast I was hoping for it to be important.
And all he called for is to ask whether I have Lord of the Rings, DVD version. Not blue-ray but DVD. And he specifically told me, that he would not watch it if its Blue-ray. Sometimes I wonder, how did I ever fell in love with a bitch. I mean it was a pretty hard hit on the floor though, this one at least.
So moving on from that conversation, I was pretty upset with Adam right now, I don;t really wanna talk about it with anyone, but definitely someone I trust.
And this guy right here is definitely someone I trust, but the point is trusting is one, but I forget about the fact that I needed someone judgemental. Being a typical indian guy himself, judging is the first thing that he would do.
I realize that sometimes, he feels really happy to see my scar myself this much with emotions. I mean he gives me the most sarcastic comments ever. And the way he has this sarcastic laugh because people are leaving me. And the way he feels, so gay when someone decides to hurt my feelings or anything like that.
I don't understand why is it important for him that I am actually failing. In average right now, I am definitely failing in life, and I know that. I am not waiting for a miracle to change it, but I guess sometimes its just me, just me that I give dealing with people. I distant myself because sometimes, that's just me. And it doesn't really effect me unless someone says it to my face. And I think that is why sometimes I am so reserved that I don't really wanna talk things out with anyone because they judge.
Why can't someone just get through the day without judging or making each other feel bad.
I mean I know you are my ex, but if you really have a problem with my dating life, maybe you should take one turn and look at how I treat you, I am your ex too. And I think I deserve to be treated with much more respect. I didn't cheat on you or hurt your feelings, but why are you still doing it?
Is it because I shrug things off my shoulder easily to prevent trouble, that at the end it makes me look bad always? Or am I just too nice, that you know I eventually forgive you, like always.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
2013
Hello. ! :)
So today is the last day of 2012. And guess what I am doing.
Yup having some alone time at Starbucks cherishing the past 365 days.
The amount of laughter, love, anger, hate and frustration, all sums up to make me this person I am at this very moment.
Although heart breaks are hard to handle, I definitely believe I've dealt with it great and it has definitely made me a better person.
During this year, I've met many new people and not forgetting those old ones who never gave up on me, :) thanks. And those who I never thought would leave, which eventually left, it hurts but I guess its all lessons for me to be a better person. Thanks for that too.
As much as I miss you, I am sure what we did is for the best, the only thing I wish for is that we stop pretending to be okay, when clearly everyone knows we are not. Its sad, for many of them, but I guess people need to deal with it.
Moving on,
I realize I've made many selfish and important decisions for life in future this year. I have. And I've never worked this hard to actually do good, and thanks to all the pressure.
Decisions that I made definitely got me thinking a lot, and all the decisions, okay maybe mostly was just what I need, what I needed to do to make me better, which includes, pushing people who genuinely cared away.
I'm sorry that I had to do that, I truly am, but I cant afford to be so attach to so many people and slowly bite my heart off thinking how life would be without them. One of the greatest decisions I've made is to stay alone. I'd rather be alone than to have the thought of losing somebody, unless my mum manages to talk me out of it. My point is, I feel that at this very moment I am so attached to so many people in life, and the last thing I have to do is lure more people into my life. I don't want to do that, because I don't think all this would work, basically.
I know no one would read here, but I think I am better off writing it out that actually explaining how much they mean to me.
I love you all, for always being there and caring. Thanks for all the bitter sweet memories created throughout the year and thank you for always lending me your should when I needed one. Mostly, thanks for all the happiness that you guys gave me, thanks for the amazing 2012, and lets kick some 2013 asses, shall we?
Loads of love,
Ashwi.
xx.
So today is the last day of 2012. And guess what I am doing.
Yup having some alone time at Starbucks cherishing the past 365 days.
The amount of laughter, love, anger, hate and frustration, all sums up to make me this person I am at this very moment.
Although heart breaks are hard to handle, I definitely believe I've dealt with it great and it has definitely made me a better person.
During this year, I've met many new people and not forgetting those old ones who never gave up on me, :) thanks. And those who I never thought would leave, which eventually left, it hurts but I guess its all lessons for me to be a better person. Thanks for that too.
As much as I miss you, I am sure what we did is for the best, the only thing I wish for is that we stop pretending to be okay, when clearly everyone knows we are not. Its sad, for many of them, but I guess people need to deal with it.
Moving on,
I realize I've made many selfish and important decisions for life in future this year. I have. And I've never worked this hard to actually do good, and thanks to all the pressure.
Decisions that I made definitely got me thinking a lot, and all the decisions, okay maybe mostly was just what I need, what I needed to do to make me better, which includes, pushing people who genuinely cared away.
I'm sorry that I had to do that, I truly am, but I cant afford to be so attach to so many people and slowly bite my heart off thinking how life would be without them. One of the greatest decisions I've made is to stay alone. I'd rather be alone than to have the thought of losing somebody, unless my mum manages to talk me out of it. My point is, I feel that at this very moment I am so attached to so many people in life, and the last thing I have to do is lure more people into my life. I don't want to do that, because I don't think all this would work, basically.
I know no one would read here, but I think I am better off writing it out that actually explaining how much they mean to me.
I love you all, for always being there and caring. Thanks for all the bitter sweet memories created throughout the year and thank you for always lending me your should when I needed one. Mostly, thanks for all the happiness that you guys gave me, thanks for the amazing 2012, and lets kick some 2013 asses, shall we?
Loads of love,
Ashwi.
xx.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Christmas.
Merry Christmas loves.
Its time of jolly wolly and alcohol.
I had the best Christmas eve ever. Last night.
Today I'm just tired asfuck.
I dont know why I had to drink too much. It was free and comfortable because it was infront of y parents I think. Like I don't have to hide the fact that I drink and I do get drunk.
But overall, I regret doing it last night.
Pretty much irresponsible I would say. :)
But I wish it was much better, and
I hope you are having a amazing Christmas, whoever you are.
I love you loads.
Ashwi.
Its time of jolly wolly and alcohol.
I had the best Christmas eve ever. Last night.
Today I'm just tired as
I dont know why I had to drink too much. It was free and comfortable because it was infront of y parents I think. Like I don't have to hide the fact that I drink and I do get drunk.
But overall, I regret doing it last night.
Pretty much irresponsible I would say. :)
But I wish it was much better, and
I hope you are having a amazing Christmas, whoever you are.
I love you loads.
Ashwi.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
love, hurts too much.
Hope. Its the only thing stronger than fear.
- The Hunger Games
So I really have been away for quite some time from here. I guess university took too much of my time. And honestly I realize that I can never come up with any other excuse that university. But its the truth. I guess the next four years of my life would just be, this.
So my mid semester break officially started yesterday. For one week, I mean it also includes Christmas and New Years break. Sadly, the combine everything and gave us like just one week holiday. So today is like officially the first day and what I was doing. Definitely, downloading and watching movies at home. I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower, 21 Jump Street & LOL.
By watching these movies, one this that was in common is the fact that you love something/someone too much that it actually hurts.
When I think about it, over and over again, it does really hurt because you just love this person too much, be it whoever and we are shoved with the fact that nothing last forever. Thus you know all this love, not forever. And it hurts.
They say when you fall in love, don't stumble. Just have that gentle fall because they gentle fall may keep you occupied till its gone, when its gone, that gentle fall, makes you stand near a cliff and it would be so much easier to pull yourself back together.
Sometime we can say that love is also like a knife. Just imagine, falling in love, it can either make you or break you. The knife can carve beautiful images, and also can stab right through you. Its kinda of the end of story when it stabs right through you. However, when it carve this beautiful images in your soul, when, it is always fresh. And the when carving starts to heal, its painful. healing process starts with pain. What I mean is that, think about when everything ends, all these images are memories, memories that aches, because you dont have this happiness anymore in life.
My point is that, I am not going against love or anything, me myself am in love with many people be in family or friends. Then again thinking about the fact that it does last hurts to the very core, but that doesn't make me less the important people less.
I am certain I am not degrading anyone that in love, honestly I am happy that you are, because not everyone is lucky to be in love. And there are handful of people who gives me hope to fall in love, I think. One day maybe.
Right now, it just desires that need to be fulfilled and I'll be good.
ashwi.
- The Hunger Games
So I really have been away for quite some time from here. I guess university took too much of my time. And honestly I realize that I can never come up with any other excuse that university. But its the truth. I guess the next four years of my life would just be, this.
So my mid semester break officially started yesterday. For one week, I mean it also includes Christmas and New Years break. Sadly, the combine everything and gave us like just one week holiday. So today is like officially the first day and what I was doing. Definitely, downloading and watching movies at home. I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower, 21 Jump Street & LOL.
By watching these movies, one this that was in common is the fact that you love something/someone too much that it actually hurts.
When I think about it, over and over again, it does really hurt because you just love this person too much, be it whoever and we are shoved with the fact that nothing last forever. Thus you know all this love, not forever. And it hurts.
They say when you fall in love, don't stumble. Just have that gentle fall because they gentle fall may keep you occupied till its gone, when its gone, that gentle fall, makes you stand near a cliff and it would be so much easier to pull yourself back together.
Sometime we can say that love is also like a knife. Just imagine, falling in love, it can either make you or break you. The knife can carve beautiful images, and also can stab right through you. Its kinda of the end of story when it stabs right through you. However, when it carve this beautiful images in your soul, when, it is always fresh. And the when carving starts to heal, its painful. healing process starts with pain. What I mean is that, think about when everything ends, all these images are memories, memories that aches, because you dont have this happiness anymore in life.
My point is that, I am not going against love or anything, me myself am in love with many people be in family or friends. Then again thinking about the fact that it does last hurts to the very core, but that doesn't make me less the important people less.
I am certain I am not degrading anyone that in love, honestly I am happy that you are, because not everyone is lucky to be in love. And there are handful of people who gives me hope to fall in love, I think. One day maybe.
Right now, it just desires that need to be fulfilled and I'll be good.
ashwi.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Happy Birthday, ex lover.
I started dating, or I would say that I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. Yup as young as that. And he was 17. And yup we fell in love, out of love, in love again and it was an on off thing for almost 4 years. We knew that we needed each other but the point was we couldn't stand each other.
When I was 18, and he was 20 we decided that we had to let go of each other, but we realize everything we've gone through would be a waste if we didn't try at least a little to save this relationship.
And honestly we did. We did make it up because we started off bestfriends really young and no matter what happened, even the bits where we fell in love and fell out of love, the relationship we had for that four amazing years was worth saving.
This year marks the 6th year of our friendship, six years of fights and loves and problems and arguments. Heck, it was worth it. And he is turning 23 tomorrow. My ex, my bestfriend, my friend, my first love, the guy that was there for me most of the time.
Its his birthday tomorrow and I would like to wish him Happy Birthday and thank you for always being there.
You see they say that you can be friends, after falling out of love, with you ex. But I did it. Till this very moment we are friends and we love each other dearly. We love each other too much to let go of what we had. He was the only guy that saw me grow up, till who I am today. He knows me too well.
My point is I believe that lovers can be friends, and you need to be lucky to have this special relationship. And to be lucky, you just have to put your mind to it and have the intention wanting your ex to be your friend. :)
Monday, December 10, 2012
perfect night.
Honestly, I ran behind him like a puppy dog within a week.
The smile I had knowing he is still there with me. NOTHING BEATS THAT.
Okays, so I met him after one week, and honestly his face was kinda blur in my mind, but when I saw him. I was really happy. I spent solid 4 hours, which made up to the whole week. And I couldn't telling the world how perfect was last night. And how everything ended was just amazing. For me.
When I say perfect way to end the night. I believe that 49% of the world thinks that I actually had sex.
Honestly, it wasn't sex.
It was perfect because, I got to be with him. Till he finished. And what was more perfect is he walked me to my car. From the location to the lift. In the lift till my car. When we reached at my car. I got a really tight hug. A kiss on my forehead. And "drive safe" and he left.
For me, last night was perfect.
Not those hot make out sessions we have.
Just last night. Made me realize, how much this person actually means to me.
He definitely made me feel special.
Right now, nothing can beat that.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Till we meet again.
Everything starts with the quote practice makes perfect. Okay. It doesn't really click to this situation but I think at the end you would understand my point.
We realize that when we do something over and over again. It gets much easier. Like for example carrying a 5kg weight would be difficult on the first day. Then when we do it for a week we realize 5kg is much more lighter. Yeap. The body get use to weight.
Or when we learn the art of studying. At beginning sitting for 5 minutes is difficult but then the more you do it the more easier it get. You gotta agree.
Then we have something that effects us emotionally. Okay. Like goodbyes. You think that when you are use to saying goodbyes it gets easier but the fact is it doesn't. It never get easy to say goodbye to someone that means so much to you. Let it be. A friend, best friend, boyfriend or anyone.
You see the thing about goodbyes is that there are two type. One is the permanent goodbye and then the other is the temporary. I realize that at the end of the day it's still goodbye. You are still not gonna see this person. Being forever or temporary.
We think temporary is easier but I realize today it's not. It's my easy to just say goodbye.
Like when I go out with my friends. I don't say goodbye. We go on like drive safe. See you soon. Or even just with Take Care.
We never say goodbye.
I started to question myself. Maybe when it's temporary. You don't need to say good bye. But we shouldn't. Should not stop ourselves from saying goodbye because I feel that we have no freaking idea what is gonna happen to us on the next 5 seconds. Do you.?
I feel that we need to say a proper goodbye. So that we wouldn't regret it later right.
I did regret for not kissing my grandad on the cheek the night before he slept forever. And all that I'm keeping is the socks he wore that night. I find it rather pathetic. Socks of everything.
Sad, better than nothing right.
Moving on. Today is like the last day before I start again with another trainer that basically bullies me as much he could. But I don't think I have a choice right.
But I think I actually didn't say goodbye to Adam. Okay I didn't even say thanks. Maybe I was really just flash backing everything. And I was very into the moment.
But I think, although its not forever. We both deserve a amazing goodbye. Because he was important to me and I think I am important to him too.
My point is. It's not easy. You know saying goodbyes to people over and over and still when you face the situation again. You realize like its the hardest thing to do. And I think honestly I didn't wanna say goodbye. I didn't feel like doing if because I don't want him to go.
But it's the right thing to do. I have another day to just let things go. Just let the pieces fall on the place itself. Another day, I shall cherish you annoying presence. :)
Adam.
Thank you. And till we meet again. :)
Love. Ashwi.
We realize that when we do something over and over again. It gets much easier. Like for example carrying a 5kg weight would be difficult on the first day. Then when we do it for a week we realize 5kg is much more lighter. Yeap. The body get use to weight.
Or when we learn the art of studying. At beginning sitting for 5 minutes is difficult but then the more you do it the more easier it get. You gotta agree.
Then we have something that effects us emotionally. Okay. Like goodbyes. You think that when you are use to saying goodbyes it gets easier but the fact is it doesn't. It never get easy to say goodbye to someone that means so much to you. Let it be. A friend, best friend, boyfriend or anyone.
You see the thing about goodbyes is that there are two type. One is the permanent goodbye and then the other is the temporary. I realize that at the end of the day it's still goodbye. You are still not gonna see this person. Being forever or temporary.
We think temporary is easier but I realize today it's not. It's my easy to just say goodbye.
Like when I go out with my friends. I don't say goodbye. We go on like drive safe. See you soon. Or even just with Take Care.
We never say goodbye.
I started to question myself. Maybe when it's temporary. You don't need to say good bye. But we shouldn't. Should not stop ourselves from saying goodbye because I feel that we have no freaking idea what is gonna happen to us on the next 5 seconds. Do you.?
I feel that we need to say a proper goodbye. So that we wouldn't regret it later right.
I did regret for not kissing my grandad on the cheek the night before he slept forever. And all that I'm keeping is the socks he wore that night. I find it rather pathetic. Socks of everything.
Sad, better than nothing right.
Moving on. Today is like the last day before I start again with another trainer that basically bullies me as much he could. But I don't think I have a choice right.
But I think I actually didn't say goodbye to Adam. Okay I didn't even say thanks. Maybe I was really just flash backing everything. And I was very into the moment.
But I think, although its not forever. We both deserve a amazing goodbye. Because he was important to me and I think I am important to him too.
My point is. It's not easy. You know saying goodbyes to people over and over and still when you face the situation again. You realize like its the hardest thing to do. And I think honestly I didn't wanna say goodbye. I didn't feel like doing if because I don't want him to go.
But it's the right thing to do. I have another day to just let things go. Just let the pieces fall on the place itself. Another day, I shall cherish you annoying presence. :)
Adam.
Thank you. And till we meet again. :)
Love. Ashwi.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
.xx.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about myself.
Like,
Am I really this person I think I am, or am this person that the world thinks I am.
Because I give up.
I don't know what is that I am doing wrong.
I feel that everything is just crumbling down.
With Adam leaving, where am I suppose to go.
Why am I losing everyone I love.
I know what you are thinking.
Adam is not going to another country or anything like that,
BUT,
He is not there. You know. Not there for me. Not there. I won't be seeing his annoying duck face everyday.
And I don't know how am I gonna handle it, when I am down because when I was, when the world shuts down on me, he didn't.
I really don't know what to do.
Like,
Am I really this person I think I am, or am this person that the world thinks I am.
Because I give up.
I don't know what is that I am doing wrong.
I feel that everything is just crumbling down.
With Adam leaving, where am I suppose to go.
Why am I losing everyone I love.
I know what you are thinking.
Adam is not going to another country or anything like that,
BUT,
He is not there. You know. Not there for me. Not there. I won't be seeing his annoying duck face everyday.
And I don't know how am I gonna handle it, when I am down because when I was, when the world shuts down on me, he didn't.
I really don't know what to do.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Leaving.
What is fear. Really. Do we have any idea what fear means. Is it just the fact that we are scared of something or there's something more than that. Fear is really have different meaning to different people. To be honest, fear is just something really unexplainable. I guess.
For me fear is something that haunts me because it has happened in the past that I really don't want to face in the future. Like I have this fear of losing people because lately I guess everyone knows that the people I love. Just drifting away. Like there was something. Like something bad happened. Or maybe it's just the normal thing in life that people leave. But I have like really low tolerance towards it.
It's been almost 3 years now. My grandfather left me. I remember how the day went. I remember what happened on that night and the night before. I remember every single thing like I've been watching the footage of the day over and over again. Actually I didn't. I didn't at all. I just remember it naturally because it was really heartbreaking.
My tutor came over that Sunday morning. Because I had an chemistry paper coming up and I was bad at chemistry. The tutor was tutoring me at the dining room from 9am to 11am. My grandfather was not out of his room yet. I don't know why but my grandma doesn't sleep with him. I guess it was the age issue. So my grandma was awake and all but she didn't wanna knock the door because I was having my tuition. She didn't wanna disturb us. And when I sent off the tutor, it never occur to me that anything like this would happen because the night before, we watched football, World Cup and we went to bed together. I put him to bed. Pulled the blanket and made sure that the door was lock and made sure my favorite man was comfortable. And I was so sure that he was alright and he was just feeling a little under the weather because when he is not well he is a little grumpy that he tend to shut us all down. So I thought it was like that I know that no one would not still sleep after being knocked at for almost 15 minutes. And it was a Sunday. All was at home even dad. Dad freaked out and broke the door and when we entered we found him on the floor so cold. I started crying and I called my uncle. Who was working but at the time he was at home. And arrived in less than 3 minutes. We all lived nearby. Neighbors to be exact. And when he came. He tried. Everything he could but it was just too late to take him to the hospital because he was gone. Forever. Without telling anything to any of us. I mean. I was so mad and I actually didn't believe. I remember crying so loud to my sister asking her to tell him to wake up. And there was my mother and grandmother crying. My mum was literally in a really bad shape. We all couldn't stop. And that moment my sister screamed at us that he is not gonna come back. I was so upset. Sad. Scared and annoyed that everyone is touching him. I'm like just screwing everyone who touches my grandfather because he don't like it. He doesn't like anyone touching him. I cried the whole day. The whole night. And time flew really fast. I wish it was slower so that I could have seen him a little more. But days like this. Time flies so fast. Within a blink it was the funeral morning. Rightfully. My sister was suppose to do all the prayer as the eldest granddaughter. But she didn't. She wanted me to do because she know how much me and my grandfather meant to each other. And I couldn't cry anymore. Because I know he was never gonna come back. There's nothing I can do that would make him wake up. And I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be strong for my mother and grandmother. And that day passed to now still here in my mind like it happened yesterday.
For 18 years of my life, I didn't thought of this day. Because I thought I would not lose someone or anyone. I thought I can all keep the person I loved by me and they wouldn't wanna leave me as well. But I think I'm wrong. Wrong that people leave. By choice or by nature.
There's nothing I can do if they leave by nature.
And I realize that I can't do anything too if the wanna leave by choice too. How do I change someone. You see the thing about someone leaving you. Maybe not permanent or permanent. You can say that you are not like leaving 'leaving'. You sometimes you will be around but it's doesn't make a different because you have decided to leave. Even though coming back every once a week is not gonna make everything the same. Because leaving makes a significant difference. Although we say we are coming back. Once a week or once a month or once a year.
With everything that is happening. I just feel powerless be ause I think I am being selfish. The point is I know I am being selfish. But I wish people knew that it effects others. Maybe little maybe more. For me. When someon leaves me. I get scared. Because to be honest I don't keep everyone so close to me or I would say that I don't get emotionally attached to everyone. The one I'm not doesn't bother me but if you attached to me emotionally. I'm scared. Scared of you leaving me. I don't know how it would be because I'm not gonna see this person anymore and it scares me bacause I don't know who is gonna tell me that I am actually really gonna be alright. And I'm also losing this wonderful being.
It would be weird to not care if someone you are really close to you leaves right.
To be honest. I'm tired. I'm tired of everyone walking out of my life.
But I'm just gonna let it be. Let it be and adapt myself to it no matter how long it's takes. Because I'm also tired of fixing things. For putting too much effort on all this bullshit that doesn't seem worth it at the end.
This is how the story went
For me fear is something that haunts me because it has happened in the past that I really don't want to face in the future. Like I have this fear of losing people because lately I guess everyone knows that the people I love. Just drifting away. Like there was something. Like something bad happened. Or maybe it's just the normal thing in life that people leave. But I have like really low tolerance towards it.
It's been almost 3 years now. My grandfather left me. I remember how the day went. I remember what happened on that night and the night before. I remember every single thing like I've been watching the footage of the day over and over again. Actually I didn't. I didn't at all. I just remember it naturally because it was really heartbreaking.
My tutor came over that Sunday morning. Because I had an chemistry paper coming up and I was bad at chemistry. The tutor was tutoring me at the dining room from 9am to 11am. My grandfather was not out of his room yet. I don't know why but my grandma doesn't sleep with him. I guess it was the age issue. So my grandma was awake and all but she didn't wanna knock the door because I was having my tuition. She didn't wanna disturb us. And when I sent off the tutor, it never occur to me that anything like this would happen because the night before, we watched football, World Cup and we went to bed together. I put him to bed. Pulled the blanket and made sure that the door was lock and made sure my favorite man was comfortable. And I was so sure that he was alright and he was just feeling a little under the weather because when he is not well he is a little grumpy that he tend to shut us all down. So I thought it was like that I know that no one would not still sleep after being knocked at for almost 15 minutes. And it was a Sunday. All was at home even dad. Dad freaked out and broke the door and when we entered we found him on the floor so cold. I started crying and I called my uncle. Who was working but at the time he was at home. And arrived in less than 3 minutes. We all lived nearby. Neighbors to be exact. And when he came. He tried. Everything he could but it was just too late to take him to the hospital because he was gone. Forever. Without telling anything to any of us. I mean. I was so mad and I actually didn't believe. I remember crying so loud to my sister asking her to tell him to wake up. And there was my mother and grandmother crying. My mum was literally in a really bad shape. We all couldn't stop. And that moment my sister screamed at us that he is not gonna come back. I was so upset. Sad. Scared and annoyed that everyone is touching him. I'm like just screwing everyone who touches my grandfather because he don't like it. He doesn't like anyone touching him. I cried the whole day. The whole night. And time flew really fast. I wish it was slower so that I could have seen him a little more. But days like this. Time flies so fast. Within a blink it was the funeral morning. Rightfully. My sister was suppose to do all the prayer as the eldest granddaughter. But she didn't. She wanted me to do because she know how much me and my grandfather meant to each other. And I couldn't cry anymore. Because I know he was never gonna come back. There's nothing I can do that would make him wake up. And I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be strong for my mother and grandmother. And that day passed to now still here in my mind like it happened yesterday.
For 18 years of my life, I didn't thought of this day. Because I thought I would not lose someone or anyone. I thought I can all keep the person I loved by me and they wouldn't wanna leave me as well. But I think I'm wrong. Wrong that people leave. By choice or by nature.
There's nothing I can do if they leave by nature.
And I realize that I can't do anything too if the wanna leave by choice too. How do I change someone. You see the thing about someone leaving you. Maybe not permanent or permanent. You can say that you are not like leaving 'leaving'. You sometimes you will be around but it's doesn't make a different because you have decided to leave. Even though coming back every once a week is not gonna make everything the same. Because leaving makes a significant difference. Although we say we are coming back. Once a week or once a month or once a year.
With everything that is happening. I just feel powerless be ause I think I am being selfish. The point is I know I am being selfish. But I wish people knew that it effects others. Maybe little maybe more. For me. When someon leaves me. I get scared. Because to be honest I don't keep everyone so close to me or I would say that I don't get emotionally attached to everyone. The one I'm not doesn't bother me but if you attached to me emotionally. I'm scared. Scared of you leaving me. I don't know how it would be because I'm not gonna see this person anymore and it scares me bacause I don't know who is gonna tell me that I am actually really gonna be alright. And I'm also losing this wonderful being.
It would be weird to not care if someone you are really close to you leaves right.
To be honest. I'm tired. I'm tired of everyone walking out of my life.
But I'm just gonna let it be. Let it be and adapt myself to it no matter how long it's takes. Because I'm also tired of fixing things. For putting too much effort on all this bullshit that doesn't seem worth it at the end.
This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away
And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, buried them away
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Dropped you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watched you wave
And watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
And neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away, yeah
Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
It's calling me home
It's calling me home
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Adele, Hiding My Heart
Friday, November 23, 2012
Selfish.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Marilyn Monroe
I think we all know that quote, because at one point every single girl on Facebook was posting it, and to be honest, I think I can remember that quote by now.
But that is not my point, my point is . That is true. It is true that we feel that way.
No matter a girl or a guy.
We are all selfish.And being selfish, can be a good thing or a bad thing its just that as we grew, whenever we say selfish, all we think off is something mean that people do to other.
Its like a 80%, 20% thing. 20% good, obviously.
____________________________________
. I mean I always assume no one reads my blog. And I wonder why I don't write like a traditional paper and pen journal, that I need this space to write. I feel that, I've been writing my whole life in school and I prefer typing and I know that no matter what happen, I cant burn this shit down, that it's kinda permanent that it is in the internet, even when I delete the blog, google will somehow find it for me. And whatever I write, are just basically that scattered emotions, that my mind needs to puke.
I know that lately, I've been telling everyone to go away. I mean I am being really selfish because I don't want to get hurt, and I am just tired you know. Off caring for people and they leaving me hanging alone at the end of the day. I mean sometimes we say that having that one friend is all that matters, but to be honest, I don't want to annoy that only one friend I got. Or just I don't want to portray myself to be so full of problems. I want my friends to have a friend that they would say, she's a keeper.
That feeling you have when you know you are better than all of this. That you know, you can be that bubbly person all over again, and the only way to do is to be around someone that means something to you. I feel that I have a really small circle of friends & family that means something to me, and now I am just so afraid to lose them. I don't like the fact that I constantly think about how I will be if they left me too, all the others.
Maybe I know, it's me. That I am too fragile for someone to handle. That I get so attached to someone that it is scary when you think about it. And now when I know that I have this fear all over me, that I don't want to be attached, even to a friend. Because I would really go through a breakdown if I lose them, thinking of the fact that, nothing lasts forever.
But I think it's life. Just that nature you know, as you grow, you start to lose people and also gain some. But the most important part about this whole routine is the fact that you grow, you are gonna grow and become this person that is strong, that you are immune to the fact that at one point, as we grow old, we will not be how we are today. We will not have the same people we have today, unless you have a few like you know, the keepers.
I really thought you were the best, someone that I would do anything for. And until this very moment, I am so close to like pick up my phone and you know and take it through to keep you around for a little while more. And I realize I am just being really selfish that I realize you will come back too me if I want you too, but I don't want to do that because you are an amazing friend and you don't deserve it. You don't deserve to be a friend to someone selfish like me. I just want to cling to you because I don't have anyone. I don't know if you are reading this or not if you are.
I am sorry. Sorry for everything, but I don't want you anymore, because even if we have something after this, it wouldn't be something genuine, I am just being selfish because I want someone to care for me and in a way, I am using you. And I don't want that because I know you don't deserve it.
xx
Marilyn Monroe
I think we all know that quote, because at one point every single girl on Facebook was posting it, and to be honest, I think I can remember that quote by now.
But that is not my point, my point is . That is true. It is true that we feel that way.
No matter a girl or a guy.
We are all selfish.And being selfish, can be a good thing or a bad thing its just that as we grew, whenever we say selfish, all we think off is something mean that people do to other.
Its like a 80%, 20% thing. 20% good, obviously.
____________________________________
. I mean I always assume no one reads my blog. And I wonder why I don't write like a traditional paper and pen journal, that I need this space to write. I feel that, I've been writing my whole life in school and I prefer typing and I know that no matter what happen, I cant burn this shit down, that it's kinda permanent that it is in the internet, even when I delete the blog, google will somehow find it for me. And whatever I write, are just basically that scattered emotions, that my mind needs to puke.
I know that lately, I've been telling everyone to go away. I mean I am being really selfish because I don't want to get hurt, and I am just tired you know. Off caring for people and they leaving me hanging alone at the end of the day. I mean sometimes we say that having that one friend is all that matters, but to be honest, I don't want to annoy that only one friend I got. Or just I don't want to portray myself to be so full of problems. I want my friends to have a friend that they would say, she's a keeper.
That feeling you have when you know you are better than all of this. That you know, you can be that bubbly person all over again, and the only way to do is to be around someone that means something to you. I feel that I have a really small circle of friends & family that means something to me, and now I am just so afraid to lose them. I don't like the fact that I constantly think about how I will be if they left me too, all the others.
Maybe I know, it's me. That I am too fragile for someone to handle. That I get so attached to someone that it is scary when you think about it. And now when I know that I have this fear all over me, that I don't want to be attached, even to a friend. Because I would really go through a breakdown if I lose them, thinking of the fact that, nothing lasts forever.
But I think it's life. Just that nature you know, as you grow, you start to lose people and also gain some. But the most important part about this whole routine is the fact that you grow, you are gonna grow and become this person that is strong, that you are immune to the fact that at one point, as we grow old, we will not be how we are today. We will not have the same people we have today, unless you have a few like you know, the keepers.
I really thought you were the best, someone that I would do anything for. And until this very moment, I am so close to like pick up my phone and you know and take it through to keep you around for a little while more. And I realize I am just being really selfish that I realize you will come back too me if I want you too, but I don't want to do that because you are an amazing friend and you don't deserve it. You don't deserve to be a friend to someone selfish like me. I just want to cling to you because I don't have anyone. I don't know if you are reading this or not if you are.
I am sorry. Sorry for everything, but I don't want you anymore, because even if we have something after this, it wouldn't be something genuine, I am just being selfish because I want someone to care for me and in a way, I am using you. And I don't want that because I know you don't deserve it.
xx
Monday, November 19, 2012
fix the broken pieces.
I think that for the next few weeks, I'm just gonna rant about weakness.
I admit though, I feel weak. I feel so weak not physically but emotionally.
I feel weak that I never fight for myself. I just let you take over and throw everything you wanted at me.
I don't like the fact that I just force myself to be the weak one and let in, and just accept everything like it was my mistake.
Because we both know, it is not.
It is not mistake that you took everything i say or write or even tweet about personally. Its not my fault that you feel so insecure about what I feel because you know that at one point you know that it is true.
I feel that we pretty much live in a very cruel world. That we are thought to not show our weakness to people because we are afraid that at the end, that exact weakness is used upon us. Because as far as I observe, I realize that this is why I don't really show how weak I am. I just pretend to be this really strong person and those nights when I tell that I am not okay, people assume that I am fine, because I've always been strong. Never weak. At all.
I realize that how you portray yourself to be is how your surrounding will treat. If you portray yourself to be this person, it takes awhile for someone to change their perspective about you. Sometimes they never, like the say first impression is everything but they don't realize that first impression is not everything, people change, so does the perception they wish to portray to us.
By not addressing the weakness we have, I feel that we are losing so much as an individual. I feel that without letting out your weakness, you can never overcome the weakness. I mean if you look at it from a another point of view, maybe you can. And that would be like all the physical stuff you know, like fear of animals and stuff.
What about fear of rejection. How would you over come it, as you know people would definitely reject you. Even after becoming a better person, do you think that you would actually overcome the fear of rejection because I don't think becoming better physically is not gonna make you feel better emotionally.
How are we suppose to change, when every mistake is used up against us. Like how do you do that.
Then you have people like me, who would do anything to the extend of taking the blame just to make sure that no one gets hurt but then its okay for myself to be hurt because, I think I can deal with it, but the truth is I can't. I always need someone to tell me that I will be alright or someone tell me anything to make myself feel better.
Its funny that you can pretend that nothing happened between us. Like you can be so okay about it, but I thought we were both in this friendship together, the fact that you moved on so fast and have new friends, but here I am still writing and wasting my time thinking about you. Still telling myself to forgive you, but the heart just doesn't want to allow.
And maybe I should stop forgiving, because after this few days, I realize that I don't matter anymore to you, so I am not gonna apologize just to make things better.
Maybe I should really stop fixing something that is to broken to fix.
I admit though, I feel weak. I feel so weak not physically but emotionally.
I feel weak that I never fight for myself. I just let you take over and throw everything you wanted at me.
I don't like the fact that I just force myself to be the weak one and let in, and just accept everything like it was my mistake.
Because we both know, it is not.
It is not mistake that you took everything i say or write or even tweet about personally. Its not my fault that you feel so insecure about what I feel because you know that at one point you know that it is true.
I feel that we pretty much live in a very cruel world. That we are thought to not show our weakness to people because we are afraid that at the end, that exact weakness is used upon us. Because as far as I observe, I realize that this is why I don't really show how weak I am. I just pretend to be this really strong person and those nights when I tell that I am not okay, people assume that I am fine, because I've always been strong. Never weak. At all.
I realize that how you portray yourself to be is how your surrounding will treat. If you portray yourself to be this person, it takes awhile for someone to change their perspective about you. Sometimes they never, like the say first impression is everything but they don't realize that first impression is not everything, people change, so does the perception they wish to portray to us.
By not addressing the weakness we have, I feel that we are losing so much as an individual. I feel that without letting out your weakness, you can never overcome the weakness. I mean if you look at it from a another point of view, maybe you can. And that would be like all the physical stuff you know, like fear of animals and stuff.
What about fear of rejection. How would you over come it, as you know people would definitely reject you. Even after becoming a better person, do you think that you would actually overcome the fear of rejection because I don't think becoming better physically is not gonna make you feel better emotionally.
How are we suppose to change, when every mistake is used up against us. Like how do you do that.
Then you have people like me, who would do anything to the extend of taking the blame just to make sure that no one gets hurt but then its okay for myself to be hurt because, I think I can deal with it, but the truth is I can't. I always need someone to tell me that I will be alright or someone tell me anything to make myself feel better.
Its funny that you can pretend that nothing happened between us. Like you can be so okay about it, but I thought we were both in this friendship together, the fact that you moved on so fast and have new friends, but here I am still writing and wasting my time thinking about you. Still telling myself to forgive you, but the heart just doesn't want to allow.
And maybe I should stop forgiving, because after this few days, I realize that I don't matter anymore to you, so I am not gonna apologize just to make things better.
Maybe I should really stop fixing something that is to broken to fix.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Weak.
Today I realize, another thing that actually hurts my feelings. You know.
That scary feeling you have when you think about the situation. Where you wanna just hold your breathe, because you try to actually pay attention to breathing instead of the picture you have in your mind.
The fact that you appear. Whenever you appear on my Facebook, twitter, or even tumblr, I just tend to hold my breathe and not think about all that we had before as best friends. I don't know what you think about us still being best friends. To be honest, after three weeks, I feel like that ship is really sailing away. I haven't sailed yet, but the anchor is lifted already. Now it all depends on the wind. And waves, for the ship to slowly drift away from the harbor.
I don't know how I would feel if you actually appear in front of me. Well all of I can think off doing right now, is running away. Because seeing you, it hurts. Looking at something that I was afraid losing. Its scary. And that feeling sucks. To be honest, if I ran away, would you think I am saving a trouble or actually think that I am afraid of you, and since I am afraid, you tell your friends that I am weak, and afraid to see you so this means I am at fault.
Well I know you, and the second situations is what we both will go through. Where you realize that I am actually weak and you tell it to the world and take that as a leverage because people always say that, a sinner, runs away.
What people don't understand is that sometimes the ones who looks weak or the ones you think is weak, actually is not weak at all. You just say that because it makes you feel better. For me, I don't just call someone weak because no one knows what its like to feel weak, being sad is not a weakness and crying is not a weakness too. Its just your level expressiveness. And you think they are weak because you wouldn't be that emotional. Maybe instead of calling me weak, you should call yourself emotionless which is much more worse that being weak. You consider the ones that run away is weak, but to me, the ones that run away is smart. They are smart because they don't want to get hurt, they are hurt and it would be stupid for them to hurt themselves more.
I admit that I run away. I don't want to confront you because to me, its not worth it. I wanted to save what we have, but after every word you threw to me, I rather save myself from a heartbreak. Its not worth it, to break my heart. Its not worth it for me to fix a broken glass. Because I don't want too. I don't need you to be a nice person, its okay, you have proven to me that you are just the same, but the difference with you is that you try so fucking hard to be nice, but you are just not and you know it.
I should've known earlier because it was obvious you were trying too hard.
I dont hate you or whatsoever.
I just don't like you because whenever I think about you, my whole soul is filled with rage and I don't like myself like that. I am more than that anger, and all you do is rekindle that anger in me.
That scary feeling you have when you think about the situation. Where you wanna just hold your breathe, because you try to actually pay attention to breathing instead of the picture you have in your mind.
The fact that you appear. Whenever you appear on my Facebook, twitter, or even tumblr, I just tend to hold my breathe and not think about all that we had before as best friends. I don't know what you think about us still being best friends. To be honest, after three weeks, I feel like that ship is really sailing away. I haven't sailed yet, but the anchor is lifted already. Now it all depends on the wind. And waves, for the ship to slowly drift away from the harbor.
I don't know how I would feel if you actually appear in front of me. Well all of I can think off doing right now, is running away. Because seeing you, it hurts. Looking at something that I was afraid losing. Its scary. And that feeling sucks. To be honest, if I ran away, would you think I am saving a trouble or actually think that I am afraid of you, and since I am afraid, you tell your friends that I am weak, and afraid to see you so this means I am at fault.
Well I know you, and the second situations is what we both will go through. Where you realize that I am actually weak and you tell it to the world and take that as a leverage because people always say that, a sinner, runs away.
What people don't understand is that sometimes the ones who looks weak or the ones you think is weak, actually is not weak at all. You just say that because it makes you feel better. For me, I don't just call someone weak because no one knows what its like to feel weak, being sad is not a weakness and crying is not a weakness too. Its just your level expressiveness. And you think they are weak because you wouldn't be that emotional. Maybe instead of calling me weak, you should call yourself emotionless which is much more worse that being weak. You consider the ones that run away is weak, but to me, the ones that run away is smart. They are smart because they don't want to get hurt, they are hurt and it would be stupid for them to hurt themselves more.
I admit that I run away. I don't want to confront you because to me, its not worth it. I wanted to save what we have, but after every word you threw to me, I rather save myself from a heartbreak. Its not worth it, to break my heart. Its not worth it for me to fix a broken glass. Because I don't want too. I don't need you to be a nice person, its okay, you have proven to me that you are just the same, but the difference with you is that you try so fucking hard to be nice, but you are just not and you know it.
I should've known earlier because it was obvious you were trying too hard.
I dont hate you or whatsoever.
I just don't like you because whenever I think about you, my whole soul is filled with rage and I don't like myself like that. I am more than that anger, and all you do is rekindle that anger in me.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Exam.
Where do I actually start, I don't know.
I am definitely reaching the highest degree of stress right now. I mean I know it's just two papers.
But thinking about acing both of it is not easy. I feel that its happening to fast. Like I just started my degree few weeks ago and here I am, on the midst of searching for extra time because I need time.
But I am sure I will get through this phase. I always did. But to be honest, I feel like giving up already. I studied like a crazy person yesterday and today, I'm just spazzing like a Mofo. Well not what I do best, but definitely the best right now.
I will try to get back into my books and drown myself in it.
Yesterday, in the midst of studying, I decided to give myself a small break, so I decided to go watch Pitch Perfect. I mean its the "Modern Musical" thingy. Which was fun, it was suppose to be humor. Humorous. But I feel like I took it too personally. I mean that what movies do to us. I at least think they do.
That what writers do. They have this own world of their own. Picturing someone else life. And writing amazing stories like it have effected them. And when the one watches it, all emotions are heighten and you feel like crap because you think that the wrote could relate so much to you, like you were the writer, like the writer interview you and wrote and made a movie about you.
It sucks.
When you feel a lot better and you go to watch a funny movie, believing that you were okay. And to your horror, as funny as it was, there was a deep meaning to all the humor, the covers up so much of darkness, pain and truth.
Maybe this time around, it hit me because that was exactly what I was going through. And I look up to music for help instead of humans. I push people away and keep music. You know all that jazz.
Well, thanks to my ability to constantly tell myself that I will be alright, I am not gonna explode now. Not now when exams are around the cover. And I promise Ill try to not explode right after exam but I don't know. I will definitely try.
tbh,
i fucking hate you for ruining me like this. bitch.
I am definitely reaching the highest degree of stress right now. I mean I know it's just two papers.
But thinking about acing both of it is not easy. I feel that its happening to fast. Like I just started my degree few weeks ago and here I am, on the midst of searching for extra time because I need time.
But I am sure I will get through this phase. I always did. But to be honest, I feel like giving up already. I studied like a crazy person yesterday and today, I'm just spazzing like a Mofo. Well not what I do best, but definitely the best right now.
I will try to get back into my books and drown myself in it.
Yesterday, in the midst of studying, I decided to give myself a small break, so I decided to go watch Pitch Perfect. I mean its the "Modern Musical" thingy. Which was fun, it was suppose to be humor. Humorous. But I feel like I took it too personally. I mean that what movies do to us. I at least think they do.
That what writers do. They have this own world of their own. Picturing someone else life. And writing amazing stories like it have effected them. And when the one watches it, all emotions are heighten and you feel like crap because you think that the wrote could relate so much to you, like you were the writer, like the writer interview you and wrote and made a movie about you.
It sucks.
When you feel a lot better and you go to watch a funny movie, believing that you were okay. And to your horror, as funny as it was, there was a deep meaning to all the humor, the covers up so much of darkness, pain and truth.
Maybe this time around, it hit me because that was exactly what I was going through. And I look up to music for help instead of humans. I push people away and keep music. You know all that jazz.
Well, thanks to my ability to constantly tell myself that I will be alright, I am not gonna explode now. Not now when exams are around the cover. And I promise Ill try to not explode right after exam but I don't know. I will definitely try.
tbh,
i fucking hate you for ruining me like this. bitch.
Friday, November 9, 2012
go away.
It is very obvious to everyone, that the future scares me. I feel like I'm scared my entire life thinking how my future is gonna be like.
I don't know if you think its early to say, but I realize, that I don't want to like get settled in life. You know like having a family.
That kind of settle.
People think I am over reacting. And there are some who thinks that I am making a decision based on my present but eventually in future I would like get married and be in a committed relationship. To be honest, what we are doing now is how we gonna be in the future.
And whenever I plan, like 5 years from now, I don't have a space for another person to come in my life. I really don't because I don't want too. I don't want too because I know I can't handle it, the thought of getting attached to a person and knowing that at the end you are gonna lose them, and thinking that I deserve the best, and I can never find the best because I am not at best. And all this thoughts. It made me make up my mind that I don't want to be committed to another soul. I wanna be committed to a job, to my career. I am not saying I wanna be a career woman, but I'd rather be committed to a career than a man. Because I feel that it is less painful.
There are people who claims that I am doing all this because of a friend, actually no. I am not. I truly understand why someone would even have this thought. Well at least for me, thanks to all of you, who I cared for but never fail to leave me at the end, thanks to all of you that now I feel this way. I mean its a good thing right, that I can save myself from another heartbreak.
Maybe we all screw up and I should forgive and forget people who does, I do forgive but you can't just accept me to forget. And again, think about it, have I ever hurt you, or any of you to deserve all this. All I did was care and I had people telling me mean stuff about things I didn't do, you took my life and you wanted me to change it because you fucking can't control yourself from reading my blog. Like who the fuck does this shit to you so called "best friend".
I am obviously still mad.
Cant you see.
I've been so cold to you.
You know, I don't like this small talk shit, it is obvious enough that I don't want to talk to you, why don't you understand. Why are you keep on coming back to me making me feel bad for ignoring you. Why don't you just get it. You are so happy now, and trust me, you'll be happier without having to try to talk to me. You called yourself a friend, a best friend. Well as one, I wished you knew me better, than throwing all the words that you know would break me. And now you wanna patch things up.?
I don't want to patch things up.
All I want is time.
Time for me to move forward.
Time for me to not care what you did
Time for me to be emotionally stable.
Time for me to switch on my feelings.
Time for me to not feel bad at all.
I need you to give me my space.
You need to let go of me,
Because I did.
Don't come telling me I didn't fight for it.
Well I did,
and within days,
you crushed it again.
I would be a total idiot to make things work.
I know you want to make it work.
But I don't want to.
So maybe its time,
You need to let go of me.
You don't need a friend like me.
I don't want to disappoint or be disappointed.
And at the end of the day, the quiet ones get blamed for everything.
And the world is just so stupid to not hear both side of the story
Before judging.
love.
I don't know if you think its early to say, but I realize, that I don't want to like get settled in life. You know like having a family.
That kind of settle.
People think I am over reacting. And there are some who thinks that I am making a decision based on my present but eventually in future I would like get married and be in a committed relationship. To be honest, what we are doing now is how we gonna be in the future.
And whenever I plan, like 5 years from now, I don't have a space for another person to come in my life. I really don't because I don't want too. I don't want too because I know I can't handle it, the thought of getting attached to a person and knowing that at the end you are gonna lose them, and thinking that I deserve the best, and I can never find the best because I am not at best. And all this thoughts. It made me make up my mind that I don't want to be committed to another soul. I wanna be committed to a job, to my career. I am not saying I wanna be a career woman, but I'd rather be committed to a career than a man. Because I feel that it is less painful.
There are people who claims that I am doing all this because of a friend, actually no. I am not. I truly understand why someone would even have this thought. Well at least for me, thanks to all of you, who I cared for but never fail to leave me at the end, thanks to all of you that now I feel this way. I mean its a good thing right, that I can save myself from another heartbreak.
Maybe we all screw up and I should forgive and forget people who does, I do forgive but you can't just accept me to forget. And again, think about it, have I ever hurt you, or any of you to deserve all this. All I did was care and I had people telling me mean stuff about things I didn't do, you took my life and you wanted me to change it because you fucking can't control yourself from reading my blog. Like who the fuck does this shit to you so called "best friend".
I am obviously still mad.
Cant you see.
I've been so cold to you.
You know, I don't like this small talk shit, it is obvious enough that I don't want to talk to you, why don't you understand. Why are you keep on coming back to me making me feel bad for ignoring you. Why don't you just get it. You are so happy now, and trust me, you'll be happier without having to try to talk to me. You called yourself a friend, a best friend. Well as one, I wished you knew me better, than throwing all the words that you know would break me. And now you wanna patch things up.?
I don't want to patch things up.
All I want is time.
Time for me to move forward.
Time for me to not care what you did
Time for me to be emotionally stable.
Time for me to switch on my feelings.
Time for me to not feel bad at all.
I need you to give me my space.
You need to let go of me,
Because I did.
Don't come telling me I didn't fight for it.
Well I did,
and within days,
you crushed it again.
I would be a total idiot to make things work.
I know you want to make it work.
But I don't want to.
So maybe its time,
You need to let go of me.
You don't need a friend like me.
I don't want to disappoint or be disappointed.
And at the end of the day, the quiet ones get blamed for everything.
And the world is just so stupid to not hear both side of the story
Before judging.
love.
Monday, November 5, 2012
society.
I remember few months ago, I was this person filled with rage, to be honest, too much rage that I was afraid I would explode to the people I love. I mean I was scared I would hurt them, but I don't think I did other than they hurting me of course.
During this period of time, everything that was happening to me, the only person I was blaming was the world, the society. The society that shaped me for who I have become today. But that solely depended on me. Its either I wanna follow what the society does who I wanna do what I believe is right.
And I realize, society is just society. I am apart of the society. We want to change the world, we want to change everyone to think like us. To follow what we think is correct. But the problem is that everyone have their own belief. Everyone was brought up the different way.
For example, me and my sister. We were brought up together with the same set of parents, and with a small age gap but yet we are so different now. She has a total different way of living her life and I have a total different way of living mine. There are points we don't agree to each other but the thing is, that is how she wants to be. And who am I wanting to change that? She has a different society, that thinks alcohol and parties is life. For me, I don't think alcohol and party in life. I like stuff that are more artistic. Like music and art. I believe thats what I live for.
We are all coming from a different background.
For me, I think being healthy is important. Its really important today because its very easy for us to fall ill or get a dangerous disease. The last thing I wanna do before I die is to suffer from pain and die with no hair. You know, and there is not such thing of being big and healthy. There is not such thing as that because in order to be healthy is first to be in that correct form of body where you heigh and weight is inline. And I think people though that saying that fat is ugly is that only way for them to make sure that the future society is healthy. Then again, we misused the whole point of telling the fat is ugly. We misused it. And all the oversized people, couldn't accept the fact that why people say this and started being rebellious about it and going to the extend of thinking that the society is not gonna accept them.
Me being fat for like my whole life, people put me down, a lot for being over weight, and I thought they were just being very mean to me, but now, I thank them, because I work out, I am moving towards becoming an healthy person, extending the length of my life too.
Why all negatives, has to be perceived as negative, why can't you take it and make it as something positive for you, you know, to be a better person.
I think that at one point we wanna be rebellious. As humans, I think we wanna know how it feels to be bad or to be like all those mean people. Its just a phase. I mean you can't just blame the world for everything.
Like me, as the society today, I am offended with the fact that people blames the society for what others do. I mean at the end of the day, there is not one society. There are many. So don't think that just because one person has hurt you or offended you in anyway, you think the whole society is like that person. Maybe you should know first, why is that particular person like that, then decide. Instead of straight just blaming the society.
During this period of time, everything that was happening to me, the only person I was blaming was the world, the society. The society that shaped me for who I have become today. But that solely depended on me. Its either I wanna follow what the society does who I wanna do what I believe is right.
And I realize, society is just society. I am apart of the society. We want to change the world, we want to change everyone to think like us. To follow what we think is correct. But the problem is that everyone have their own belief. Everyone was brought up the different way.
For example, me and my sister. We were brought up together with the same set of parents, and with a small age gap but yet we are so different now. She has a total different way of living her life and I have a total different way of living mine. There are points we don't agree to each other but the thing is, that is how she wants to be. And who am I wanting to change that? She has a different society, that thinks alcohol and parties is life. For me, I don't think alcohol and party in life. I like stuff that are more artistic. Like music and art. I believe thats what I live for.
We are all coming from a different background.
For me, I think being healthy is important. Its really important today because its very easy for us to fall ill or get a dangerous disease. The last thing I wanna do before I die is to suffer from pain and die with no hair. You know, and there is not such thing of being big and healthy. There is not such thing as that because in order to be healthy is first to be in that correct form of body where you heigh and weight is inline. And I think people though that saying that fat is ugly is that only way for them to make sure that the future society is healthy. Then again, we misused the whole point of telling the fat is ugly. We misused it. And all the oversized people, couldn't accept the fact that why people say this and started being rebellious about it and going to the extend of thinking that the society is not gonna accept them.
Me being fat for like my whole life, people put me down, a lot for being over weight, and I thought they were just being very mean to me, but now, I thank them, because I work out, I am moving towards becoming an healthy person, extending the length of my life too.
Why all negatives, has to be perceived as negative, why can't you take it and make it as something positive for you, you know, to be a better person.
I think that at one point we wanna be rebellious. As humans, I think we wanna know how it feels to be bad or to be like all those mean people. Its just a phase. I mean you can't just blame the world for everything.
Like me, as the society today, I am offended with the fact that people blames the society for what others do. I mean at the end of the day, there is not one society. There are many. So don't think that just because one person has hurt you or offended you in anyway, you think the whole society is like that person. Maybe you should know first, why is that particular person like that, then decide. Instead of straight just blaming the society.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
the heist
There are different kind of importance to different people.
For me, there are somethings that are really important, but it is not the same as for another person.
To me, music plays a big part of my life.
It does because I realize that, music never fails me at any condition, thus,
Music is the medication to the soul.
For me at least
I don't have a specific genre that I like or specific genre that I listen too.
I listen to almost everything, as long as it has a beautiful tune and meaningful words.
That I can relate too, then I would listen to it. I think I can't choose one type of music I would listen too.
Rap was not the best fit though, but stuff that Eminem did was okay because I can relate to it. Nicki Minaj, hm, Nop. Her videos are disturbing.
Last night, a friend introduced me to Macklemore. Okay. It was like how when I first found out about Imagine Dragons, and now I'm so in love with the Dragons..
And Macklemore is like whole new level of perspective towards music, especially rap music.
I realize that rappers are genuine. They write what they see. They tell an story using music. The way genuine words blend with a simple piano music, with loads of emotions. And I feel that this is what rappers should do. What rappers should dive in. Its about the story, the story of life, feelings anything that makes people change their mind.
I thank you for making amazing music. I thank you for changing my perspective using one of the things I love the most, music.
Keep making good music.
love.
For me, there are somethings that are really important, but it is not the same as for another person.
To me, music plays a big part of my life.
It does because I realize that, music never fails me at any condition, thus,
Music is the medication to the soul.
For me at least
I don't have a specific genre that I like or specific genre that I listen too.
I listen to almost everything, as long as it has a beautiful tune and meaningful words.
That I can relate too, then I would listen to it. I think I can't choose one type of music I would listen too.
Rap was not the best fit though, but stuff that Eminem did was okay because I can relate to it. Nicki Minaj, hm, Nop. Her videos are disturbing.
Last night, a friend introduced me to Macklemore. Okay. It was like how when I first found out about Imagine Dragons, and now I'm so in love with the Dragons..
And Macklemore is like whole new level of perspective towards music, especially rap music.
I realize that rappers are genuine. They write what they see. They tell an story using music. The way genuine words blend with a simple piano music, with loads of emotions. And I feel that this is what rappers should do. What rappers should dive in. Its about the story, the story of life, feelings anything that makes people change their mind.
I thank you for making amazing music. I thank you for changing my perspective using one of the things I love the most, music.
Keep making good music.
And The Heist is an album that is to die for.
love.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
problem.
As we grow up, we learn that people that weren't suppose to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. You'll blame a new love for things an old love did. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll cry because time is flying by and eventually you'll lose someone you love. So take too many picture, laugh took much, forgive easily, and love like you haven't been hurt. - Anonymous
This would be one of the truest quotes, or phrase that I've ever read. I mean its apart of everyone. That everyone goes through this. Its just some remains silent and not care about it and then there another group of us, that just can't handle the situation the right way.
I am probably the one who doesn't really know how to handle the situation. Well not proud of it, but just stating the bare truth. Why do I really say this. I don't know but I think kinda got the picture why I say that I am this weak person.
I realize, I always portray myself as this person with problems. I think the ratio of me portraying myself to be happy : to myself with problem is like 1: 3. And I think because of this, that I always dwell myself in sadness. Like I don't really takes those happy moments I have and over think them and make me believe that hey, life isn't that bad after all.
I don't do that, and I think that is why I always feel miserable.
And I definitely feel sad for Rhys that, he has to listen to me, I mean theres no happy things that I tell him. I am gonna make a point to talk about everything that makes me happy first, before the sad part. And not so much about the sad part Because he deserves that, he deserves to laugh when he is around me because he is an amazing person.
I realize at the end of the day, its how we wanna look things at. How strong we wanna be for the situation we are currently facing. That some of us would wanna be strong and not look weak because we are afraid that people may hurt us more, and then there are some of us, who is basically the cliff and the broke, in everyday possible. And they feel like its the end, but they don't realize that not every day is a gloomy. I don't realize that tomorrow things will be okay, like how everyday is.
Its up to me whether I wanna put yesterday back and move for today.
And I know what my problems are, and what my prorates are, and I never let go of the reason of why am i here and how I am here today. Because of who, and why I wanna be here, how am I here. I know everything. Its just that sometimes, its just too much to handle, that is also depending on of degree of tolerance towards problem. At the end of the day, we get out of it. We do. There are people who don't, and right now I am not that person. I get out of my problems in a mean way but it helps, I really don't care about other. And thats how I make myself feel better.
At the end of the day we are all selfish in our own ways, that can be a good thing for us and bad thing for someone else or vice versa.
Its just life. So lets start taking loads of pictures, put these fears aside, handle things much much better. Forgive. Not asking to forget, but forgive, it makes you feel like the better person. :)
love.
This would be one of the truest quotes, or phrase that I've ever read. I mean its apart of everyone. That everyone goes through this. Its just some remains silent and not care about it and then there another group of us, that just can't handle the situation the right way.
I am probably the one who doesn't really know how to handle the situation. Well not proud of it, but just stating the bare truth. Why do I really say this. I don't know but I think kinda got the picture why I say that I am this weak person.
I realize, I always portray myself as this person with problems. I think the ratio of me portraying myself to be happy : to myself with problem is like 1: 3. And I think because of this, that I always dwell myself in sadness. Like I don't really takes those happy moments I have and over think them and make me believe that hey, life isn't that bad after all.
I don't do that, and I think that is why I always feel miserable.
And I definitely feel sad for Rhys that, he has to listen to me, I mean theres no happy things that I tell him. I am gonna make a point to talk about everything that makes me happy first, before the sad part. And not so much about the sad part Because he deserves that, he deserves to laugh when he is around me because he is an amazing person.
I realize at the end of the day, its how we wanna look things at. How strong we wanna be for the situation we are currently facing. That some of us would wanna be strong and not look weak because we are afraid that people may hurt us more, and then there are some of us, who is basically the cliff and the broke, in everyday possible. And they feel like its the end, but they don't realize that not every day is a gloomy. I don't realize that tomorrow things will be okay, like how everyday is.
Its up to me whether I wanna put yesterday back and move for today.
And I know what my problems are, and what my prorates are, and I never let go of the reason of why am i here and how I am here today. Because of who, and why I wanna be here, how am I here. I know everything. Its just that sometimes, its just too much to handle, that is also depending on of degree of tolerance towards problem. At the end of the day, we get out of it. We do. There are people who don't, and right now I am not that person. I get out of my problems in a mean way but it helps, I really don't care about other. And thats how I make myself feel better.
At the end of the day we are all selfish in our own ways, that can be a good thing for us and bad thing for someone else or vice versa.
Its just life. So lets start taking loads of pictures, put these fears aside, handle things much much better. Forgive. Not asking to forget, but forgive, it makes you feel like the better person. :)
love.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Strong.
That moment when someone says that they want to kill themselves. And you are just so fed up with the fact that they blackmail you like that, you tell them to go ahead and do it. Because you think that no one would appreciate you if you don't appreciate yourself.
And then, after 3 minutes, you are like what the fuck did I just do.
Why did I say something like that to a person who is so fragile. And what if you "go ahead" was gonna initiate a person for doing it.
It scared the shit out of me, and I send her a message saying that she can talk things out and made sure she realize that problems are there, but there are solutions to all problem, and we are never left with a dead end. Theres no dead end to problems at least.
To whom it may concern,
To the one who thinks every night about killing themselves because they can't take another day,
To those who are so weak and fragile.
Listen,
You problems are huge because you over think it. Don't let the problem control your mind. And don't let your heart give up. How old are you, 15, 16, 17, 19? Its okay.
Think about the issues other people have, and you may feel that yours in not bad after all.
Why would you wanna let go of yourself. You know you are beautiful inside out. I don't know, but even if I don't know you at all. I would totally be disappointed because you gave up. You gave knowing that after this phase its all butterflies again. You gave up at the turning point where the next agenda is getting through the problem.
It makes me sad when I see someone who just thinks suicide is the solution to problems. Do you know how much more problems suicide cost. The rate of failure suicide case is as high as 90%. Think about how is it gonna effect you, when you fall under this 90%.
Do you think there are people who is not loved in this world. Do you think no one loves you. I guess you are wrong. No one hates a person before loving them. How can someone just hate you without getting to know the real you first. Okay harsh truth, maybe you are the problem. Maybe you think whatever you do is right and no one should question you, because you are right. Life doesn't work that way. We don't live alone here. We are surrounded by millions of people with all different background and lifestyle. We have our own belief, but our beliefs have to at least be agreeable to 0.001% of the community.
I know, you (anyone) has a lot of your plate right now, but believe me, killing yourself is not gonna do justice to the fact that you woke up this moment. Me being someone who was in depression when I was as young as 8 years old, and wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I believe that we can get through problems. Problems are temporary. But letting go of your life is permanent. Don't do it, its not worth all the struggle. Its not worth solving every issue you had in your life.
When I wanted to kill myself, I thought about everyone that cared for me. And now, I wanna be strong for them. I don't want to disappoint them, thus I stay strong, no matter how hard life is. No matter how weak I am, I will be strong for those who believed in me.
I believe that you can do it, you can get out of this mess. In every way possible. You can always talk to anyone you are comfortable with, if you wanna talk to me, you know how to find me. So don't just put this much on you and don't put all of this on others, don't let them see how weak you are. Don't make them sit in this world of fear, where they know, someone has planned to do something stupid and coming to know that they can't help this person at all. Help is everywhere. Talk it out, solutions will come flying to you.
love.
stay strong.
And then, after 3 minutes, you are like what the fuck did I just do.
Why did I say something like that to a person who is so fragile. And what if you "go ahead" was gonna initiate a person for doing it.
It scared the shit out of me, and I send her a message saying that she can talk things out and made sure she realize that problems are there, but there are solutions to all problem, and we are never left with a dead end. Theres no dead end to problems at least.
To whom it may concern,
To the one who thinks every night about killing themselves because they can't take another day,
To those who are so weak and fragile.
Listen,
You problems are huge because you over think it. Don't let the problem control your mind. And don't let your heart give up. How old are you, 15, 16, 17, 19? Its okay.
Think about the issues other people have, and you may feel that yours in not bad after all.
Why would you wanna let go of yourself. You know you are beautiful inside out. I don't know, but even if I don't know you at all. I would totally be disappointed because you gave up. You gave knowing that after this phase its all butterflies again. You gave up at the turning point where the next agenda is getting through the problem.
It makes me sad when I see someone who just thinks suicide is the solution to problems. Do you know how much more problems suicide cost. The rate of failure suicide case is as high as 90%. Think about how is it gonna effect you, when you fall under this 90%.
Do you think there are people who is not loved in this world. Do you think no one loves you. I guess you are wrong. No one hates a person before loving them. How can someone just hate you without getting to know the real you first. Okay harsh truth, maybe you are the problem. Maybe you think whatever you do is right and no one should question you, because you are right. Life doesn't work that way. We don't live alone here. We are surrounded by millions of people with all different background and lifestyle. We have our own belief, but our beliefs have to at least be agreeable to 0.001% of the community.
I know, you (anyone) has a lot of your plate right now, but believe me, killing yourself is not gonna do justice to the fact that you woke up this moment. Me being someone who was in depression when I was as young as 8 years old, and wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I believe that we can get through problems. Problems are temporary. But letting go of your life is permanent. Don't do it, its not worth all the struggle. Its not worth solving every issue you had in your life.
When I wanted to kill myself, I thought about everyone that cared for me. And now, I wanna be strong for them. I don't want to disappoint them, thus I stay strong, no matter how hard life is. No matter how weak I am, I will be strong for those who believed in me.
I believe that you can do it, you can get out of this mess. In every way possible. You can always talk to anyone you are comfortable with, if you wanna talk to me, you know how to find me. So don't just put this much on you and don't put all of this on others, don't let them see how weak you are. Don't make them sit in this world of fear, where they know, someone has planned to do something stupid and coming to know that they can't help this person at all. Help is everywhere. Talk it out, solutions will come flying to you.
love.
stay strong.
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