Weak.

Today I realize, another thing that actually hurts my feelings. You know.
That scary feeling you have when you think about the situation. Where you wanna just hold your breathe, because you try to actually pay attention to breathing instead of the picture you have in your mind.

The fact that you appear. Whenever you appear on my Facebook, twitter, or even tumblr, I just tend to hold my breathe and not think about all that we had before as best friends. I don't know what you think about us still being best friends. To be honest, after three weeks, I feel like that ship is really sailing away. I haven't sailed yet, but the anchor is lifted already. Now it all depends on the wind. And waves, for the ship to slowly drift away from the harbor.

I don't know how I would feel if you actually appear in front of me. Well all of I can think off doing right now, is running away. Because seeing you, it hurts. Looking at something that I was afraid losing. Its scary. And that feeling sucks. To be honest, if I ran away, would you think I am saving a trouble or actually think that I am afraid of you, and since I am afraid, you tell your friends that I am weak, and afraid to see you so this means I am at fault.

Well I know you, and the second situations is what we both will go through. Where you realize that I am actually weak and you tell it to the world and take that as a leverage because people always say that, a sinner, runs away.

What people don't understand is that sometimes the ones who looks weak or the ones you think is weak, actually is not weak at all. You just say that because it makes you feel better. For me, I don't just call someone weak because no one knows what its like to feel weak, being sad is not a weakness and crying is not a weakness too. Its just your level expressiveness. And you think they are weak because you wouldn't be that emotional. Maybe instead of calling me weak, you should call yourself emotionless which is much more worse that being weak. You consider the ones that run away is weak, but to me, the ones that run away is smart. They are smart because they don't want to get hurt, they are hurt and it would be stupid for them to hurt themselves more.

I admit that I run away. I don't want to confront you because to me, its not worth it. I wanted to save what we have, but after every word you threw to me, I rather save myself from a heartbreak. Its not worth it, to break my heart. Its not worth it for me to fix a broken glass. Because I don't want too. I don't need you to be a nice person, its okay, you have proven to me that you are just the same, but the difference with you is that you try so fucking hard to be nice, but you are just not and you know it.

I should've known earlier because it was obvious you were trying too hard.

I dont hate you or whatsoever.

I just don't like you because whenever I think about you, my whole soul is filled with rage and I don't like myself like that. I am more than that anger, and all you do is rekindle that anger in me.