go away.

It is very obvious to everyone, that the future scares me. I feel like I'm scared my entire life thinking how my future is gonna be like.
I don't know if you think its early to say, but I realize, that I don't want to like get settled in life. You know like having a family.

That kind of settle.

People think I am over reacting. And there are some who thinks that I am making a decision based on my present but eventually in future I would like get married and be in a committed relationship. To be honest, what we are doing now is how we gonna be in the future.
And whenever I plan, like 5 years from now, I don't have a space for another person to come in my life. I really don't because I don't want too. I don't want too because I know I can't handle it, the thought of getting attached to a person and knowing that at the end you are gonna lose them, and thinking that I deserve the best, and I can never find the best because I am not at best. And all this thoughts. It made me make up my mind that I don't want to be committed to another soul. I wanna be committed to a job, to my career. I am not saying I wanna be a career woman, but I'd rather be committed to a career than a man. Because I feel that it is less painful.

There are people who claims that I am doing all this because of a friend, actually no. I am not. I truly understand why someone would even have this thought. Well at least for me, thanks to all of you, who I cared for but never fail to leave me at the end, thanks to all of you that now I feel this way. I mean its a good thing right, that I can save myself from another heartbreak.

Maybe we all screw up and I should forgive and forget people who does, I do forgive but you can't just accept me to forget. And again, think about it, have I ever hurt you, or any of you to deserve all this. All I did was care and I had people telling me mean stuff about things I didn't do, you took my life and you wanted me to change it because you fucking can't control yourself from reading my blog. Like who the fuck does this shit to you so called "best friend".

I am obviously still mad.
Cant you see.
I've been so cold to you.

You know, I don't like this small talk shit, it is obvious enough that I don't want to talk to you, why don't you understand. Why are you keep on coming back to me making me feel bad for ignoring you. Why don't you just get it. You are so happy now, and trust me, you'll be happier without having to try to talk to me. You called yourself a friend, a best friend. Well as one, I wished you knew me better, than throwing all the words that you know would break me. And now you wanna patch things up.?

I don't want to patch things up.
All I want is time.
Time for me to move forward.
Time for me to not care what you did
Time for me to be emotionally stable.
Time for me to switch on my feelings.
Time for me to not feel bad at all.

I need you to give me my space.
You need to let go of me,
Because I did.

Don't come telling me I didn't fight for it.
Well I did,
and within days,
you crushed it again.
I would be a total idiot to make things work.

I know you want to make it work.
But I don't want to.

So maybe its time,
You need to let go of me.
You don't need a friend like me.
I don't want to disappoint or be disappointed.

And at the end of the day, the quiet ones get blamed for everything.
And the world is just so stupid to not hear both side of the story
Before judging.

love.