Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Leaving.

What is fear. Really. Do we have any idea what fear means. Is it just the fact that we are scared of something or there's something more than that. Fear is really have different meaning to different people. To be honest, fear is just something really unexplainable. I guess.

For me fear is something that haunts me because it has happened in the past that I really don't want to face in the future. Like I have this fear of losing people because lately I guess everyone knows that the people I love. Just drifting away. Like there was something. Like something bad happened. Or maybe it's just the normal thing in life that people leave. But I have like really low tolerance towards it.

It's been almost 3 years now. My grandfather left me. I remember how the day went. I remember what happened on that night and the night before. I remember every single thing like I've been watching the footage of the day over and over again. Actually I didn't. I didn't at all. I just remember it naturally because it was really heartbreaking.

My tutor came over that Sunday morning. Because I had an chemistry paper coming up and I was bad at chemistry. The tutor was tutoring me at the dining room from 9am to 11am. My grandfather was not out of his room yet. I don't know why but my grandma doesn't sleep with him. I guess it was the age issue. So my grandma was awake and all but she didn't wanna knock the door because I was having my tuition. She didn't wanna disturb us. And when I sent off the tutor, it never occur to me that anything like this would happen because the night before, we watched football, World Cup and we went to bed together. I put him to bed. Pulled the blanket and made sure that the door was lock and made sure my favorite man was comfortable. And I was so sure that he was alright and he was just feeling a little under the weather because when he is not well he is a little grumpy that he tend to shut us all down. So I thought it was like that I know that no one would not still sleep after being knocked at for almost 15 minutes. And it was a Sunday. All was at home even dad. Dad freaked out and broke the door and when we entered we found him on the floor so cold. I started crying and I called my uncle. Who was working but at the time he was at home. And arrived in less than 3 minutes. We all lived nearby. Neighbors to be exact. And when he came. He tried. Everything he could but it was just too late to take him to the hospital because he was gone. Forever. Without telling anything to any of us. I mean. I was so mad and I actually didn't believe. I remember crying so loud to my sister asking her to tell him to wake up. And there was my mother and grandmother crying. My mum was literally in a really bad shape. We all couldn't stop. And that moment my sister screamed at us that he is not gonna come back. I was so upset. Sad. Scared and annoyed that everyone is touching him. I'm like just screwing everyone who touches my grandfather because he don't like it. He doesn't like anyone touching him. I cried the whole day. The whole night. And time flew really fast. I wish it was slower so that I could have seen him a little more. But days like this. Time flies so fast. Within a blink it was the funeral morning. Rightfully. My sister was suppose to do all the prayer as the eldest granddaughter. But she didn't. She wanted me to do because she know how much me and my grandfather meant to each other. And I couldn't cry anymore. Because I know he was never gonna come back. There's nothing I can do that would make him wake up. And I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be strong for my mother and grandmother. And that day passed to now still here in my mind like it happened yesterday.

For 18 years of my life, I didn't thought of this day. Because I thought I would not lose someone or anyone. I thought I can all keep the person I loved by me and they wouldn't wanna leave me as well. But I think I'm wrong. Wrong that people leave. By choice or by nature.
There's nothing I can do if they leave by nature.


And I realize that I can't do anything too if the wanna leave by choice too. How do I change someone. You see the thing about someone leaving you. Maybe not permanent or permanent. You can say that you are not like leaving 'leaving'. You sometimes you will be around but it's doesn't make a different because you have decided to leave. Even though coming back every once a week is not gonna make everything the same. Because leaving makes a significant difference. Although we say we are coming back. Once a week or once a month or once a year.

With everything that is happening. I just feel powerless be ause I think I am being selfish. The point is I know I am being selfish. But I wish people knew that it effects others. Maybe little maybe more.  For me. When someon leaves me. I get scared. Because to be honest I don't keep everyone so close to me or I would say that I don't get emotionally attached to everyone. The one I'm not doesn't bother me but if you attached to me emotionally. I'm scared. Scared of you leaving me. I don't know how it would be because I'm not gonna see this person anymore and it scares me bacause I don't know who is gonna tell me that I am actually really gonna be alright. And I'm also losing this wonderful being.

It would be weird to not care if someone you are really close to you leaves right.

To be honest. I'm tired. I'm tired of everyone walking out of my life.
But I'm just gonna let it be. Let it be and adapt myself to it no matter how long it's takes. Because I'm also tired of fixing things. For putting too much effort on all this bullshit that doesn't seem worth it at the end.

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away
And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Dropped you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watched you wave
And watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
And neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away, yeah

Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
It's calling me home
It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Adele, Hiding My Heart

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