Selfish.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Marilyn Monroe


I think we all know that quote, because at one point every single girl on Facebook was posting it, and to be honest, I think I can remember that quote by now.
But that is not my point, my point is . That is true. It is true that we feel that way.
No matter a girl or a guy.

We are all selfish.And being selfish, can be a good thing or a bad thing its just that as we grew, whenever we say selfish, all we think off is something mean that people do to other. 

Its like a 80%, 20% thing. 20% good, obviously. 

____________________________________

. I mean I always assume no one reads my blog. And I wonder why I don't write like a traditional paper and pen journal, that I need this space to write. I feel that, I've been writing my whole life in school and I prefer typing and I know that no matter what happen, I cant burn this shit down, that it's kinda permanent that it is in the internet, even when I delete the blog, google will somehow find it for me. And whatever I write, are just basically that scattered emotions, that my mind needs to puke.

I know that lately, I've been telling everyone to go away. I mean I am being really selfish because I don't want to get hurt, and I am just tired you know. Off caring for people and they leaving me hanging alone at the end of the day. I mean sometimes we say that having that one friend is all that matters, but to be honest, I don't want to annoy that only one friend I got. Or just I don't want to portray myself to be so full of problems. I want my friends to have a friend that they would say, she's a keeper.

That feeling you have when you know you are better than all of this. That you know, you can be that bubbly person all over again, and the only way to do is to be around someone that means something to you. I feel that I have a really small circle of friends & family that means something to me, and now I am just so afraid to lose them. I don't like the fact that I constantly think about how I will be if they left me too, all the others.

Maybe I know, it's me. That I am too fragile for someone to handle. That I get so attached to someone that it is scary when you think about it. And now when I know that I have this fear all over me, that I don't want to be attached, even to a friend. Because I would really go through a breakdown if I lose them, thinking of the fact that, nothing lasts forever. 

But I think it's life. Just that nature you know, as you grow, you start to lose people and also gain some. But the most important part about this whole routine is the fact that you grow, you are gonna grow and become this person that is strong, that you are immune to the fact that at one point, as we grow old, we will not be how we are today. We will not have the same people we have today, unless you have a few like you know, the keepers.

I really thought you were the best, someone that I would do anything for. And until this very moment, I am so close to like pick up my phone and you know and take it through to keep you around for a little while more. And I realize I am just being really selfish that I realize you will come back too me if I want you too, but I don't want to do that because you are an amazing friend and you don't deserve it. You don't deserve to be a friend to someone selfish like me. I just want to cling to you because I don't have anyone. I don't know if you are reading this or not if you are.

I am sorry. Sorry for everything, but I don't want you anymore, because even if we have something after this, it wouldn't be something genuine, I am just being selfish because I want someone to care for me and in a way, I am using you. And I don't want that because I know you don't deserve it.

xx