Strong.

That moment when someone says that they want to kill themselves. And you are just so fed up with the fact that they blackmail you like that, you tell them to go ahead and do it. Because you think that no one would appreciate you if you don't appreciate yourself.

And then, after 3 minutes, you are like what the fuck did I just do.
Why did I say something like that to a person who is so fragile. And what if you "go ahead" was gonna initiate a person for doing it.

It scared the shit out of me, and I send her a message saying that she can talk things out and made sure she realize that problems are there, but there are solutions to all problem, and we are never left with a dead end. Theres no dead end to problems at least.

To whom it may concern,
To the one who thinks every night about killing themselves because they can't take another day,
To those who are so weak and fragile.

Listen,
You problems are huge because you over think it. Don't let the problem control your mind. And don't let your heart give up. How old are you, 15, 16, 17, 19? Its okay.
Think about the issues other people have, and you may feel that yours in not bad after all.
Why would you wanna let go of yourself. You know  you are beautiful inside out. I don't know, but even if I don't know you at all. I would totally be disappointed because you gave up. You gave knowing that after this phase its all butterflies again. You gave up at the turning point where the next agenda is getting through the problem.
It makes me sad when I see someone who just thinks suicide is the solution to problems. Do you know how much more problems suicide cost. The rate of failure suicide case is as high as 90%. Think about how is it gonna effect you, when you fall under this 90%.

Do you think there are people who is not loved in this world. Do you think no one loves you. I guess you are wrong. No one hates a person before loving them. How can someone just hate you without getting to know the real you first. Okay harsh truth, maybe you are the problem. Maybe you think whatever you do is right and no one should question you, because you are right. Life doesn't work that way. We don't live alone here. We are surrounded by millions of people with all different background and lifestyle. We have our own belief, but our beliefs have to at least be agreeable to 0.001% of the community.

I know, you (anyone) has a lot of your plate right now, but believe me, killing yourself is not gonna do justice to the fact that you woke up this moment. Me being someone who was in depression when I was as young as 8 years old, and wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I believe that we can get through problems. Problems are temporary. But letting go of your life is permanent. Don't do it, its not worth all the struggle. Its not worth solving every issue you had in your life.

When I wanted to kill myself, I  thought about everyone that cared for me. And now, I wanna be strong for them. I don't want to disappoint them, thus I stay strong, no matter how hard life is. No matter how weak I am, I will be strong for those who believed in me.

I believe that you can do it, you can get out of this mess. In every way possible. You can always talk to anyone you are comfortable with, if you wanna talk to me, you know how to find me. So don't just put this much on you and don't put all of this on others, don't let them see how weak you are. Don't make them sit in this world of fear, where they know, someone has planned to do something stupid and coming to know that they can't help this person at all. Help is everywhere. Talk it out, solutions will come flying to you.

love. 
stay strong. 

unfollow = still care.

Sometimes, it's just good to tell things off.
Because not everyone knows how you are feeling. Not everyone knows what goes through your mind. Not everyone knows that what they are doing is making you unhappy.

What I mean by telling it off is that, you don't have to be mean to tell someone that you are not happy. There are other options, like being really polite and nice about how you feel. You don't need to snap at another person for you being so fragile. You can't  blame others for being fragile.

Being fragile in many ways, is your option. You don't want to make yourself better, to be less fragile. You don't want to be strong for yourself, so that when someone decides to hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, you are not able to deal with it.

I am not telling that I am strong, I have a certain degree of tolerance towards pain, if it hurts me too much, I talk about it to someone I trust the most, and not care about what you do after that. I just don't put effort in making things better. I know its not a good trait to carry, but I think I'm on this cliff of giving up to make things better.

I started questioning myself that why do I have to put so much effort to make things better, if you are really worth the effort, I will definitely put it, but if you are not, I just don't care.
Sometimes, I just feel lucky, to have someone who is so close to me that is very sensible. He is just able to make me feel so much better. In many ways.

Moving on, I am sorry that I don't know everything that happens in your life, like how you know what happens in mine. Honey, the thing is I don't stalk you as much as you stalk me. So I tend to ask you questions, about yourself that I don't know. And you have ignored me multiple times, why don't you just answer my question. I am sorry that it hurts your feelings when I ask you, because I really don't know.

The last thing I wanna do is pretend that I don't know, because if I know I wouldn't come up and waste my time to ask you what is happening. Cause I already know and to be honest, I have so much other things to do.

I hope that at times you can just tell me how you feel so that I won't be there to bug or make sure you are okay.
Okay fine, you annoy the shit out of me, always that also made me unfollow you on twitter, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Come on, that is just stupid. What the hell, why would something like twitter effect you. Its a social site for Christ's sake.

xx

BigBang Alive Galaxy Tour Malaysia 271012

I'm not a newbie nor a pro when it comes to concert. The only thing I know about concerts is that, no matter what, settle for the best. There's no point going to a concert and not being able to see you favorite singers up close with their sweat dripping down their face. Or even looking at it through the screen the organizers set up. Obviously, if you have the buying power to settle for the best. The second thing is when you are at a concert, just don't waste you money, by taking gazzilion pictures and videos but not watching the show live. My first concert when I was 12. And out of this 8 years, this are the two most important thing I've learnt.

Few days ago, I went to one of the concerts in my bucket list.
Big Bang Alive Galaxy Tour.
 And to be honest, I paid almost RM600, and it was worth every penny. I was not completely satisfied, or dissatisfied. They met my expectations but didn't exceed my expectations.
Everyone looked amazing and this is one of the best nights and experience I had this year. And I miss them, I do. But they are idols. I need to believe that they would come back again, one day. They would.

Nothing can take away all the images and moments that I have inside my head. Nothing can. I can't write it down though. I don't know where to start. But I told myself that I will never forget this amazing adrenaline rush in my body when I saw all the Oppa's :)

Wait till I rock Alive Galaxy Tour tshirt.  :D

xx

kept in mind.

Does it get to you when you realize that everything is just so temporary. Like nothing seems permanent. With the temporariness I have around me, I feel like even my tattoos are so temporary. Its just there.

That feeling.
Its just there, and it doesn't effect you in anyway possible.

That feeling is annoying, I have it in me right now, or maybe I'm just hungry. I don't know. Maybe its hunger and annoyance. All together. Which is not a good thing. I need myself to be all together and content. I ave assignments due next week and finals in three weeks.
Thinking about it, three weeks is short. sigh.

That's the thing about uni, at one point you doubt yourself so much and you feel like you are failing the class because you are so free. And after a few weeks, you doubt yourself about passing this class because there is so much to do and you don't know where to start.

I missed Adam. However you wanna take it. I miss him. I always had him with me. When I'm happy, sad and angry. He is just there with his annoying face. And I didn't see him for 10 freaking days. And you might think its short but 10 days is darn long and I just wish I could see him already. I mean I talked to him when he came back. But now I wanna see his face. I am gonna go try my luck to see whether he will be free in the gym today or not.

I don't like to miss people. I really don't. At one point my brains decides to make use of itself so much and create unwanted scenarios that I am scared thinking off. You know you can stop yourself from feeling anything. But can we like stop our brains from thinking too much?

hmm, i wonder.
I want a long hug. I really do. Anyone. Just give me a freaking long hug. I'm sure I would feel so much better for at least 20 minutes. Feeling better for 20 minutes, would suffice.

I just feel like i'm at this dead end.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know who I want.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know who I need.

But I know, the current situation is not what I kept in mind.

Word.

this is it.

Monday. Its like the start of the week. Well at least for me, I don't start my week on Sunday or any other day.

My monday's are so freaking hectic, that I wish my week starts on Monday and ends on Monday itself. Tuesday to Sunday will be like the weekend. 

Sadly, we don't always get what we want right. 

By the time I finish my monday, I am just drained. In so many ways. I mean like I don't have the power to survive till Friday. I don't think I have the strength. But I don't have a choice but to get through it right. 

I guess this week, it affected me more, that I am so stressed out because I am just drained. In every way possible. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I am not kidding. I am having like a massive headache now, but I can't just go home and cover myself under the blanket and pretend there is nothing happening tomorrow. I have a test tomorrow. A mid term test. 

You might not be stressed or anything like that. But I take all this shit seriously. 

I mean no matter what comes by, I will never  flip in school. I can never afford to flip in school. 

Because I am like that. I mean I am sorry. But theres nothing playful about screwing up uni. 

Or maybe I am just a person with very high expectations that I don't wanna disappoint myself. 

Or I feel theres nothing else I can be really good at than school, that I want to make sure that I get good results all the way through. 

It is putting stress on me, I am not kidding. But I just can't afford to let it go. And Monash is so difficult. Its just so difficult, that there's so many familiar faces, that I just wish I didn't wanna see or have a conversation with, because I don't know. I just don't wanna talk to anyone. 

And I don't know why, But the weather is annoying the shit out of me. It just so fucking cold. I mean, I'm like with three layer of clothes in one of the hottest country in the world, and I feel like just fucking burning myself because its just so cold.

Is it because of all the coldness i've received this pass few days, its just making me hate the weather. 

I mean I use to love, the cold weather. 

But now, I just want the sun to shine as bright as possible, because all this coldness is just too much to handle. 

I really wish the sun came up and just shine. I need the heat. I need to make myself feel better. 

Bottom line, I am sick. I'm stuck with flu and fever.

I wanna get over this phase. 

I wanna clear things with you 

I wanna move forward

Don't keep me waiting to just clear things. 

Lets do it, and move on.

With or without each other. 

But I need time & space

All the words you threw at me,

It's just too much too handle. 

And I am sorry. 

I know I should be stronger, 

But I can't. 

I will not be upset if you wanna take your space too

Because it takes a little bit longer for me to heal. 

I never thought this would happen, 

But it did. 

So I guess this is it. 

xx

future.

I don't know about every other normal twenty year old.
But me, I think about my future a lot. I mean there are a lot of things that I do and there are certain things I believe I should live the moment and there are certain things that I believe I should plan out.

Basically
Live the moment - My relationship, falling in love and all. I don't want to have a plan. Like I want it to happen and I don't want to be commitment. I really don't. I don't want to do something I am not good at. I really don't. Taking care of people and their feelings and people getting too close and then leaving me, right now, that all is too much to handle. I am not kidding.

Plan Out - How my life is gonna be, everything other than relationship and being committed to someone, anyone. Having a good job and having to earn enough to sustain my lifestyle. Being able to support my parents and send them for holidays etc. I want a family. I know, no commitment but family. I am not kidding I picture myself to be a successful woman, with a family which means kids. I mean a man can come into it, but without it, it will not make a big difference for me. I want kids I really do. You know, me and my baby.

PS : you might think its too young to like think about all this but to be honest, I can't wait to leave uni, and get over the phase of finding the "job" and then settling in life. I can't wait to settle down, because I picture myself having the job that I will love and I would look forward to doing it every single day. And a kid that I will love and just be there for.

This is how I picture it to be, but at the end, God has more power, to either change it to just let it be.

i'm sorry.

I’m sorry.

1.     For hurting your feeling

2.     For making you feel that way

3.     For drowning you in my bitterness

4.     For saying hateful words

5.     For affecting you so much

6.     For not believing in what you believe

7.     For not being the first in your list

8.     For failing on you

9.     For being a emotional wreck

10. For putting so much on you

But I just wish you knew, how I really felt.

Maybe I am not as expressive or sarcastic as you are.

I just wished you knew me better,

Before judging me,

And not confronting me.

Bottom line,

I am just sorry that you feel like this,

What done is done?

We both are hurt.

We both are grown ups

We both need to put this back and move forward.

Should have learnt my mistake and not love someone so much.

And should have reminded myself about how much it hurts

When some you love so much just decides to give up on you

And just silently leave.

Well now you got it back.

Remind yourself, no not get attached Ashwi.

It’s the best. 

mad world.

Sometimes, we just got to admit that we are not a good person.
We are not the person that our tumblr page explains.
We are just not.
We make ourselves look good.
We make ourselves believe that we are a good person
But then you know you have done what you think you didn't
Like,
You have called someone ugly before
You have hurt someone's feelings
You have talked behind someone's back
You have not meant what you say
You have made someone hurt
You have done it.
We have all done it

But what I don't get is that, why don't you just admit that you have done it.
Why do you make yourself believe that you didn't do it.
That you didn't bully nor say mean things about someone.

Why don't you just admit that you have judged people before.

I have judged people before.
I never say I didn't. But I wish we all stopped. I wish I would stop.
I have hurt people before. But I wish I didn't.
I don't say that I didn't hurt anyone before.
But sometime, emotions take over, the slip of tongue that we don't realize.

And I never say I am a good person. I sin. I do what they say I shouldn't
But I don't go around and say, I am a good person, that I don't do any of it because I know I do.

And you know you do too. Why don't you just admit that you do it instead of being a total hypocrite saying that you don't. Its okay if you do it.
The more you admit to a mistake, the more it reminds you to not do it to be someone better.

Can like everyone just stop using the internet to prove how amazing you are.
Because deep down we both know we have our demons in us.

I'll fight.

When I was younger, I never imagined a morning better than the morning I am having now.
7am, the sun is about just to rise, pancakes, maple syrup, amazing strong black coffee and my blog. Writing. You know, theres nothing else I wish for. I mean I really hope I have morning like this, always. Okay and maybe looking at this elderly man, seems like they are having their daily routine of having breakfast and also the TV. Hockey match. This early. :)

Moving on, last night. I had one of the worst breakdowns ever. I mean it was such a huge meltdown. Painful and horrifying. I am not kidding about the horrifying part of last night. I texted four friends. And I had not one reply. Am I mad? Definitely no. I am not. I sometime understand that I am too much too handle. I don't blame them. Even Adam ignored me last night. I don't blame him too, its his birthday. The last thing he wants is to drown with me in my horrifying night.

Not forgetting the fact that my immune system decides to fail on me. I had fever, flu and sore throat. And I cried till my face hurt so bad, I just wanted to ..., I didn't know what to do be honest.
During that period of time, I realize and I told myself,

There is nothing you can do at this wee hour. 
You need to pull yourself back together and do what you know you have too. 
Crying is not gonna make someone appear magically in front of your house.
Crying is not gonna make your mum sleep with you through the night. 
Nope, nothing is gonna come.
This is reality, pull yourself back together 
or else 
you are just gonna go through this massive pain on your freaking face.

And at the period of time too, I realize that no matter how many friends you have. At one point we all have our own thing to do. That time I knew, no matter how much you love a person, be it a family or a friend, you will definitely gonna get hurt.
I am not hurt with the fact that four of my friends didn't reply my text or what so ever. But I was hurt about what a person that I loved the most, would chose me over her friend. Whereas there I was, that I was sure no matter what happens, I will always be there for her, because I love her, and I care for her. And she is my family.

Now its just all stuck with doubt, about what is it gonna be like in the future.

Bright side, I manage to knock sense into my own head, that I need to pull myself back together because my body don't deserve the pain my heart feels, cause till now, my body has never failed on me. Except for now, being sick and all. I mean thats normal, the body needs a break.

I keep on telling myself, reminding again and again that nothing is gonna break me apart, nothing can. Even if my own best friend wants to prove to the world that she has better friends than me. I really don't care because I am gonna make sure that, that shit doesn't break me apart.
And I am gonna be strong no matter what comes around, because I need and will always pull myself together.

Despite the storm, there are beautiful things, that life has to offer which I would definitely wanna see.
And I am not gonna put a stop to this battle no matter what comes around.
I may fall apart, but honey.
I will definitely get myself up.

No matter what we breed, 
We are still made of greed. 

- Demons, Imagine Dragons. 

previous post

Explains that my mind wanders a lot.

I didn't know where i was going. 
And I am hoping that 
I can get all this straight
So that I don't walk the other way. 
Because it sucks to feel the way you feel when you screw up. 

.

too many thought.

Whenever I get into some kind of situation, which really does hurt my feelings, I tend to just admit I'm wrong no matter what, and just you know let it go, to make the other party shut up.
Basically, shut the fuck up.

But lately, I've not been taking the blame for everything, because I am really sick of it. I argue back. But that like one, or two reply and boom, i just give up. Cause I really don't find a point, having arguments that makes all of us look so shallow. I mean if we were to just accept how others are, we wouldn't have an issue to argue about.
gThat last sentence, note to self.

For me, arguing, is very normal. I mean it shows that we are normal and we have emotions. We do feel raged, sad, frustrated with a lot of things. And at the end of the, its not about wining a situation no matter how much it hurts your feeling. At the end of the day, what matters, is how you get out of this oh-so-not positive feeling.

How you make yourself and the other part, feel better and not ending it with saying hurtful things.
That is what matters, at least for me. 

I've never gotten in an argument wanting to win. As far as I remember. Never. I don't care if I lose the argument. I just don't want to hurt anyone no matter how raged I am inside.
I look onto no living things when I am angry. I really do. And one of it, is writing. I write when I don't feel good. Wait. Thinking about it, I write, no matter what my feelings is. Be it, happy, sad, anger, frustration.
I just write my freaking mind out. 

There are many things that I would do, or say. It maybe something I though of long time ago or many not. But its just what I feel like the current moment. And that might not be what I am gonna do for the rest of my life. Maybe yea, I would.

There's just nothing permanent to just do good all the time. 

At the end of the day, do you really know what your heart desires. I mean do you? I don't. Because this very moment, I am falling sick and wasting my time in Starbucks. Like I don't know what I am gonna get out of it, but I just wanna stay out and not go home. Even if I go home, it would be the same.
You see, I don't even know where I am going with my last sentence.

I mean, at the end of the day, do we really know what our heart desires.
Right now, for me.
 A very hot and intimate make out session with someone I don't have feelings for. :p

Maybe when I am a little older, that is not I want.
For me, I feel like, theres nothing permanent.

Because no matter, what i do or who i hold onto, they always leave. They do. At one point. And the fear of people leaving me, is killing me slowly inside.

not care to care.

To care or to not care at all. 

There's like so much going on, I need a break. Okay I always say that but the truth I never give myself a break.  

 What is this about you wanting to hurt me so bad. It's good enough that the post hurt my feeling so much, it would be so much better me finding out myself than you pressing on the fact that you updated a rant post on tumblr just for me. 

And to come up to you, if I don't understand what you were trying to say. 

 Because when I write a rant post, about anyone, even for my best friend, the  thing that I would do is not tell my own friend that I am ranting about him/her.
I don't know why you are doing this. Like why, if you don't like about what I think, move on.

 I've tried to force a fact that I agreed on too the world but I failed, and now I've learnt that if you believe in something others don't, let it be. You know where you stand and where does your friend stands.  

 Why do you want to make it look that, you are always right and what I believe in is always wrong. Why do you wanna make others feel like they are living in their own idiotic world. 
Okay maybe that is not what you are trying to prove.
I write. You write. The world writes. And no one does go to the person they are writing about and tell them that they wrote a rant post for them. 

No one does it. 

It's shallow. 

Because you are not using the purpose of this whole writing thing as what the purpose was intended. I just feel that you should have come clean about it to me. You met me today. And you should have told me, then writing it over tumblr and sending me a Whatsapp asking me to read it. 

Who would ever do that. 
I read your post. Over and over and over and over again. You have no idea how mad I am right now. I just kept on reading it again and again and thinking how could you say such thing. Those words would be normal for you, but for me, no. I would never do all that and at the end. Say I still love you to bits and pieces because its not right. No one would ever do that.

What made you think doing all this will mAke me feel better. How ? Ending the whole thing with I love you would make me feel better. Saying everything so sarcasticAlly at the beginning makes no difference with the degree of sarcasm in your "I Love You"

Am I sorry? I am. I really am.
Am I mad? I'm so mad that I can just murder someone right now.
Not at you but myself. So mad at myself for caring so much for you. You know. You make me lose faith in many things. Especially my friends because now I don't know whether everyone would be just like you. Or not. I'm doubting on many things that I shouldn't. That I should never think off.

Why don't you just accept us for who we are. For not believing in what you believe in. And for being that total assholes who just care of the world. The thing about me is that, I sin. More than you. I know I do. I hurt people feelings, and I know I am selfish. But I know what my priorities are. And how could you doubt the fact when I told you mum how much my family means to me. How could you. As my best friend, I thought you knew how much all this affects me. And what matters to me. As my best friend, like I thought you would know, but you proved me wrong. 

We do have out misunderstanding. We do. Which friend doesn't, but this time around, I'm not just gonna agree to  disagree to not have this issue with you. I am gonna just be like this, so that you realize how much everything you did, is affecting me, for the pass 18 hours. 

You being you, might not care at all, or just might. But I don't know. I don't how is all this gonna end, 

I am telling this now, that I am not gonna put any effort in making things better, because I am really hurt.

I sometimes just love Rhys.

Me : Tell me someone who means so much to you?

Rhys : *thinks deeply* umm, you 

Me : Errr okay. Bahahahahahaha, Okay. So imagine, ......

*the conversation goes on*

Rhys just knows how to make my day, make me feel bad, and keep quiet when he have too so that I can just let my mind spread in front of him. 

And I thank you for that. 

xx

Mum

So last night my mother was having this conversation with her cousin sister, my aunt about how she isn't worried about my at all because I always get myself together no matter what happens. The only thing she worries is the fact that I drive like an maniac. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I don't blame her though. I do drive like one. Hehehe.

But that's not the point. It hit me that she actually doesn't care about my future like how she cares about my sister's and my brither's because they are not one inch like me.Think about it. I am not telling that my sister and brother is a screw up. No I'm not. But I just feel that 'I need to screw up, to gain my parents attention'

Okay I will never do that. I don't want too. But there is two ways to look into this. The positive and negative wa obviously.

Positivity always helps. :) They do. :)

Maybe I can look at this in a way thatnI am actually reducing my parents burden that they know they don't have to be worry about how I get my things done because they think I always do. Despite the fact that I go under enormous amount of stress but hey bright side I always make myself feel better at the end. I can even make myself feel so much better about myself knowing that I am not a screw up after all .

Well negatively ( I just have too),
Maybe I should just start screwing up tool know to gain their attention so that they would actually care about what I actually do. And make them sick worried everything thinking whether I'm driving home drunk and taking drugs or having sex with all the passerby I meet. I can do that. I really can .


But thinking again,
That's not how I've grown up. I've not grown so much into this person who drinks till they get druk or do drugs or even have sex as much as I can. But that's not me. That not what I've made off.

I've made off to be this classy high achiever. A successful person. A hard worker.. And I never set anything less that what I wanted in life. I wanna always reduce my parents burden. I am this person that just cared and I've grown to this kind person yet I work my level best tone a total asshole. That is me. This is what I made up off. I don't want to take the wrong path just to gain the kattention from my parents.

I'm twenty already. It's about time that I start being more responsible. Its okay to not be responsible. They still got my parents. Likes said Icahn in a way reduce my parents burden. Maybe they care about a whole load of other thing when it comes to me except for being someone in life because they just know I would.

Right now, although it bothers me a little to know they they are not worried about me but I wish despite of everything they see. Maybe they should take a look a little closer and know how much other things are bothering me.

Till that time comes, I have you. Yes you. And me. We can be get through it together no matter what. :)


xx
ashwi.

Suicide.

I just read the longest Facebook status ever.

"Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you've written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn't know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn't stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried… your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mum got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care. Yes, I definitely care. "
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You know I find it funny. Okay not funny. Im just really raged right now, because this this ruined my mood. Like first thing first, why do you make my social site so miserable at wee hours? 

Second, think about it, why does one wanna kill themselves. Why does one ever had the thought to suicide. Why do you wanna offer a hand when they are at the stage of killing themselves? Why weren't you there earlier. You friend right, thus I believe that you should know about what is going on. Why do you wait till the very last resort to save someone. To ensure that you don't feel guilty when this person dies? Or to make yourself look like a good person just because you were one of those people who wanna help. 
Some may say, I am being unfair. That you have a life, how could you just pay attention to someone who is trouble. Okay. you have a life, why pay attention when they wanna kill themselves? What makes you think, that you were this person who never cared at all before, but just care when I am gonna kill myself is really gonna make me not kill myself?

Third, why the fuck do you always bring a little kid into this stories. Really. To increase the sympathy level? Or make the individual know that there are people for you. So when you are in this state, where you little brother doesn't know anything about suicide, and when he grows up he kills himself. Really. Which idiotic asshole would ever take an idiotic decision. Maybe it runs in the blood that the family is an idiot. Like seriously. Someone cutting themselves, or taking pills, or even consuming alcohol, to hurt themselves. They suffer. And this gives lesson to people like this little brother to not do it. 

Blah blah blah. The story goes on. 
(The ending is pretty interesting though)

Forth, "Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. " 
So why does this person with all this characteristic, would ever want to kill themselves. They one who were always there for everyone, although she knows no one would ever be there for her . And at one point of life, she gives up. Why? Because you were to fucking selfish to be there for someone who was there for you. And what you do when she gives up. You post a fucking Facebook status about it. Really.  Why weren't you there? You had a life right, and you were amazingly selfish to take at least 10 minutes of your fucking 24 hours to give you all the happiness this girl gave to the whole fucking town who knew her.

You know, if someone really cares, they would show it. No one would just silently care for you. Who would ever just silently care for you. Yup, its true that someone's life doesn't revolve around ours, we have our own thing to do. The problem is us. We depend so much on someone. That we only wanna get our shit done. We don't care, what others are going through. We believe that, everyone is in tip top shape if you are. This world is not like that. Not everyone is like you. Not everyone has the same tolerance of pain. Some can get over something in split seconds, and others may take years. Some can just move on tomorrow, and there are some who can't move on at all. We should never ever think that everyone is like us. There are many ways for someone to release their pain. And your's maybe food and mine maybe alcohol. At the end of the day, this other person wants exactly what you wanted, the difference is she was not selfish and she didn't use people, but used whoever you can get to achieve what you want. 

Don't go saying things that you know you can't do. Whats the point of posting this? To create awareness or to boast about what a wonderful person you are. At one point, we are all selfish. Including me. I am. I do things that I shouldn't, but as I grew older, I realize how much the pain is affecting me and I tend to take it out on other people too. I am being selfish, but look we are not perfect. We can't stop someone from giving up. Don't say things that you know you wouldn't do. If I were to tell you all my problems, you would just be this gossip messenger who wants to tell the world about what others are going through. We live in a world that no one genuinely cares. At one point, they will give up on you. 

Read the ending again. Do you really care about the girl who suicides or do you care about the people who was affected by this? Read it again. Again. and Again. Think, at the end, you cared for that brother, that best friend, the parents, the town, the teachers, that boy, those girls, you ex boyfriend but no one cared about you. Think about it, what the point of writing this, and then ending it, with the same reason, for why this person first decided to take those pills or cut herself with the razor. To realize that no one cares. Why do we wanna care so much when we reach the dead end?

Look at this story, the whole story revolves around the fact that how much it effected other because of this girl actions. The first rule to care, is to tell them you are there for them. Not talk about what others are going through because of our actions. You know this status would be so much better, if it were written like this.

Look at yourself, look at the reflection this mirror gives. Do you see the beauty that I see. Look how much attention had God paid to create you. Just stare at it for a moment. Now imagine this. Do you think that beautiful freckled skin of yours deserves to have scars. Do you think that 20 cents razor, has the authority to get through that skin of yours. The past years, this body, that made you see all the precious and beautiful things in life, do you think its worth it, for that body to be with filled with toxics. Just because you can't get through another day of agonizing pain. Think about how strong you are because of that pain. Think about that sunrise you love, that you are gonna see it tomorrow. Don't you think that beautiful eyes of yours deserve to see the beauty of the sun or even moon? There's no one who can love you as much as you can love yourself. Throw that paper which is covered with your tears, write a letter to yourself, about how much you love you and sent the letter to yourself. By pos and receive it after a few days. Do you remember the day, that your dad took you to the park. How happy you were. That you would do it all over again. Or the day, where you had the amazing meal your mum made at home, and you didn't have to pay a single cent for it. Do you think that you deserve to miss all this in life? That love to received from them? Everything you had all this years, down the drain, because of this one night that you can't get through. Your little brother, how you thought him ABC and how  he always never fails to put a smile on your face because of his innocence. Yup, that day in school, where you got an award for the cleanest classroom. How the whole school had to cheered for you and your friends even when you know deep down, they all wished it was them. Why do you wanna give up now. You got something, at least cleanest class. Yes, those teachers who made you suffer through one year, because you just hated Science too much. But you did. You passed it, thanks to their pressure. It was a good feeling right, to pass the paper you hated the most. Not forgetting how much you disliked the mean girls, but yet still you faced them so boldly, although those word hurt you so badly, why now you wanna give up. You got through it that time, and you definitely can get through it now. You should wake up tomorrow, and prove to them that no matter what they say, you are strong enough to face them, yup, that best feeling ever. Don't you wanna do it tomorrow. Do you remember that night, you and your best friend, had one of the best nights ever, sitting in, watching funny videos on youtube and having cheap alcohol, just to pass a night. And that euphoria feeling you had, don't you wish to do it again with this best friend of yours, sit all night and just talk crap and behave like a 10 year old again? And that boy, who knows how beautiful you are but he just hate your freaking guts that he don't tell you what he thinks about you. And keeps on going on and on and on about how bad you are just because he knew he lost the chance of getting to be with you? Don't you wanna torture him a little more tomorrow. And that ex boyfriend of yours who knows everything about you and finally dumped you. Don't you wanna show him that you have the potential and the ability to love someone more that you have loved him? You have already gotten this far, why do you wanna end all this little things right now, just because you can't put yourself to bed tonight. Its just one night, compared to all the joyous night you had before. Now stare at that mirror again. Think about everything, think about that moment you laughed so hard till your stomach hurt. Don't you think you deserve that, all over again? Giving up now, is not gonna do justice for yourself. Not after achieving so much in life. Creating so many memories. Now just see how much they are all gonna miss the amazing you? How much you are gonna miss yourself? No matter what life throws you, pick up the pieces and strut your stuff like no one ever can because you are beautiful inside and out and this entire town deserves to see that. 

I think this would make such an amazing story :')