Till we meet again.

Everything starts with the quote practice makes perfect. Okay. It doesn't really click to this situation but I think at the end you would understand my point.

We realize that when we do something over and over again. It gets much easier. Like for example carrying a 5kg weight would be difficult on the first day. Then when we do it for a week we realize 5kg is much more lighter. Yeap. The body get use to weight.
Or when we learn the art of studying. At beginning sitting for 5 minutes is difficult but then the more you do it the more easier it get. You gotta agree.

Then we have something that effects us emotionally. Okay. Like goodbyes. You think that when you are use to saying goodbyes it gets easier but the fact is it doesn't. It never get easy to say goodbye to someone that means so much to you. Let it be. A friend, best friend, boyfriend or anyone.

You see the thing about goodbyes is that there are two type. One is the permanent goodbye and then the other is the temporary. I realize that at the end of the day it's still goodbye. You are still not gonna see this person. Being forever or temporary.

We think temporary is easier but I realize today it's not. It's my easy to just say goodbye.
Like when I go out with my friends. I don't say goodbye. We go on like drive safe. See you soon. Or even just with Take Care.

We never say goodbye.
I started to question myself. Maybe when it's temporary. You don't need to say good bye. But we shouldn't. Should not stop ourselves from saying goodbye because I feel that we have no freaking idea what is gonna happen to us on the next 5 seconds. Do you.?

I feel that we need to say a proper goodbye. So that we wouldn't regret it later right.

I did regret for not kissing my grandad on the cheek the night before he slept forever. And all that I'm keeping is the socks he wore that night. I find it rather pathetic. Socks of everything.
Sad, better than nothing right.

Moving on. Today is like the last day before I start again with another trainer that basically bullies me as much he could. But I don't think I have a choice right.
But I think I actually didn't say goodbye to Adam. Okay I didn't even say thanks. Maybe I was really just flash backing everything. And I was very into the moment.
But I think, although its not forever. We both deserve a amazing goodbye. Because he was important to me and I think I am important to him too.

My point is. It's not easy. You know saying goodbyes to people over and over and still when you face the situation again. You realize like its the hardest thing to do. And I think honestly I didn't wanna say goodbye. I didn't feel like doing if because I don't want him to go.

But it's the right thing to do. I have another day to just let things go. Just let the pieces fall on the place itself. Another day, I shall cherish you annoying presence. :)

Adam.
Thank you. And till we meet again. :)

Love. Ashwi.

.xx.

I'm starting to have second thoughts about myself.

Like,
Am I really this person I think I am, or am this person that the world thinks I am.

Because I give up.
I don't know what is that I am doing wrong.
I feel that everything is just crumbling down.
With Adam leaving, where am I suppose to go.
Why am I losing everyone I love.
I know what you are thinking.
Adam is not going to another country or anything like that,
BUT,
He is not there. You know. Not there for me. Not there. I won't be seeing his annoying duck face everyday.
And I don't know how am I gonna handle it, when I am down because when I was, when the world shuts down on me, he didn't.


I really don't know what to do.

Leaving.

What is fear. Really. Do we have any idea what fear means. Is it just the fact that we are scared of something or there's something more than that. Fear is really have different meaning to different people. To be honest, fear is just something really unexplainable. I guess.

For me fear is something that haunts me because it has happened in the past that I really don't want to face in the future. Like I have this fear of losing people because lately I guess everyone knows that the people I love. Just drifting away. Like there was something. Like something bad happened. Or maybe it's just the normal thing in life that people leave. But I have like really low tolerance towards it.

It's been almost 3 years now. My grandfather left me. I remember how the day went. I remember what happened on that night and the night before. I remember every single thing like I've been watching the footage of the day over and over again. Actually I didn't. I didn't at all. I just remember it naturally because it was really heartbreaking.

My tutor came over that Sunday morning. Because I had an chemistry paper coming up and I was bad at chemistry. The tutor was tutoring me at the dining room from 9am to 11am. My grandfather was not out of his room yet. I don't know why but my grandma doesn't sleep with him. I guess it was the age issue. So my grandma was awake and all but she didn't wanna knock the door because I was having my tuition. She didn't wanna disturb us. And when I sent off the tutor, it never occur to me that anything like this would happen because the night before, we watched football, World Cup and we went to bed together. I put him to bed. Pulled the blanket and made sure that the door was lock and made sure my favorite man was comfortable. And I was so sure that he was alright and he was just feeling a little under the weather because when he is not well he is a little grumpy that he tend to shut us all down. So I thought it was like that I know that no one would not still sleep after being knocked at for almost 15 minutes. And it was a Sunday. All was at home even dad. Dad freaked out and broke the door and when we entered we found him on the floor so cold. I started crying and I called my uncle. Who was working but at the time he was at home. And arrived in less than 3 minutes. We all lived nearby. Neighbors to be exact. And when he came. He tried. Everything he could but it was just too late to take him to the hospital because he was gone. Forever. Without telling anything to any of us. I mean. I was so mad and I actually didn't believe. I remember crying so loud to my sister asking her to tell him to wake up. And there was my mother and grandmother crying. My mum was literally in a really bad shape. We all couldn't stop. And that moment my sister screamed at us that he is not gonna come back. I was so upset. Sad. Scared and annoyed that everyone is touching him. I'm like just screwing everyone who touches my grandfather because he don't like it. He doesn't like anyone touching him. I cried the whole day. The whole night. And time flew really fast. I wish it was slower so that I could have seen him a little more. But days like this. Time flies so fast. Within a blink it was the funeral morning. Rightfully. My sister was suppose to do all the prayer as the eldest granddaughter. But she didn't. She wanted me to do because she know how much me and my grandfather meant to each other. And I couldn't cry anymore. Because I know he was never gonna come back. There's nothing I can do that would make him wake up. And I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be strong for my mother and grandmother. And that day passed to now still here in my mind like it happened yesterday.

For 18 years of my life, I didn't thought of this day. Because I thought I would not lose someone or anyone. I thought I can all keep the person I loved by me and they wouldn't wanna leave me as well. But I think I'm wrong. Wrong that people leave. By choice or by nature.
There's nothing I can do if they leave by nature.


And I realize that I can't do anything too if the wanna leave by choice too. How do I change someone. You see the thing about someone leaving you. Maybe not permanent or permanent. You can say that you are not like leaving 'leaving'. You sometimes you will be around but it's doesn't make a different because you have decided to leave. Even though coming back every once a week is not gonna make everything the same. Because leaving makes a significant difference. Although we say we are coming back. Once a week or once a month or once a year.

With everything that is happening. I just feel powerless be ause I think I am being selfish. The point is I know I am being selfish. But I wish people knew that it effects others. Maybe little maybe more.  For me. When someon leaves me. I get scared. Because to be honest I don't keep everyone so close to me or I would say that I don't get emotionally attached to everyone. The one I'm not doesn't bother me but if you attached to me emotionally. I'm scared. Scared of you leaving me. I don't know how it would be because I'm not gonna see this person anymore and it scares me bacause I don't know who is gonna tell me that I am actually really gonna be alright. And I'm also losing this wonderful being.

It would be weird to not care if someone you are really close to you leaves right.

To be honest. I'm tired. I'm tired of everyone walking out of my life.
But I'm just gonna let it be. Let it be and adapt myself to it no matter how long it's takes. Because I'm also tired of fixing things. For putting too much effort on all this bullshit that doesn't seem worth it at the end.

This is how the story went

I met someone by accident

Who blew me away

Blew me away

And It was in the darkest of my days

When you took my sorrow and you took my pain

And buried them away, buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I've ever known

You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Dropped you off at the train station

Put a kiss on top of your head

Watched you wave

And watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers

And neon lights and waiting papers

That I call home

I call that home

I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I've ever known

You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Away, yeah

Woke up feeling heavy hearted

I'm going back to where I started

The morning rain

The morning rain

And though I wish that you were here

On that same old road that brought me here

It's calling me home

It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I've ever known

You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Adele, Hiding My Heart

Selfish.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Marilyn Monroe


I think we all know that quote, because at one point every single girl on Facebook was posting it, and to be honest, I think I can remember that quote by now.
But that is not my point, my point is . That is true. It is true that we feel that way.
No matter a girl or a guy.

We are all selfish.And being selfish, can be a good thing or a bad thing its just that as we grew, whenever we say selfish, all we think off is something mean that people do to other. 

Its like a 80%, 20% thing. 20% good, obviously. 

____________________________________

. I mean I always assume no one reads my blog. And I wonder why I don't write like a traditional paper and pen journal, that I need this space to write. I feel that, I've been writing my whole life in school and I prefer typing and I know that no matter what happen, I cant burn this shit down, that it's kinda permanent that it is in the internet, even when I delete the blog, google will somehow find it for me. And whatever I write, are just basically that scattered emotions, that my mind needs to puke.

I know that lately, I've been telling everyone to go away. I mean I am being really selfish because I don't want to get hurt, and I am just tired you know. Off caring for people and they leaving me hanging alone at the end of the day. I mean sometimes we say that having that one friend is all that matters, but to be honest, I don't want to annoy that only one friend I got. Or just I don't want to portray myself to be so full of problems. I want my friends to have a friend that they would say, she's a keeper.

That feeling you have when you know you are better than all of this. That you know, you can be that bubbly person all over again, and the only way to do is to be around someone that means something to you. I feel that I have a really small circle of friends & family that means something to me, and now I am just so afraid to lose them. I don't like the fact that I constantly think about how I will be if they left me too, all the others.

Maybe I know, it's me. That I am too fragile for someone to handle. That I get so attached to someone that it is scary when you think about it. And now when I know that I have this fear all over me, that I don't want to be attached, even to a friend. Because I would really go through a breakdown if I lose them, thinking of the fact that, nothing lasts forever. 

But I think it's life. Just that nature you know, as you grow, you start to lose people and also gain some. But the most important part about this whole routine is the fact that you grow, you are gonna grow and become this person that is strong, that you are immune to the fact that at one point, as we grow old, we will not be how we are today. We will not have the same people we have today, unless you have a few like you know, the keepers.

I really thought you were the best, someone that I would do anything for. And until this very moment, I am so close to like pick up my phone and you know and take it through to keep you around for a little while more. And I realize I am just being really selfish that I realize you will come back too me if I want you too, but I don't want to do that because you are an amazing friend and you don't deserve it. You don't deserve to be a friend to someone selfish like me. I just want to cling to you because I don't have anyone. I don't know if you are reading this or not if you are.

I am sorry. Sorry for everything, but I don't want you anymore, because even if we have something after this, it wouldn't be something genuine, I am just being selfish because I want someone to care for me and in a way, I am using you. And I don't want that because I know you don't deserve it.

xx

fix the broken pieces.

I think that for the next few weeks, I'm just gonna rant about weakness.
I admit though, I feel weak. I feel so weak not physically but emotionally.
I feel weak that I never fight for myself. I just let you take over and throw everything you wanted at me.
I don't like the fact that I just force myself to be the weak one and let in, and just accept everything like it was my mistake.
Because we both know, it is not.
It is not mistake that you took everything i say or write or even tweet about personally. Its not my fault that you feel so insecure about what I feel because you know that at one point you know that it is true.

I feel that we pretty much live in a very cruel world. That we are thought to not show our weakness to people because we are afraid that at the end, that exact weakness is  used upon us. Because as far as I observe, I realize that this is why I don't really show how weak I am. I just pretend to be this really strong person and those nights when I tell that I am not okay, people assume that I am fine, because I've always been strong. Never weak. At all.

I realize that how you portray yourself to be is how your surrounding will treat. If you portray yourself to be this person, it takes awhile for someone to change their perspective about you. Sometimes they never, like the say first impression is everything but they don't realize that first impression is not everything, people change, so does the perception they wish to portray to us.

By not addressing the weakness we have, I feel that we are losing so much as an individual. I feel that without letting out your weakness, you can never overcome the weakness. I mean if you look at it from a another point of view, maybe you can. And that would be like all the physical stuff you know, like fear of animals and stuff.

What about fear of rejection. How would you over come it, as you know people would definitely reject you. Even after becoming a better person, do you think that you would actually overcome the fear of rejection because I don't think becoming better physically is not gonna make you feel better emotionally.

How are we suppose to change, when every mistake is used up against us. Like how do you do that.

Then you have people like me, who would do anything to the extend of taking the blame just to make sure that no one gets hurt but then its okay for myself to be hurt because, I think I can deal with it, but the truth is I can't. I always need someone to tell me that I will be alright or someone tell me anything to make myself feel better.

Its funny that you can pretend that nothing happened between us. Like you can be so okay about it, but I thought we were both in this friendship together, the fact that you moved on so fast and have new friends, but here I am still writing and wasting my time thinking about you. Still telling myself to forgive you, but the heart just doesn't want to allow.

And maybe I should stop forgiving, because after this few days, I realize that I don't matter anymore to you, so I am not gonna apologize just to make things better.
Maybe I should really stop fixing something that is to broken to fix.

Weak.

Today I realize, another thing that actually hurts my feelings. You know.
That scary feeling you have when you think about the situation. Where you wanna just hold your breathe, because you try to actually pay attention to breathing instead of the picture you have in your mind.

The fact that you appear. Whenever you appear on my Facebook, twitter, or even tumblr, I just tend to hold my breathe and not think about all that we had before as best friends. I don't know what you think about us still being best friends. To be honest, after three weeks, I feel like that ship is really sailing away. I haven't sailed yet, but the anchor is lifted already. Now it all depends on the wind. And waves, for the ship to slowly drift away from the harbor.

I don't know how I would feel if you actually appear in front of me. Well all of I can think off doing right now, is running away. Because seeing you, it hurts. Looking at something that I was afraid losing. Its scary. And that feeling sucks. To be honest, if I ran away, would you think I am saving a trouble or actually think that I am afraid of you, and since I am afraid, you tell your friends that I am weak, and afraid to see you so this means I am at fault.

Well I know you, and the second situations is what we both will go through. Where you realize that I am actually weak and you tell it to the world and take that as a leverage because people always say that, a sinner, runs away.

What people don't understand is that sometimes the ones who looks weak or the ones you think is weak, actually is not weak at all. You just say that because it makes you feel better. For me, I don't just call someone weak because no one knows what its like to feel weak, being sad is not a weakness and crying is not a weakness too. Its just your level expressiveness. And you think they are weak because you wouldn't be that emotional. Maybe instead of calling me weak, you should call yourself emotionless which is much more worse that being weak. You consider the ones that run away is weak, but to me, the ones that run away is smart. They are smart because they don't want to get hurt, they are hurt and it would be stupid for them to hurt themselves more.

I admit that I run away. I don't want to confront you because to me, its not worth it. I wanted to save what we have, but after every word you threw to me, I rather save myself from a heartbreak. Its not worth it, to break my heart. Its not worth it for me to fix a broken glass. Because I don't want too. I don't need you to be a nice person, its okay, you have proven to me that you are just the same, but the difference with you is that you try so fucking hard to be nice, but you are just not and you know it.

I should've known earlier because it was obvious you were trying too hard.

I dont hate you or whatsoever.

I just don't like you because whenever I think about you, my whole soul is filled with rage and I don't like myself like that. I am more than that anger, and all you do is rekindle that anger in me.

Exam.

Where do I actually start, I don't know.
I am definitely reaching the highest degree of stress right now. I mean I know it's just two papers.
But thinking about acing both of it is not easy. I feel that its happening to fast. Like I just started my degree few weeks ago and here I am, on the midst of searching for extra time because I need time.

But I am sure I will get through this phase. I always did. But to be honest, I feel like giving up already. I studied like a crazy person yesterday and today, I'm just spazzing like a Mofo. Well not what I do best, but definitely the best right now.
I will try to get back into my books and drown myself in it.

Yesterday, in the midst of studying, I decided to give myself a small break, so I decided to go watch Pitch Perfect. I mean its the "Modern Musical" thingy. Which was fun, it was suppose to be humor. Humorous. But I feel like I took it too personally. I mean that what movies do to us. I at least think they do.

That what writers do. They have this own world of their own. Picturing someone else life. And writing amazing stories like it have effected them. And when the one watches it, all emotions are heighten and you feel like crap because you think that the wrote could relate so much to you, like you were the writer, like the writer interview you and wrote and made a movie about you.

It sucks.
When you feel a lot better and you go to watch a funny movie, believing that you were okay. And to your horror, as funny as it was, there was a deep meaning to all the humor, the covers up so  much of darkness, pain and truth.

Maybe this time around, it hit me because that was exactly what I was going through. And I look up to music for help instead of humans. I push people away and keep music. You know all that jazz.
Well, thanks to my ability to constantly tell myself that I will be alright, I am not gonna explode now. Not now when exams are around the cover. And I promise Ill try to not explode right after exam but I don't know. I will definitely try.

tbh,
i fucking hate you for ruining me like this. bitch.