make or break

I took half day from uni today. I was having issues with my eyes and i was totally drained out and stressed out. plus i looked like a zombie. and i was not feeling well. all in one eh. Mum asked me to come home so that i can go see the doc. As it is for my eyes. i feel like just scrapping it out. i will be alright tomorrow.

last night i was talking a friend of mine. and we were basically talking about moving on and letting and avoiding and stuff like that. he made me think. what was i really trying to do. seems like i worry my friends a lot lately, but i worry myself too. i constantly ask myself about my behavior. why am i behaving like this. i use to be that person that is strong but now seems like I'm just strong outside and inside me, my world is crumbling down.

I've been crying a lot too lately. for him. and i bet he knows. but i don't think he could do anything. like right now, if i get to see him, i would really cry, because missing that guy is all i do now. i talk to him but i don't see him. maybe to many talking to that person would suffice but to me it just doesn't work. so yeah, i cry a lot that at times it makes me feel so much better. really better for a short period of time and the sense of miss comes back.

when a person cry, we cant do anything other than to tell them, things will be alright soon. and as they cry, they let go of everything they kept inside and soon they will for sure feel much better.
if i ever cry infront of you, just hold my hands and tell me, that i will be okay because i have always been and just let me cry.


I thought that this wouldn't actually last long but actually it does.

like moments after he left, seems like he just left. you know, just left and not coming back.

avoiding is just letting things be the way it is. like we dont want anymore changes . because you lost something and maybe if there is changes, we are jus afraid that we would totally lose that person.


I just want you to know that i miss you. and i would do anything right now to just turn back time.

text

since you left, texting as in bbm is like what i do when i stare on my phone. nothing else. and i bet you know that i really really miss you till the extend that you couldn't face me when you left. and the best thing you did was to tell your best friend to take care of me. I know that I'm thinking too much now but sometimes i just wish i knew what you were thinking because i believe you know what the heck I'm exactly thinking because you best friend who is apparently my close friends tells you everything i tell him. And i know you always want the best for me and you want me to be alright, but sometimes i wonder if you know that whenever your not the the picture, the word alright is not my friend. And i try so hard to put you aside because i never wanna let the people down in my life. and if you were my priority in life right now, seriously i would fail tremendously in many things. And I'm happy that you really care for me and you find time to at least spent 15 mins with me. i really appreciate all this, if  not i won't be a little like how i use to be. I don't know whether I'm asking for a lot or what but sometime i just wish i knew what we are going through exactly right now.

 I just want you to know that I really miss having you around me.

I really wanna be normal and this is making me sad, upset, annoyed and angry. I don't wanna cry every morning thinking about you, about how you left without tell me. I'm also wondering why you of everyone i know. And it annoys me that when i feel miserable i eat. Why can't you just be like normal to me. I actually did nothing to you. I was there with you through everything as a friend. I just wanna be happy without worrying about how long the happiness is gonna last.

And you know. to pretend that you are okay and you smile and put aside al the pain is the hardest thing I've done in my whole life. And I've been doing it like forever now.

happy.

im kinda running out of post titles though. so what i did was take how i am feeling now. Oh yes, i am feeling happy. pretty much this two weeks. because i was thinking that fuck this problem shit though. how long am i gonna go through all this shit if i really wanna be happy right.

so putting all aside and pretending nothing has happen is definitely hard because you know what you are going through and all can you actually put everything behind and pretend nothing happened but actually all this has reallly cut and slice and scratched your heart.

moving on, i dont really know about you though but right now, for me, my friends. there are like my second backone. im not putting this pile up on their back and telling you that i cant moce on without them. i can. its just that at times i wish they are always there you know. i have my back bone they are second in sense of they can help me be a better person. Thanks to them who fails me at times, make me know they are not some robots with no feelings and they do mistakes too.

Ive learn many things in life that make me say to my self, "hey, things are not bad after all" you know when i put a positive mind on it. think everyone you look at is actually beautiful and trust me the next person you look at is the most beautiful person ever.

I think everything we go through is about our mindset. If we have a positive mindset, even something that is bad will make you feel so much better though. I have always taken things negatively in life but now, i think about what i want and what i need in life. i tell this to myself,

"hey, things are not bad after all"

ending.

you might call me  a person who over thinks. but sigh, thats just what I'm made off i think. right now, after coming up with a list of what i need in life, and definitely, relationship in not in it. so yeah, i seem pretty happy than everything is back to normal. my list would be this :

first, i would like to keep on losing more weight.
second, i would like to learn/ continue guitar on my own so that i can play bruno mars song.
third, i would love to hang out with my friends, and have good laughs and create memories, that will make me smile when I'm 60.
fourth, i would take up korean language just to sing to all #bigbang songs. :)
fifth, I'm gonna volunteer and make myself proud of myself and because i realize today, making others happy makes me happy.


i slept just now around 11pm+ and now its 2.14am and I'm all awake having this discomfort feeling. I am really afraid about how long my happiness is gonna last. Because, when i was happy, it never lasted that long anyways. 


Thats why, sometimes, being all upset and caught up makes me comfortable because i believe that that feeling that I'm pretty much use to never goes away. 




maybe I'm just over thinking. i shall bog again tomorrow. better hit the sack sack now, early class tomorrow :)


xx

bothered. Really

I would say for a 19 years old girl I have actually gone through a slot. I have always wanted a simple life with no problems . But I have to admit that. Have grown up a lot ever since. I still remember how I use to be then and how I am now. Nowadays. I do things to make myself happy. I have already had the courage to push people away nowadays. I know this is mean but I think I am happier this way. I push people that causes drama in my life. All I want is a life which is drama less. I can't deal with drama because I realize that it break people's spine to see us actually happy with or without them. They always wanna bring us down in life. Come on, I need a real fucking good reason to know why you want me to be miserable. All I did was be nice to you.. Have I ever break you, as far as I know I was always there for you and now for myself and for once. Wanted something really bad for myself and now you made me not to talk to him. I would definitely say your the reason why I am like this now. But I forgive you, and everyone for whatever you did to me but I can't forget and even though I forgives you people that doesn't mean i am gonna be all nice to you like normal. The fact is that you broke me apart and it seems like I really can't put back the pieces together for myself. I reall can't. When I realize that I'm feeling so much better, someone but definitely not you, would bring me down. Even family does that you know. It super depressing when you can't put the pieces of your life all back again just for that smile to carve back at your lips. It does break me more because i really have this really good bunch of people in my life that I love which would actually spend time with me for that I am actuaally okay . They make sure That I am actually okay but for how long am I gonna burden them to be there for me. I can't ask them to always be there for me and for all the crap you throw at my life right. I really wish this phase of life end. I dont have plans to commit suicide or whatsoever, that would be something really stupid to do. I just wish that I wasn't alive . And Ive been having this craving to stay alone. I just don't feel like seeing anyone anymore. I just wish. To run and run in the gym and pass out so that you know. Maybe I wanna do all this just to get attention. I can really proudly say that I'm a super confused child. I have never went through this phase of life and I gotta admit that I can't take it no more. I have always been strong and those who have hurt my feelings like really hurt my feelings had definitely make me stronger as an individual. They have really made me into this strong person. I think stronger outside. But the thing is I have always looked strong and always believe there will be solution to everything but I deep inside I'm actually dying because yes, how much I'm gonna go through. How long am I gonna be strong. I know I've been letting the enemy know the weakness I have but then I have no choice because right now, I really can't take it in life. I'm gonna stop complaining and try to figure everything out now. Have a great day people. xx Ashwi (:

time.

its 7.58am now. time . information. how i wish this 4 letter word just mean so information. too bad time means more than that to me.

i need time in everything i do. i need time to let people in my life too. because i rurally don't tell what i go through in life . i just pretend to be happy and pretend that i am actually fine with everything that i don't have anything to worry.

so people tend to think that i never had a bad day in my life before and the truth is, right now,
i am going through bad day for like the past 4 weeks. yes, it is my fault for not expressing how i feel. well i just wanna skip all the messy bit about explaining and i only tell stuff to the ones i am really comfortable with like best friends. they know what i go through and they know that, there a lot going on behind that smile. ALOT.

And i have friends who think that i am always okay with everything and they tend to push it to the limit. i mean you can hardly see me get mean but i think if i do. i know i will be super mean like, damn, I'm gonna fuck you up side down now. but then i would like regret it the next minute. somethings i need to change myself on.

change. i think I've written something about change. i just feel that i will never be ready to take a huge step and live with this change in life. like knowing my actions can make me lose  friend. and i am really not ready for it but its bugging me a lot about things. yeah. lets just not go there

there are  people like i really trust. i do. and i know they never tend to fail me. but then yesterday i realize that no matter how much this person means to you, they can actually fail you. i mean i think this is what we go through although is friendship. there was nothing that mentioned about bestfriend failing you. i think they failing me makes me learn more about them and that is what i am happy about. we need balance.


And to the all of you, i am really sorry if i was mean. i know you know that i love you. :)

have a great morning though

xx

ashwi

Abandoned blog

No, i didn't abandoned my blog. I was away for the past 2 weeks. sorry. blame the assignments. After last week, i feel like a huge load is lift off my back, but then again there is a big assignment coming up. I'm gonna force myself not be stressed out which
 i know i would fail tremendously. So assignments was over on thursday. took time out to meet my friends on friday cause i basically ditched them for a week. And i took the weekend to just laze in my room and tumblr and music. i didn't go out. other than shopping with grannie.

Two weeks, there are many things to blog about but I'm just gonna write something about how i feel now. I know i mentioned that assignment was a huge load off. i have a bigger load behind my back, still which is you.

Why is this fear for you to know how i feel is not subsiding?

I can get over my fear almost on everything asap, but you, it is so hard. i thought i could give myself some time and i shall tell you how i feel. i think my reaction towards you got you thinking about how i feel. and now everything seems so weird around us.

the weird stare we give at each other before the small hi and non stop smiles. i just want to get over the fact that i like you and move on you know. knowing that, i believe being with you seems so impossible, but that 1% of believe i have of you saying a yes is making me go through
shits in life.

sometime i regret that i was a inch close to tell you how i feel because after i did that i just feel things are different between us. i feel maybe you don't. I've been ignoring you too. and i know you know. why we have to make life complicating.

Am i causing more problems to my self?
Something i ponder about every night though.

Other than all this, i had the huge fight with my sister , saturday night. i told her that i forgive her for everything she done that hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally but it wouldn't be fair for her to just ask me to forget right.

the pain i gone through for her, she wants to erase all that with a simple sorry. she is not happy with the fact that i don't put her first anymore in my life like how i used too. now i told her its my friends. cause at one point she chose her friends over me. why should i still care right?

but deep down i do. i want her to know that how much she means to me and how much i would do for her. i pushed her away, because i believe you will realize what they mean to you when that person is not around you.

too much to sigh about in life but i believe i can get through all this though. i know i can because I've always been strong with everything. i just need time.