bothered. Really

I would say for a 19 years old girl I have actually gone through a slot. I have always wanted a simple life with no problems . But I have to admit that. Have grown up a lot ever since. I still remember how I use to be then and how I am now. Nowadays. I do things to make myself happy. I have already had the courage to push people away nowadays. I know this is mean but I think I am happier this way. I push people that causes drama in my life. All I want is a life which is drama less. I can't deal with drama because I realize that it break people's spine to see us actually happy with or without them. They always wanna bring us down in life. Come on, I need a real fucking good reason to know why you want me to be miserable. All I did was be nice to you.. Have I ever break you, as far as I know I was always there for you and now for myself and for once. Wanted something really bad for myself and now you made me not to talk to him. I would definitely say your the reason why I am like this now. But I forgive you, and everyone for whatever you did to me but I can't forget and even though I forgives you people that doesn't mean i am gonna be all nice to you like normal. The fact is that you broke me apart and it seems like I really can't put back the pieces together for myself. I reall can't. When I realize that I'm feeling so much better, someone but definitely not you, would bring me down. Even family does that you know. It super depressing when you can't put the pieces of your life all back again just for that smile to carve back at your lips. It does break me more because i really have this really good bunch of people in my life that I love which would actually spend time with me for that I am actuaally okay . They make sure That I am actually okay but for how long am I gonna burden them to be there for me. I can't ask them to always be there for me and for all the crap you throw at my life right. I really wish this phase of life end. I dont have plans to commit suicide or whatsoever, that would be something really stupid to do. I just wish that I wasn't alive . And Ive been having this craving to stay alone. I just don't feel like seeing anyone anymore. I just wish. To run and run in the gym and pass out so that you know. Maybe I wanna do all this just to get attention. I can really proudly say that I'm a super confused child. I have never went through this phase of life and I gotta admit that I can't take it no more. I have always been strong and those who have hurt my feelings like really hurt my feelings had definitely make me stronger as an individual. They have really made me into this strong person. I think stronger outside. But the thing is I have always looked strong and always believe there will be solution to everything but I deep inside I'm actually dying because yes, how much I'm gonna go through. How long am I gonna be strong. I know I've been letting the enemy know the weakness I have but then I have no choice because right now, I really can't take it in life. I'm gonna stop complaining and try to figure everything out now. Have a great day people. xx Ashwi (: