teamwork

I don't know about you but i do really like my classmates. Both, Matriculation and this computing. I am so fine with everything they do, they only thing is that i never wanna work with them in a group. I feel working in a group is like a pretty big burden, not only for the team leader, like me but also all the members that are involved in a project we are assigned with.

I've beeb having difficulties lately to just complete assignments, as all four assignments due now, is like a group work thing. And as final coming just around the corner and finals is like in 3 weeks and assignments are all due in 2 weeks. i repeat 2 weeks all four. Seems like it sound nothing you may thing

I don't think its anything if you were doing other course, as now its computing, you have to have the perfect powerpoint slide, perfect java code, perfect html . creative webpages. Its like you got to be good in art and good geeks too.

I know it seems like I'm complaining so much, am at the tip of a cliff now, jumping down taking one millisecond. But i am not gonna give up. I know its 20% for each of us. IM GONNA DO IT ON MY OWN and lets just see what happens. Im not gonna complain nor do anything.

I should tell myself not to freak out. take it in one by one.

till then
ashwi. <3

restless mind

Do we just get the thought of somethings gonna happen or is it just us that we tend to think about what is not gonna happen. or perhaps we think too hard. i think its just our nature that we think super duper hard on every little thing. i do that a lot. 

so yeah, a friend, being a friend as usual. told me too much stuff that made me so worried about him and then realized, 

hey, what if whatever he says happens to me. 

At that point i made a point to not bother about anything but just do things that make me happy. umm and one of it was you. and I'm glad that i am actually over you. you chapter was long and now it ended and I've started my new one. its not that i hate you or whatsoever.

 its just that i don't feel the same anymore. its like I'm wasting our time. i am still you friend and your still my dearest friend. and the relationship will just be maintained for the best for both of us. we would definitely be the stupid bunch. as usual. :) 

I am just glad that i want to make myself happy and i realized when i put a thought of being happy i can actually be happy with less pretending and stuff.

I feel like not seeing anyone for the next 2 weeks. to just yeah. 2 weeks.

i will definitely talk to you and Facebook and twitter and bbm . but just not in sight of anyone except my classmates.

I'm just gonna concentrate on three now, class, assignments and gym. 

:)

lovies ;) 

ashes of grief

Have you have lost someone you knew but not personally. He was one of the faces you see everyday and say Good Morning Sir. And thats where you conversations stops every single day?

I did. two days ago. one of my pre-u lecturer. Mr.Jeff Pelland. he lost his soul for being innocent. it kills me to know that, someone who wanted to live life so much and have fun had to go but the ones that don't wanna be alive and regretting every moment and chance they got making this life wonderful, wants to die.

Dies to crossfire

looking at him now, thinking this wonderful person lost everything he had and manage to leave a mark in each and every heart who knew him makes me wanna cry. But I am gonna be strong because I believe this is part and parcel of life that on day we are all gonna lose ourselves too. but i just feel his was too early.

We all who knew him are staying strong for him cause we believe that he wants us to be strong for ourselves. He has not only inspired few but he inspired many and this news was not only devastating, we had anger in ourselves too due to the fact the he was not involved in any issue but had to go through this due to some inconsiderate people we live with.

There are many speculations around about was actually happened but i am just gonna tell this.

Its okay because everyone does mistakes and as it is for this, someone has lost his life. He means dearly to us and we meant so much to him too as his students and most of his friends and i believe he is in a better place now and no matter what, i believe he will be alright. He may not be around us, but his presence will definitely never disappear.

you'll be missed Sir, 

He may not be around us, but his presence will definitely never disappear.

make or break

I took half day from uni today. I was having issues with my eyes and i was totally drained out and stressed out. plus i looked like a zombie. and i was not feeling well. all in one eh. Mum asked me to come home so that i can go see the doc. As it is for my eyes. i feel like just scrapping it out. i will be alright tomorrow.

last night i was talking a friend of mine. and we were basically talking about moving on and letting and avoiding and stuff like that. he made me think. what was i really trying to do. seems like i worry my friends a lot lately, but i worry myself too. i constantly ask myself about my behavior. why am i behaving like this. i use to be that person that is strong but now seems like I'm just strong outside and inside me, my world is crumbling down.

I've been crying a lot too lately. for him. and i bet he knows. but i don't think he could do anything. like right now, if i get to see him, i would really cry, because missing that guy is all i do now. i talk to him but i don't see him. maybe to many talking to that person would suffice but to me it just doesn't work. so yeah, i cry a lot that at times it makes me feel so much better. really better for a short period of time and the sense of miss comes back.

when a person cry, we cant do anything other than to tell them, things will be alright soon. and as they cry, they let go of everything they kept inside and soon they will for sure feel much better.
if i ever cry infront of you, just hold my hands and tell me, that i will be okay because i have always been and just let me cry.


I thought that this wouldn't actually last long but actually it does.

like moments after he left, seems like he just left. you know, just left and not coming back.

avoiding is just letting things be the way it is. like we dont want anymore changes . because you lost something and maybe if there is changes, we are jus afraid that we would totally lose that person.


I just want you to know that i miss you. and i would do anything right now to just turn back time.

text

since you left, texting as in bbm is like what i do when i stare on my phone. nothing else. and i bet you know that i really really miss you till the extend that you couldn't face me when you left. and the best thing you did was to tell your best friend to take care of me. I know that I'm thinking too much now but sometimes i just wish i knew what you were thinking because i believe you know what the heck I'm exactly thinking because you best friend who is apparently my close friends tells you everything i tell him. And i know you always want the best for me and you want me to be alright, but sometimes i wonder if you know that whenever your not the the picture, the word alright is not my friend. And i try so hard to put you aside because i never wanna let the people down in my life. and if you were my priority in life right now, seriously i would fail tremendously in many things. And I'm happy that you really care for me and you find time to at least spent 15 mins with me. i really appreciate all this, if  not i won't be a little like how i use to be. I don't know whether I'm asking for a lot or what but sometime i just wish i knew what we are going through exactly right now.

 I just want you to know that I really miss having you around me.

I really wanna be normal and this is making me sad, upset, annoyed and angry. I don't wanna cry every morning thinking about you, about how you left without tell me. I'm also wondering why you of everyone i know. And it annoys me that when i feel miserable i eat. Why can't you just be like normal to me. I actually did nothing to you. I was there with you through everything as a friend. I just wanna be happy without worrying about how long the happiness is gonna last.

And you know. to pretend that you are okay and you smile and put aside al the pain is the hardest thing I've done in my whole life. And I've been doing it like forever now.

happy.

im kinda running out of post titles though. so what i did was take how i am feeling now. Oh yes, i am feeling happy. pretty much this two weeks. because i was thinking that fuck this problem shit though. how long am i gonna go through all this shit if i really wanna be happy right.

so putting all aside and pretending nothing has happen is definitely hard because you know what you are going through and all can you actually put everything behind and pretend nothing happened but actually all this has reallly cut and slice and scratched your heart.

moving on, i dont really know about you though but right now, for me, my friends. there are like my second backone. im not putting this pile up on their back and telling you that i cant moce on without them. i can. its just that at times i wish they are always there you know. i have my back bone they are second in sense of they can help me be a better person. Thanks to them who fails me at times, make me know they are not some robots with no feelings and they do mistakes too.

Ive learn many things in life that make me say to my self, "hey, things are not bad after all" you know when i put a positive mind on it. think everyone you look at is actually beautiful and trust me the next person you look at is the most beautiful person ever.

I think everything we go through is about our mindset. If we have a positive mindset, even something that is bad will make you feel so much better though. I have always taken things negatively in life but now, i think about what i want and what i need in life. i tell this to myself,

"hey, things are not bad after all"

ending.

you might call me  a person who over thinks. but sigh, thats just what I'm made off i think. right now, after coming up with a list of what i need in life, and definitely, relationship in not in it. so yeah, i seem pretty happy than everything is back to normal. my list would be this :

first, i would like to keep on losing more weight.
second, i would like to learn/ continue guitar on my own so that i can play bruno mars song.
third, i would love to hang out with my friends, and have good laughs and create memories, that will make me smile when I'm 60.
fourth, i would take up korean language just to sing to all #bigbang songs. :)
fifth, I'm gonna volunteer and make myself proud of myself and because i realize today, making others happy makes me happy.


i slept just now around 11pm+ and now its 2.14am and I'm all awake having this discomfort feeling. I am really afraid about how long my happiness is gonna last. Because, when i was happy, it never lasted that long anyways. 


Thats why, sometimes, being all upset and caught up makes me comfortable because i believe that that feeling that I'm pretty much use to never goes away. 




maybe I'm just over thinking. i shall bog again tomorrow. better hit the sack sack now, early class tomorrow :)


xx