fix the broken pieces.

I think that for the next few weeks, I'm just gonna rant about weakness.
I admit though, I feel weak. I feel so weak not physically but emotionally.
I feel weak that I never fight for myself. I just let you take over and throw everything you wanted at me.
I don't like the fact that I just force myself to be the weak one and let in, and just accept everything like it was my mistake.
Because we both know, it is not.
It is not mistake that you took everything i say or write or even tweet about personally. Its not my fault that you feel so insecure about what I feel because you know that at one point you know that it is true.

I feel that we pretty much live in a very cruel world. That we are thought to not show our weakness to people because we are afraid that at the end, that exact weakness is  used upon us. Because as far as I observe, I realize that this is why I don't really show how weak I am. I just pretend to be this really strong person and those nights when I tell that I am not okay, people assume that I am fine, because I've always been strong. Never weak. At all.

I realize that how you portray yourself to be is how your surrounding will treat. If you portray yourself to be this person, it takes awhile for someone to change their perspective about you. Sometimes they never, like the say first impression is everything but they don't realize that first impression is not everything, people change, so does the perception they wish to portray to us.

By not addressing the weakness we have, I feel that we are losing so much as an individual. I feel that without letting out your weakness, you can never overcome the weakness. I mean if you look at it from a another point of view, maybe you can. And that would be like all the physical stuff you know, like fear of animals and stuff.

What about fear of rejection. How would you over come it, as you know people would definitely reject you. Even after becoming a better person, do you think that you would actually overcome the fear of rejection because I don't think becoming better physically is not gonna make you feel better emotionally.

How are we suppose to change, when every mistake is used up against us. Like how do you do that.

Then you have people like me, who would do anything to the extend of taking the blame just to make sure that no one gets hurt but then its okay for myself to be hurt because, I think I can deal with it, but the truth is I can't. I always need someone to tell me that I will be alright or someone tell me anything to make myself feel better.

Its funny that you can pretend that nothing happened between us. Like you can be so okay about it, but I thought we were both in this friendship together, the fact that you moved on so fast and have new friends, but here I am still writing and wasting my time thinking about you. Still telling myself to forgive you, but the heart just doesn't want to allow.

And maybe I should stop forgiving, because after this few days, I realize that I don't matter anymore to you, so I am not gonna apologize just to make things better.
Maybe I should really stop fixing something that is to broken to fix.

Weak.

Today I realize, another thing that actually hurts my feelings. You know.
That scary feeling you have when you think about the situation. Where you wanna just hold your breathe, because you try to actually pay attention to breathing instead of the picture you have in your mind.

The fact that you appear. Whenever you appear on my Facebook, twitter, or even tumblr, I just tend to hold my breathe and not think about all that we had before as best friends. I don't know what you think about us still being best friends. To be honest, after three weeks, I feel like that ship is really sailing away. I haven't sailed yet, but the anchor is lifted already. Now it all depends on the wind. And waves, for the ship to slowly drift away from the harbor.

I don't know how I would feel if you actually appear in front of me. Well all of I can think off doing right now, is running away. Because seeing you, it hurts. Looking at something that I was afraid losing. Its scary. And that feeling sucks. To be honest, if I ran away, would you think I am saving a trouble or actually think that I am afraid of you, and since I am afraid, you tell your friends that I am weak, and afraid to see you so this means I am at fault.

Well I know you, and the second situations is what we both will go through. Where you realize that I am actually weak and you tell it to the world and take that as a leverage because people always say that, a sinner, runs away.

What people don't understand is that sometimes the ones who looks weak or the ones you think is weak, actually is not weak at all. You just say that because it makes you feel better. For me, I don't just call someone weak because no one knows what its like to feel weak, being sad is not a weakness and crying is not a weakness too. Its just your level expressiveness. And you think they are weak because you wouldn't be that emotional. Maybe instead of calling me weak, you should call yourself emotionless which is much more worse that being weak. You consider the ones that run away is weak, but to me, the ones that run away is smart. They are smart because they don't want to get hurt, they are hurt and it would be stupid for them to hurt themselves more.

I admit that I run away. I don't want to confront you because to me, its not worth it. I wanted to save what we have, but after every word you threw to me, I rather save myself from a heartbreak. Its not worth it, to break my heart. Its not worth it for me to fix a broken glass. Because I don't want too. I don't need you to be a nice person, its okay, you have proven to me that you are just the same, but the difference with you is that you try so fucking hard to be nice, but you are just not and you know it.

I should've known earlier because it was obvious you were trying too hard.

I dont hate you or whatsoever.

I just don't like you because whenever I think about you, my whole soul is filled with rage and I don't like myself like that. I am more than that anger, and all you do is rekindle that anger in me.

Exam.

Where do I actually start, I don't know.
I am definitely reaching the highest degree of stress right now. I mean I know it's just two papers.
But thinking about acing both of it is not easy. I feel that its happening to fast. Like I just started my degree few weeks ago and here I am, on the midst of searching for extra time because I need time.

But I am sure I will get through this phase. I always did. But to be honest, I feel like giving up already. I studied like a crazy person yesterday and today, I'm just spazzing like a Mofo. Well not what I do best, but definitely the best right now.
I will try to get back into my books and drown myself in it.

Yesterday, in the midst of studying, I decided to give myself a small break, so I decided to go watch Pitch Perfect. I mean its the "Modern Musical" thingy. Which was fun, it was suppose to be humor. Humorous. But I feel like I took it too personally. I mean that what movies do to us. I at least think they do.

That what writers do. They have this own world of their own. Picturing someone else life. And writing amazing stories like it have effected them. And when the one watches it, all emotions are heighten and you feel like crap because you think that the wrote could relate so much to you, like you were the writer, like the writer interview you and wrote and made a movie about you.

It sucks.
When you feel a lot better and you go to watch a funny movie, believing that you were okay. And to your horror, as funny as it was, there was a deep meaning to all the humor, the covers up so  much of darkness, pain and truth.

Maybe this time around, it hit me because that was exactly what I was going through. And I look up to music for help instead of humans. I push people away and keep music. You know all that jazz.
Well, thanks to my ability to constantly tell myself that I will be alright, I am not gonna explode now. Not now when exams are around the cover. And I promise Ill try to not explode right after exam but I don't know. I will definitely try.

tbh,
i fucking hate you for ruining me like this. bitch.

go away.

It is very obvious to everyone, that the future scares me. I feel like I'm scared my entire life thinking how my future is gonna be like.
I don't know if you think its early to say, but I realize, that I don't want to like get settled in life. You know like having a family.

That kind of settle.

People think I am over reacting. And there are some who thinks that I am making a decision based on my present but eventually in future I would like get married and be in a committed relationship. To be honest, what we are doing now is how we gonna be in the future.
And whenever I plan, like 5 years from now, I don't have a space for another person to come in my life. I really don't because I don't want too. I don't want too because I know I can't handle it, the thought of getting attached to a person and knowing that at the end you are gonna lose them, and thinking that I deserve the best, and I can never find the best because I am not at best. And all this thoughts. It made me make up my mind that I don't want to be committed to another soul. I wanna be committed to a job, to my career. I am not saying I wanna be a career woman, but I'd rather be committed to a career than a man. Because I feel that it is less painful.

There are people who claims that I am doing all this because of a friend, actually no. I am not. I truly understand why someone would even have this thought. Well at least for me, thanks to all of you, who I cared for but never fail to leave me at the end, thanks to all of you that now I feel this way. I mean its a good thing right, that I can save myself from another heartbreak.

Maybe we all screw up and I should forgive and forget people who does, I do forgive but you can't just accept me to forget. And again, think about it, have I ever hurt you, or any of you to deserve all this. All I did was care and I had people telling me mean stuff about things I didn't do, you took my life and you wanted me to change it because you fucking can't control yourself from reading my blog. Like who the fuck does this shit to you so called "best friend".

I am obviously still mad.
Cant you see.
I've been so cold to you.

You know, I don't like this small talk shit, it is obvious enough that I don't want to talk to you, why don't you understand. Why are you keep on coming back to me making me feel bad for ignoring you. Why don't you just get it. You are so happy now, and trust me, you'll be happier without having to try to talk to me. You called yourself a friend, a best friend. Well as one, I wished you knew me better, than throwing all the words that you know would break me. And now you wanna patch things up.?

I don't want to patch things up.
All I want is time.
Time for me to move forward.
Time for me to not care what you did
Time for me to be emotionally stable.
Time for me to switch on my feelings.
Time for me to not feel bad at all.

I need you to give me my space.
You need to let go of me,
Because I did.

Don't come telling me I didn't fight for it.
Well I did,
and within days,
you crushed it again.
I would be a total idiot to make things work.

I know you want to make it work.
But I don't want to.

So maybe its time,
You need to let go of me.
You don't need a friend like me.
I don't want to disappoint or be disappointed.

And at the end of the day, the quiet ones get blamed for everything.
And the world is just so stupid to not hear both side of the story
Before judging.

love.

society.

I remember few months ago, I was this person filled with rage, to be honest, too much rage that I was afraid I would explode to the people I love. I mean I was scared I would hurt them, but I don't think  I did other than they hurting me of course.

During this period of time, everything that was happening to me, the only person I was blaming was the world, the society. The society that shaped me for who I have become today. But that solely depended on me. Its either I wanna follow what the society does who I wanna do what I believe is right.

And I realize, society is just society. I am apart of the society. We want to change the world, we want to change everyone to think like us. To follow what we think is correct. But the problem is that everyone have their own belief. Everyone was brought up the different way.

For example, me and my sister. We were brought up together with the same set of parents, and with a small age gap but yet we are so different now. She has a total different way of living her life and I have a total different way of living mine. There are points we don't agree to each other but the thing is, that is how she wants to be. And who am I wanting to change that? She has a different society, that thinks alcohol and parties is life. For me, I don't think alcohol and party in life. I like stuff that are more artistic. Like music and art. I believe thats what I live for.

We are all coming from a different background.
For me, I think being healthy is important. Its really important today because its very easy for us to fall ill or get a dangerous disease. The last thing I wanna do before I die is to suffer from pain and die with no hair. You know, and there is not such thing of being big and healthy. There is not such thing as that because in order to be healthy is first to be in that correct form of body where you heigh and weight is inline. And I think people though that saying that fat is ugly is that only way for them to make sure that the future society is healthy. Then again, we misused the whole point of telling the fat is ugly. We misused it. And all the oversized people, couldn't accept the fact that why people say this and started being rebellious about it and going to the extend of thinking that the society is not gonna accept them.
Me being fat for like my whole life, people put me down, a lot for being over weight, and I thought they were just being very mean to me, but now, I thank them, because I work out, I am moving towards becoming an healthy person, extending the length of my life too.

Why all negatives, has to be perceived as negative, why can't you take it and make it as something positive for you, you know, to be a better person.

I think that at one point we wanna be rebellious. As humans, I think we wanna know how it feels to be bad or to be like all those mean people. Its just a phase. I mean you can't just blame the world for everything.

Like me, as the society today, I am offended with the fact that people blames the society for what others do. I mean at the end of the day, there is not one society. There are many. So don't think that just because one person has hurt you or offended you in anyway, you think the whole society is like that person. Maybe you should know first, why is that particular person like that, then decide. Instead of straight just blaming the society.

the heist

There are different kind of importance to different people.
For me, there are somethings that are really important, but it is not the same as for another person.
To me, music plays a big part of my life.
It does because I realize that, music never fails me at any condition, thus,
Music is the medication to the soul.
For me at least

I don't have a specific genre that I like or specific genre that I listen too.
I listen to almost everything, as long as it has a beautiful tune and meaningful words.
That I can relate too, then I would listen to it. I think I can't choose one type of music I would listen too.

Rap was not the best fit though, but stuff that Eminem did was okay because I can relate to it. Nicki Minaj, hm, Nop. Her videos are disturbing.

Last night, a friend introduced me to Macklemore. Okay. It was like how when I first found out about Imagine Dragons, and now I'm so in love with the Dragons..

And Macklemore is like whole new level of perspective towards music, especially rap music.


I realize that rappers are genuine. They write what they see. They tell an story using music. The way genuine words blend with a simple piano music, with loads of emotions. And I feel that this is what rappers should do. What rappers should dive in. Its about the story, the story of life, feelings anything that makes  people change their mind.

I thank you for making amazing music. I thank you for changing my perspective using one of the things I love the most, music.

Keep making good music.

And The Heist is an album that is to die for. 

love.

problem.

As we grow up, we learn that people that weren't suppose to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. You'll blame a new love for things an old love did. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll cry because time is flying by and eventually you'll lose someone you love. So take too many picture, laugh took much, forgive easily, and love like you haven't been hurt. - Anonymous


This would be one of the truest quotes, or phrase that I've ever read. I mean its apart of everyone. That everyone goes through this. Its just some remains silent and not care about it and then there another group of us, that just can't handle the situation the right way.

I am probably the one who doesn't really know how to handle the situation. Well not proud of it, but just stating the bare truth. Why do I really say this. I don't know but I think kinda got the picture why I say that I am this weak person.

I realize, I always portray myself as this person with problems. I think the ratio of me portraying myself to be happy : to myself with problem is like 1: 3. And I think because of this, that I always dwell myself in sadness. Like I don't really takes those happy moments I have and over think them and make me believe that hey, life isn't that bad after all.
I don't do that, and I think that is why I always feel miserable.

And I definitely feel sad for Rhys that, he has to listen to me, I mean theres no happy things that I tell him. I am gonna make a point to talk about everything that makes me happy first, before the sad part. And not so much about the sad part Because he deserves that, he deserves to laugh when he is around me because he is an amazing person.

I realize at the end of the day, its how we wanna look things at. How strong we wanna be for the situation we are currently facing. That some of us would wanna be strong and not look weak because we are afraid that people may hurt us more, and then there are some of us, who is basically the cliff and the broke, in everyday possible. And they feel like its the end, but they don't realize that not every day is a gloomy. I don't realize that tomorrow things will be okay, like how everyday is.
Its up to me whether I wanna put yesterday back and move for today.

And I know what my problems are, and what my prorates are, and I never let go of the reason of why am i here and how I am here today. Because of who, and why I wanna be here, how am I here. I know everything. Its just that sometimes, its just too much to handle, that is also depending on of degree of tolerance towards problem. At the end of the day, we get out of it. We do. There are people who don't, and right now I am not that person. I get out of my problems in a mean way but it helps, I really don't care about other. And thats how I make myself feel better.

At the end of the day we are all selfish in our own ways, that can be a good thing for us and bad thing for someone else or vice versa.

Its just life. So lets start taking loads of pictures, put these fears aside, handle things much much better. Forgive. Not asking to forget, but forgive, it makes you feel like the better person. :)


love.