against the world

I've been pushing away memories, to be happy

I've been keeping myself busy, to be happy

I've been doing what i like, to be happy

I've been ignoring people, to be happy

I've been very reckless, to be happy

I've been watching movies, to be happy

Got me thinking, does this making me genuinely happy, 

Or just be pretend to be happy, for the sake of putting a smile,

And not really being happy .

I've been pretending, to be happy, fake.

facts.

I don't mind playing this game, but one day, all will come crashing down, because we will just be tired. Tired of everything. Tired of making others happy, Tired of forcing myself to be alright.

After weeks and weeks of battle with emotion,I'm finally feeling so much better, because i pretend. That i pretend to the world that I'm okay. put on that fake, genuine smile just to not answer question. Well I'm still doing it now, one day. it will. crash. 

Semester break, nothing to complain. A lot of work. But thats just normal for a student. My occupation is student, my job is assignment and studying. And my salary would be good result. Ive been having second thought of doing my degree in Monash and Taylors. The offer all the courses I wanna do, and they both have my really good friends around. So this is a really hard decision. Should i maintain it like how it is now, with the fact that I'm in Taylors and one good friend is Monash and another one is in Sunway. r should I just go there. I don't know. I've been thinking about it lately, and sometimes i just wish it would be easy.

Moving on, Ive always had good relationship with my boyfriends. Including A. He has been there, we had this small thing going on with our feeling, till i decided to take a step back breathe and think about the consequences to fall more into this emotionally throbbing feeling. No one said it to me, but  I think it was a huge relieve for a fried of mine, as i won't be going through any issues. Then another one assured me that he would be there. 

It only takes one to agree for us to proceed. 

Im still feeling very scared that things won't work out and it would not only hurt me but him too, and I've tried so many things to jut prove to him that it won't work, I don't think he gets the picture. Like I ignore his text, i ditch him ( more than he ditches me ). Ive been not going to the gym, because I just don't want to see him. The moment looking at him, everything is back to square one. And i don't want that. I really don't. I know he would be there, when i need someone to pull me up. I believe he will. But then again, everyone who is against this, I want them to in my life. How is this all going to work. Then again, how to push this feeling away.

What happened to, 

Us against the world, Ashwi?

I just wish to hold you close to me, even under the rain.

Promise me, you would stay a little longer, 

To make sure that I'm strong enough to let you go

And walk through this road, without you.

Been repeating, Us Against the World-Westlife 

thanks friend.