I push people away, then ill feel relieve a little. because theres one less who is gonna hurt me, then after awhile, i feel rather empty. :/ sometimes, very empty and i get this tingling feeling that i don't understand.
I don't know why I'm so afraid of them hurting me. Why that I can't handle things and why I just can't be normal with all this, because i believe this is part and parcel of life. And i tell this to my friends that even i can't imply to myself.
Its very weird that when you look at it from far, the road seems so perfect and the closer you go to appreciate the beauty, you find holes. emptiness, ugliness. everything that just not the niche of life.
Sometimes, i tend to be really mean to people, its not that i don't. its one of the weakness that i seem to can't get my hands off, when I'm really upset, i tend to get annoyed with everything around me, and when people come up to me with questions, i tend to give mean answers. i don't want you to try to understand my feelings. i really don't. I just want you to not care. because you asking me, is never gonna make me feel better. i don't want to torture your life with my ever longing problems. i just want you to not care. about what i feel. one minute i rant, the next i get over it and move on. its not a permanent thing, don't come up to me about it. i don't want to hurt your feelings because at the end of the day, i will feel really bad about it, like now.
looking back, there are many things that i just don't understand about myself. that why is it hard to just let go. and believe no one is like them. why i get so attached to people and when they leave, it tears me up so much.
like i said before, i know it nothing permanent. as time flies, i believe al this worries would too. everything is about time. And i think we should not just rush into things. :)
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