Strong.

That moment when someone says that they want to kill themselves. And you are just so fed up with the fact that they blackmail you like that, you tell them to go ahead and do it. Because you think that no one would appreciate you if you don't appreciate yourself.

And then, after 3 minutes, you are like what the fuck did I just do.
Why did I say something like that to a person who is so fragile. And what if you "go ahead" was gonna initiate a person for doing it.

It scared the shit out of me, and I send her a message saying that she can talk things out and made sure she realize that problems are there, but there are solutions to all problem, and we are never left with a dead end. Theres no dead end to problems at least.

To whom it may concern,
To the one who thinks every night about killing themselves because they can't take another day,
To those who are so weak and fragile.

Listen,
You problems are huge because you over think it. Don't let the problem control your mind. And don't let your heart give up. How old are you, 15, 16, 17, 19? Its okay.
Think about the issues other people have, and you may feel that yours in not bad after all.
Why would you wanna let go of yourself. You know  you are beautiful inside out. I don't know, but even if I don't know you at all. I would totally be disappointed because you gave up. You gave knowing that after this phase its all butterflies again. You gave up at the turning point where the next agenda is getting through the problem.
It makes me sad when I see someone who just thinks suicide is the solution to problems. Do you know how much more problems suicide cost. The rate of failure suicide case is as high as 90%. Think about how is it gonna effect you, when you fall under this 90%.

Do you think there are people who is not loved in this world. Do you think no one loves you. I guess you are wrong. No one hates a person before loving them. How can someone just hate you without getting to know the real you first. Okay harsh truth, maybe you are the problem. Maybe you think whatever you do is right and no one should question you, because you are right. Life doesn't work that way. We don't live alone here. We are surrounded by millions of people with all different background and lifestyle. We have our own belief, but our beliefs have to at least be agreeable to 0.001% of the community.

I know, you (anyone) has a lot of your plate right now, but believe me, killing yourself is not gonna do justice to the fact that you woke up this moment. Me being someone who was in depression when I was as young as 8 years old, and wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I believe that we can get through problems. Problems are temporary. But letting go of your life is permanent. Don't do it, its not worth all the struggle. Its not worth solving every issue you had in your life.

When I wanted to kill myself, I  thought about everyone that cared for me. And now, I wanna be strong for them. I don't want to disappoint them, thus I stay strong, no matter how hard life is. No matter how weak I am, I will be strong for those who believed in me.

I believe that you can do it, you can get out of this mess. In every way possible. You can always talk to anyone you are comfortable with, if you wanna talk to me, you know how to find me. So don't just put this much on you and don't put all of this on others, don't let them see how weak you are. Don't make them sit in this world of fear, where they know, someone has planned to do something stupid and coming to know that they can't help this person at all. Help is everywhere. Talk it out, solutions will come flying to you.

love. 
stay strong. 

unfollow = still care.

Sometimes, it's just good to tell things off.
Because not everyone knows how you are feeling. Not everyone knows what goes through your mind. Not everyone knows that what they are doing is making you unhappy.

What I mean by telling it off is that, you don't have to be mean to tell someone that you are not happy. There are other options, like being really polite and nice about how you feel. You don't need to snap at another person for you being so fragile. You can't  blame others for being fragile.

Being fragile in many ways, is your option. You don't want to make yourself better, to be less fragile. You don't want to be strong for yourself, so that when someone decides to hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, you are not able to deal with it.

I am not telling that I am strong, I have a certain degree of tolerance towards pain, if it hurts me too much, I talk about it to someone I trust the most, and not care about what you do after that. I just don't put effort in making things better. I know its not a good trait to carry, but I think I'm on this cliff of giving up to make things better.

I started questioning myself that why do I have to put so much effort to make things better, if you are really worth the effort, I will definitely put it, but if you are not, I just don't care.
Sometimes, I just feel lucky, to have someone who is so close to me that is very sensible. He is just able to make me feel so much better. In many ways.

Moving on, I am sorry that I don't know everything that happens in your life, like how you know what happens in mine. Honey, the thing is I don't stalk you as much as you stalk me. So I tend to ask you questions, about yourself that I don't know. And you have ignored me multiple times, why don't you just answer my question. I am sorry that it hurts your feelings when I ask you, because I really don't know.

The last thing I wanna do is pretend that I don't know, because if I know I wouldn't come up and waste my time to ask you what is happening. Cause I already know and to be honest, I have so much other things to do.

I hope that at times you can just tell me how you feel so that I won't be there to bug or make sure you are okay.
Okay fine, you annoy the shit out of me, always that also made me unfollow you on twitter, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Come on, that is just stupid. What the hell, why would something like twitter effect you. Its a social site for Christ's sake.

xx

BigBang Alive Galaxy Tour Malaysia 271012

I'm not a newbie nor a pro when it comes to concert. The only thing I know about concerts is that, no matter what, settle for the best. There's no point going to a concert and not being able to see you favorite singers up close with their sweat dripping down their face. Or even looking at it through the screen the organizers set up. Obviously, if you have the buying power to settle for the best. The second thing is when you are at a concert, just don't waste you money, by taking gazzilion pictures and videos but not watching the show live. My first concert when I was 12. And out of this 8 years, this are the two most important thing I've learnt.

Few days ago, I went to one of the concerts in my bucket list.
Big Bang Alive Galaxy Tour.
 And to be honest, I paid almost RM600, and it was worth every penny. I was not completely satisfied, or dissatisfied. They met my expectations but didn't exceed my expectations.
Everyone looked amazing and this is one of the best nights and experience I had this year. And I miss them, I do. But they are idols. I need to believe that they would come back again, one day. They would.

Nothing can take away all the images and moments that I have inside my head. Nothing can. I can't write it down though. I don't know where to start. But I told myself that I will never forget this amazing adrenaline rush in my body when I saw all the Oppa's :)

Wait till I rock Alive Galaxy Tour tshirt.  :D

xx

kept in mind.

Does it get to you when you realize that everything is just so temporary. Like nothing seems permanent. With the temporariness I have around me, I feel like even my tattoos are so temporary. Its just there.

That feeling.
Its just there, and it doesn't effect you in anyway possible.

That feeling is annoying, I have it in me right now, or maybe I'm just hungry. I don't know. Maybe its hunger and annoyance. All together. Which is not a good thing. I need myself to be all together and content. I ave assignments due next week and finals in three weeks.
Thinking about it, three weeks is short. sigh.

That's the thing about uni, at one point you doubt yourself so much and you feel like you are failing the class because you are so free. And after a few weeks, you doubt yourself about passing this class because there is so much to do and you don't know where to start.

I missed Adam. However you wanna take it. I miss him. I always had him with me. When I'm happy, sad and angry. He is just there with his annoying face. And I didn't see him for 10 freaking days. And you might think its short but 10 days is darn long and I just wish I could see him already. I mean I talked to him when he came back. But now I wanna see his face. I am gonna go try my luck to see whether he will be free in the gym today or not.

I don't like to miss people. I really don't. At one point my brains decides to make use of itself so much and create unwanted scenarios that I am scared thinking off. You know you can stop yourself from feeling anything. But can we like stop our brains from thinking too much?

hmm, i wonder.
I want a long hug. I really do. Anyone. Just give me a freaking long hug. I'm sure I would feel so much better for at least 20 minutes. Feeling better for 20 minutes, would suffice.

I just feel like i'm at this dead end.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know who I want.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know who I need.

But I know, the current situation is not what I kept in mind.

Word.

this is it.

Monday. Its like the start of the week. Well at least for me, I don't start my week on Sunday or any other day.

My monday's are so freaking hectic, that I wish my week starts on Monday and ends on Monday itself. Tuesday to Sunday will be like the weekend. 

Sadly, we don't always get what we want right. 

By the time I finish my monday, I am just drained. In so many ways. I mean like I don't have the power to survive till Friday. I don't think I have the strength. But I don't have a choice but to get through it right. 

I guess this week, it affected me more, that I am so stressed out because I am just drained. In every way possible. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I am not kidding. I am having like a massive headache now, but I can't just go home and cover myself under the blanket and pretend there is nothing happening tomorrow. I have a test tomorrow. A mid term test. 

You might not be stressed or anything like that. But I take all this shit seriously. 

I mean no matter what comes by, I will never  flip in school. I can never afford to flip in school. 

Because I am like that. I mean I am sorry. But theres nothing playful about screwing up uni. 

Or maybe I am just a person with very high expectations that I don't wanna disappoint myself. 

Or I feel theres nothing else I can be really good at than school, that I want to make sure that I get good results all the way through. 

It is putting stress on me, I am not kidding. But I just can't afford to let it go. And Monash is so difficult. Its just so difficult, that there's so many familiar faces, that I just wish I didn't wanna see or have a conversation with, because I don't know. I just don't wanna talk to anyone. 

And I don't know why, But the weather is annoying the shit out of me. It just so fucking cold. I mean, I'm like with three layer of clothes in one of the hottest country in the world, and I feel like just fucking burning myself because its just so cold.

Is it because of all the coldness i've received this pass few days, its just making me hate the weather. 

I mean I use to love, the cold weather. 

But now, I just want the sun to shine as bright as possible, because all this coldness is just too much to handle. 

I really wish the sun came up and just shine. I need the heat. I need to make myself feel better. 

Bottom line, I am sick. I'm stuck with flu and fever.

I wanna get over this phase. 

I wanna clear things with you 

I wanna move forward

Don't keep me waiting to just clear things. 

Lets do it, and move on.

With or without each other. 

But I need time & space

All the words you threw at me,

It's just too much too handle. 

And I am sorry. 

I know I should be stronger, 

But I can't. 

I will not be upset if you wanna take your space too

Because it takes a little bit longer for me to heal. 

I never thought this would happen, 

But it did. 

So I guess this is it. 

xx

future.

I don't know about every other normal twenty year old.
But me, I think about my future a lot. I mean there are a lot of things that I do and there are certain things I believe I should live the moment and there are certain things that I believe I should plan out.

Basically
Live the moment - My relationship, falling in love and all. I don't want to have a plan. Like I want it to happen and I don't want to be commitment. I really don't. I don't want to do something I am not good at. I really don't. Taking care of people and their feelings and people getting too close and then leaving me, right now, that all is too much to handle. I am not kidding.

Plan Out - How my life is gonna be, everything other than relationship and being committed to someone, anyone. Having a good job and having to earn enough to sustain my lifestyle. Being able to support my parents and send them for holidays etc. I want a family. I know, no commitment but family. I am not kidding I picture myself to be a successful woman, with a family which means kids. I mean a man can come into it, but without it, it will not make a big difference for me. I want kids I really do. You know, me and my baby.

PS : you might think its too young to like think about all this but to be honest, I can't wait to leave uni, and get over the phase of finding the "job" and then settling in life. I can't wait to settle down, because I picture myself having the job that I will love and I would look forward to doing it every single day. And a kid that I will love and just be there for.

This is how I picture it to be, but at the end, God has more power, to either change it to just let it be.