Monday, January 7, 2013

leave if you want too.

When someone you think would never disappoint you eventually does disappoints you, it's like you are slapping your own face. That feeling where you just want to hit yourself so hard for having so much hope on one person, even after so many others have disappointed you in many ways. 

It's kinda frustrating when there is so much other things you can do, other than making people around you always feel better. But I did not, did not do all the other things to ensure the ones I love are okay. I wasn't doing anything hoping for something in return, but sometimes, I wish they'd just appreciate it. 

No one has ever done something for me that I wish they'd have. But I am not complaining, its okay for them to not do anything for me, because they least someone I love could do is appreciate me for who I am. I feel lately, I've been invisible. Maybe in their eyes, I am, or I will always be. I think that one of the most cruel thing you can do to a person is to pretend you care more than you actually do. 

I totally understand with the term, we have our own life. We do. I agree, and I totally agree that our lives doesn't revolve around each other, but for me, my life at least; it revolves around making people around me feel better, because it eventually brings positive vibes into me as well. I wouldn't pretend or even assume someone with such a strong figure have no feelings nor fragile side of them. 

I have a soft spot for so many people in my life. And just this one soft spot definitely leads to many disappointments. And at one point, there's nothing much you can do about it, because you believed too much in this one person. 

Don't take someone for granted just because you know every time you push them away, they'd come back running to you. Cause one day they wont. One day I will not be there, because I've already given up, maybe in you maybe in me. But I've given up on everything. And I wont be there any more, making sure you are doing okay. 

Honestly, that is not someone I would want to be, giving up on you or even myself, cause for the past 20 years, the battle I fought to be where I am today will not be worth it at all.

It effects me if you leave, if anyone leaves, it effects me badly, I literally will break, but I'd rather have that once and move on, rather than you doing it over and over again because I don't want to cry to sleep, just because I am invisible to you. I'd rather lose you once than you hurting me over and over again. 


x.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Problem #1234

I churn most of my thought when I am driving. I guess its no where I can run too, when my mind is scattered in many ways. But maybe that is one of the reasons why I actually really enjoy driving and a little of traffic jam. Because there is no where I can run at this point, where I am literally nothing to do and my brain will use all this time to think.

I know, over thinking can be bad, but at times, it makes you realize what are your self worth in life.

Last night, I tried to like sleep early because I have a really early class today, thanks to Monash. :D
And I normally don't sleep at 10pm, although that is really ideal. I sleep on average at 2am. Because I have many issues and sleeping is one.
Phone was ringing at 12am for who else other than the ex boyfriend. It was a surprise that he actually called, I mean he never calls and yesterday he did. And I definitely called back, thinking it must be something really important that he would wanna inform me or something, atleast I was hoping for it to be important.

And all he called for is to ask whether I have Lord of the Rings, DVD version. Not blue-ray but DVD. And he specifically told me, that he would not watch it if its Blue-ray. Sometimes I wonder, how did I ever fell in love with a bitch. I mean it was a pretty hard hit on the floor though, this one at least.
So moving on from that conversation, I was pretty upset with Adam right now, I don;t really wanna talk about it with anyone, but definitely someone I trust.
And this guy right here is definitely someone I trust, but the point is trusting  is one, but I forget about the fact that I needed someone judgemental. Being a typical indian guy himself, judging is the first thing that he would do.

I realize that sometimes, he feels really happy to see my scar myself this much with emotions. I mean he gives me the most sarcastic comments ever. And the way he has this sarcastic laugh because people are leaving me. And the way he feels, so gay when someone decides to hurt my feelings or anything like that.

I don't understand why is it important for him that I am actually failing. In average right now, I am definitely failing in life, and I know that. I am not waiting for a miracle to change it, but I guess sometimes its just me, just me that I give dealing with people. I distant myself because sometimes, that's just me. And it doesn't really effect me unless someone says it to my face. And I think that is why sometimes I am so reserved that I don't really wanna talk things out with anyone because they judge.

Why can't someone just get through the day without judging or making each other feel bad.
I mean I know you are my ex, but if you really have a problem with my dating life, maybe you should take one turn and look at how I treat you, I am your ex too. And I think I deserve to be treated with much more respect. I didn't cheat on you or hurt your feelings, but why are you still doing it?

Is it because I shrug things off my shoulder easily to prevent trouble, that at the end it makes me look bad always? Or am I just too nice, that you know I eventually forgive you, like always.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

2013

Hello. ! :)
So today is the last day of 2012. And guess what I am doing.
Yup having some alone time at Starbucks cherishing the past 365 days.
The amount of laughter, love, anger, hate and frustration, all sums up to make me this person I am at this very moment.
Although heart breaks are hard to handle, I definitely believe I've dealt with it great and it has definitely made me a better person.

During this year, I've met many new people and not forgetting those old ones who never gave up on me, :) thanks. And those who I never thought would leave, which eventually left, it hurts but I guess its all lessons for me to be a better person. Thanks for that too.
As much as I miss you, I am sure what we did is for the best, the only thing I wish for is that we stop pretending to be okay, when clearly everyone knows we are not. Its sad, for many of them, but I guess people need to deal with it.

Moving on,
I realize I've made many selfish and important decisions for life in future this year. I have. And I've never worked this hard to actually do good, and thanks to all the pressure.
Decisions that I made definitely got me thinking a lot, and all the decisions, okay maybe mostly was just what I need, what I needed to do to make me better, which includes, pushing people who genuinely cared away.
I'm sorry that I had to do that, I truly am, but I cant afford to be so attach to so many people and slowly bite my heart off thinking how life would be without them. One of the greatest decisions I've made is to stay alone. I'd rather be alone than to have the thought of losing somebody, unless my mum manages to talk me out of it. My point is, I feel that at this very moment I am so attached to so many people in life, and the last thing I have to do is lure more people into my life. I don't want to do that, because I don't think all this would work, basically.

I know no one would read here, but I think I am better off writing it out that actually explaining how much they mean to me.

I love you all, for always being there and caring. Thanks for all the bitter sweet memories created throughout the year and thank you for always lending me your should when I needed one. Mostly, thanks for all the happiness that you guys gave me, thanks for the amazing 2012, and lets kick some 2013 asses, shall we?

Loads of love, 
Ashwi. 

xx.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas.

Merry Christmas loves.
Its time of jolly wolly and alcohol.

I had the best Christmas eve ever. Last night.
Today I'm just tired as fuck.
I dont know why I had to drink too much. It was free and comfortable because it was infront of y parents I think. Like I don't have to hide the fact that I drink and I do get drunk.

But overall, I regret doing it last night.
Pretty much irresponsible I would say. :)
But I wish it was much better, and
I hope you are having a amazing Christmas, whoever you are.
I love you loads.

Ashwi.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

love, hurts too much.

Hope. Its the only thing stronger than fear.
- The Hunger Games

So I really have been away for quite some time from here. I guess university took too much of my time. And honestly I realize that I can never come up with any other excuse that university. But its the truth. I guess the next four years of my life would just be, this.

So my mid semester break officially started yesterday. For one week, I mean it also includes Christmas and New Years break. Sadly, the combine everything and gave us like just one week holiday. So today is like officially the first day and what I was doing. Definitely, downloading and watching movies at home. I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower, 21 Jump Street & LOL.

By watching these movies, one this that was in common is the fact that you love something/someone too much that it actually hurts.
When I think about it, over and over again, it does really hurt because you just love this person too much, be it whoever and we are shoved with the fact that nothing last forever. Thus you know all this love, not forever. And it hurts.

They say when you fall in love, don't stumble. Just have that gentle fall because they gentle fall may keep you occupied till its gone, when its gone, that gentle fall, makes you stand near a cliff and it would be so much easier to pull yourself back together.
Sometime we can say that love is also like a knife. Just imagine, falling in love, it can either make you or break you. The knife can carve beautiful images, and also can stab right through you. Its kinda of the end of story when it stabs right through you. However, when it carve this beautiful images in your soul, when, it is always fresh. And the when carving starts to heal, its painful. healing process starts with pain. What I mean is that, think about when everything ends, all these images are memories, memories that aches, because you dont have this happiness anymore in life.

My point is that, I am not going against love or anything, me myself am in love with many people be in family or friends. Then again thinking about the fact that it does last hurts to the very core, but that doesn't make me less the important people less.

I am certain I am not degrading anyone that in love, honestly I am happy that you are, because not everyone is lucky to be in love. And there are handful of people who gives me hope to fall in love, I think. One day maybe.

Right now, it just desires that need to be fulfilled and I'll be good.

ashwi.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Happy Birthday, ex lover.


I started dating, or I would say that I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. Yup as young as that. And he was 17. And yup we fell in love, out of love, in love again and it was an on off thing for almost 4 years. We knew that we needed each other but the point was we couldn't stand each other. 

When I was 18, and he was 20 we decided that we had to let go of each other, but we realize everything we've gone through would be a waste if we didn't try at least a little to save this relationship. 

And honestly we did. We did make it up because we started off bestfriends really young and no matter what happened, even the bits where we fell in love and fell out of love, the relationship we had for that four amazing years was worth saving. 

This year marks the 6th year of our friendship, six years of fights and loves and problems and arguments. Heck, it was worth it. And he is turning 23 tomorrow. My ex, my bestfriend, my friend, my first love, the guy that was there for me most of the time. 
Its his birthday tomorrow and I would like to wish him Happy Birthday and thank you for always being there. 

You see they say that you can be friends, after falling out of love, with you ex. But I did it. Till this very moment we are friends and we love each other dearly. We love each other too much to let go of what we had. He was the only guy that saw me grow up, till who I am today. He knows me too well. 

My point is I believe that lovers can be friends, and you need to be lucky to have this special relationship. And to be lucky, you just have to put your mind to it and have the intention wanting your ex to be your friend. :)

Monday, December 10, 2012

perfect night.

Honestly, I ran behind him like a puppy dog within a week. 
The smile I had knowing he is still there with me. NOTHING BEATS THAT.

Okays, so I met him after one week, and honestly his face was kinda blur in my mind, but when I saw him. I was really happy. I spent solid 4 hours, which made up to the whole week. And I couldn't telling the world how perfect was last night. And how everything ended was just amazing. For me. 

When I say perfect way to end the night. I believe that 49% of the world thinks that I actually had sex.
Honestly, it wasn't sex. 

It was perfect because, I got to be with him. Till he finished. And what was more perfect is he walked me to my car. From the location to the lift. In the lift till my car. When we reached at my car. I got a really tight hug. A kiss on my forehead. And "drive safe" and he left. 

For me, last night was perfect. 
Not those hot make out sessions we have. 
Just last night. Made me realize, how much this person actually means to me. 
He definitely made me feel special. 
Right now, nothing can beat that.