back up.

So last night i was watching this movie.
The Back-Up Plan .

and i realize that the movie is somewhat true.
despite when i first hear the title i thought it was acted by Dwayne Johnson. But actually it was JLo and another cute guy.

The main plot of the story is that she wanted to start a family but she just couldn't find 'the one'. and she wanted to be pregnant because she knew her grandma was not gonna be with her forever and thus she went of being pregnant with the help of a sperm donor and the single mothers club.

While trying to be pregnant, she met this part time student Stan, who she instantly fell in love with and he was deeply in love with her that he made the choice to leave school and bring up his cheese business so that he will be able to fund both her kids as she was having twins.

And she put every single word of his into consideration. this is because its never easy to gain her trust and that why till now she was not in a relationship as she believed that the hasn't find 'the one' yet.

i realize that i was going through what she was with the fact that i haven't found 'the one' yet. okay some may think I'm still you to even think about it. i definitely think about the future a lot and i think it will never be a easy process for me to find 'the one' for me. because i don't trust people easily. i really don't. doesn't mean I'm super nice to you means i trust you. I'm just being a friend. and i just don't trust people.

i know I've been repeating about trust a lot. I'm aware. i realizing more and more day by day, how much trust is important for me to have any relationship including friendship.

wondering how is this even related.

her Nana in the said that she just don't trust anyone in the world thus she is not opening her self to any guys so that she could find 'the one' for her. i think its just super practical that i just not trust anyone to open up to except my friends. geeh I'm such a troublesome at times that i can't bare with my ownself.

i really hope that one day i will take the initiative to open up myself and trust someone that genuine prove who they really are. i just wish that i would. i didnt know that trust would be such a big issue for a kid like me. i realize there are people who get betrayed so easily and I'm really its really hard to gain my trust.

and I'm sorry that i don't trust you and I've already told myself,

once you were a choice,
now you never a choice at all
I'm sorry that i changed
i think I'm better off like this
without you.
i just hope you're happy with what you have
and no matter what there are someone better
definitely,
so please don't hang and wait for me because
I've changed my mind that now 
i wish i never knew you.
as I'm not a bad person,
im gonna be only a good friend to you.
even if you gain my trust, 
i don't think things would be like how it was before.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a last time
- Celine Dion

but its my choice to hurt myself and let go to not hurt myself again.

still proving it to myself.

trust

Do that,
Do this,

Why would I wanna do it.

Have you ever been in this situation where your friends ask you something that you dont wanna do ?

Ive been talking this one really old friend of mine. I knew him when i was 14 and sadly he was someone in my life once. someone that i planned my future with. okay no flashback as it hurts

so we have started communicating again. after a year. we had this on and off thing where we have a really huge argument and realize that we tend to not talk to each other for like a year and then talk again. ah this has been going on for the pass 6 years, oh yes, started when i was 13 ish 14.

last night i was talking to him and he realized that i changed alot and i am more secretive now. he pretty much feel very offended that i dont tell him my secrets anymore as its never easy for me to trust anyone except rhys and kishya and mum.

so when he ask me stuff like why im not happy and i tend to just ignore it and one day i told him that

people change
and i changed in many ways.
nothing that i can be proud off.
nothing i do that i can actually tell you
because it will definitely be like putting me down.

since i told him this line he was like what is your secret. why you not telling me. you use to share everything with me.
i was pretty or i would say very angry and annoyed that he asking me to do something that i dont wanna do.
its just that trust i have. i just dont trust him like how i use too because this pass 6 years, the times he left me hanging. and knowing me. its never easy for me to just trust someone. you have to gain it if you want me to trust you. ahh i know to much to ask .

so last night he called and the bugging continued. am i was really annoyed this time and i asked one simple question .

If your good friend were to ask you to do something that you would not do. would you still do it because he is your friend.

His answer was. I have gone through good times and bad times with my friends. good times was pretty normal, but when i had gone through the bad phase, i realize that i have friends who would cry for me and make sure that i am alright. and so if they were to ask me to do something that i dont like doing. i would definitely do it to make my friend happy.

My explanation was, Well i do have goos friends who i believe that will be there for me no matter what happens. Same good times or bad times. a phone call is all it takes for me to meet them. and i may not have 20 good friends like you. i have only two and they are very special to me and someone i will definitely never want to lose. And there are many reason for them to be my good friend. because they know about me more that i sometimes know about myself. and i believe that they will never even consider asking me to do something that they know i wont do. and that the difference between you bunch of friends and my amazing two soul.

And after telling him this. he realize how all their actions when i was younger affected me now.

And its not about having millions of friends. you can just have that one person that you know will be there for you when you need a shoulder.

brown black.

Have you ever felt weird or even bad when you sit in a corner enjoying just about anything and right about time someone comes and sit infront of you and then you realize they start yapping in their language?

Im not sure how you would feel but to me, being super insecure, i always feel that they are talking about me. you know being the loner is fun but at times when you get yapped at, all you wanna do is like proving to them how much friends you actualy have.

assumptions kills. but if you were the only three there and theres this one random person sits right opposite you and start talking on their own language, wont you feel insecure. I am not telling that i always feel like they are talking about me. but its just that its super weird.

Come on. i do know boys gossip too. But 20 years of leaving i wouldnt be that dumb not knowing who talks about me and who doesnt. and more over talking with a language that i dont understand at all.

i just feel is bloody racist. okay not bloody. i just feel its racist. i dont know why. that sometimes its just that people cant accept a person as they are. everything is seen under a microscope. or your white your this. if your black your that. come one. its seriously not going bring you anywhere. but shallower. Accepting a person as they are is like appreciating God creations. no one wants to be ugly. no would know they are. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And i think there is definitely no point for you to put a person down based on their physical. think how if someone did that to you. There is always a good side and bad side to a person. Like this girl, she might be a total bitch when it comes to boys but then a total sweetheart when it comes to animals. Come on, she deserves the credit to be such a kind soul to animals.

instead of yapping about the negative side of a person. i believe its much better if you were able to see all the beautiful thing in a person. You live this life once and make it count. Dont make others hate you. or even talk something about you that is not worth talking about.

You attitude is other people impressions and gaining a good name in this life definitely carves that smile on your face when you old. ORR you gonna just be alone and sad when you grow old. Dont you wanna have all those people your with you now when your old.

Maybe yeah now they are by you side yapping with you but trust me when they grow older they will definitely learn and change to be a better person. even you. but maybe you wont if you never change yourself starting from this moment onwards.

brainy heart

Theres so much i was thinking to write about but my brains are blank.
Oh wait, uni is starting tomorrow. second semester.please be nice. like normally how you use to treat me. just tomorrow onwards a little nicer.

I realize that i tend to always assume things are better sooner but when reality hits me i realize its either the same or the worst. i dont think its wrong to just have a little faith to hope things get better. (:

brains and heart.
these two plays an important role in out system including our emotions. there this two that is considered as the most used organ when we are emotionally attached to something. All this while its either you have been just listening to you little heart or listening to your almighty brains.

I've been always telling myself that i dont want to be in a relationship. and there are times relationship and falling more and more in love and having someone to have alate night conversation is all i want. i also realize that during the day is when i tell myself that i can deal with the fact that im single and when then moon comes out i just wish i could just call a guy a just talk and talk and i wish i was in a relationship with him.

now i realize that my brains works perfectly in the morning and during the night my brains completesly shuts down and the only thing i listen to is my heart. this is went i feel so miserable.

i am now having arguments with myself alot. its like my hearts wants it and my brains doesnt. I wanna totally listen to my brain but my heart doesnt allow it at all. i feel pretty much screwed. i know that i can be so much better without being in a relationship. BUT sigh the heart just dont listen .

I know a friend of mine that misses being in a relationship because she knows what she wants and she knows that relationship would totally make her feel better and for me i know its not a good thing having a relationship in this period of time as i have many other priorities to look at and to achieve.

sitting in between the heart and brain is not cool. maybe now its time for me to actually choose its either the brain or heart. irony much. in life we have choose one. we cant have two.

I’m a mind person I usually follow my mind ,but sometimes my heart wins the battle.

Needs.

I tend to talk a lot when I'm alone. Especially when I'm driving. Because its just me my car and my music. And i tend to drive around a lot. So I always have my me moments when im driving. So as usual was going to the gym and I realize about this particular person that I know. Well the think about her is that when she is annoyed or angry she tend to just leave. For instant. You stay with grandma. It's just you and your grandma. And when you have an argument with your grandma. You tend to leave her to stay on her own. Im just wondering is this a way of you getting away or Just not caring for the ones that believes they need you. I know all of us have anger. Lucky for me that I hardly get angry. I'm not telling that I don't get angry. What I mean is that its really super hard for me to just get angry for the tiniest silliest thing ever. Like having an argument with someone and I believe that this is just part of life where someone agrees and another doesn't. Even if I were really pist at someone. I believe that within hours it will ease. How long could you ever be angry at someone. I think that everyone makes mistakes and I think forgiving wont kill you and I'm not asking to even forget how much that situation hurt you. If to this person you genuine mean something to them they would consider to forgive and I wouldn't say forget unless that certain person put effort to gain you trust towards them. Mistakes are done. People get hurt but that doesn't mean you need to just be like "oh, I'm perfect. I'm not gonna forgive anyone" attitude. Forgiving and moving on is part of life. Without this I bet youll be super super lonely. And being lonely can at times be a good thing but other times I don't think it's good. Think about it. You have this arguement with your grandma and let's say you left home and me being this person who believes that anything can happen anytime. What if you didn't get the chance to see you grandma again. This is definitely gonna hunt you for the rest of your life. Moreover I believe that family definitely comes first. Well I do have friends that I love as friends that I love them as much as I love my family. But that doesn't mean that since your friends with the whole world and they are all someone that you should trust. You see we have friends everywhere but that doesn't mean all of them means they same and have the same spot in your heart. There will definitely be a rotten egg somewhere. Somehow. Don't hut let go a person because of one mistake they've done to you. Who knows. they hurt you. They might also be that person you need to help you through. (:

Insecure

I've never left. I do check this scribbles of mine. It's just that when realize that people just put what ever noted down here under a microscope. I pretty much feel insecure that people care so much about what i through. I just feel that its my wish what I wanna do and live this life the way I want. That is what I always believed in. I don't want anyone coming making me feel so insecure Insecure. That's how I've been feeling always. About everything. I feel insecure when I speak to a person. I feel insecure that at time with everything I do. People think its not good enough. Definitely feel insecure about my body. Insecure about meeting new people. Then I realize I even feel insecure of taking someone picture. Too much to handle is what I call it right now. My insecureness level is like 99 right now. But I still pretend that I'm okay with everything but deep Down it kills. I know I can't feel like this forever. I even feel very insecure when I'm training with my trainer. And he is like my best friend. I don't know why I feel so insecure when I see him. Is it cause everything I have for him or is it just the fact that he cares so much for me and I feel that I can't be what he wants and I'm gonna disappoint him if I can't see results in losing weight. Or is it that he touched my heart with the fact that he cares so much. Caring too much can sometimes be a good thing and a bad thing. The bad thing for caring too much has a another word, stalking. So yeah. I know who stalks me and who doesn't and who genuinely care. The fact that my ex stalks me throughy friends Facebook profile make him conclude that he just care a lot for me and he wants to know how am I. So he stalks me. And the fact that my trainer cares too much is cause he wants me to get what I want and be healthy and be the person I always wanted to be. Irony. I know. An I have this really mixed up feeling cause they car so much. Winnie the Pooh once said Some people sometimes care too much, I think it's called Love

pressured.

Im feeling so much relived last friday . but today i feel like people are so irresponsible. its okay if you wanna flunk but i don't think i wanna flunk, I've been setting up so high but now, the group work is literally bringing everything down. Im just gonna put all this crap behind my back and try to ace my finals. like seriously, prove to some of them including my  classmates.

 i would safely say that we are all friends in class, but definitely we compete with each other silently. well i don't know. i feel that we do.
anyways, moving forward, I'm gonna just like i say put this crap behind me.

And i know i have been ignoring my blog for as long as i can think. Internet at home is down and i told mum that she shouldn't fix it and she should do it after my finals are done. And she happily agree to this statement . for the first time.

There so much to talk about but i don't know where to start. I can't really sum up everything i did this whole time. theres like 2 weeks of information.

 Gahh, thats like ALOT. so yeah. I'm just gonna not talk about everything that has happened. only gonna talk about what is gonna happen when the finals are over.

 sorry to everyone that i ignored this pass few days, and the one that ignore me, ahh, thanks. i know you still love me. :)

Have a great week. and pray for me to ace my finals man. :)