Why torture yourself.?

I am just so angry at my friend right now.
Beware! This is a rant post. You can stop reading now or read if you think you can handle me.

I remember once when my best friend told us that he just wished, he didn't grew old. Well, at that point I was really mad at him, for being so foolish at such a young age, wanting to not live till the very end. I was so angry at him, that after all the effort I put to make him feel better day and night seemed so worthless. I was so angry at him, for making me feel like a failure. A failure that I couldn't make my best friend feel so much better after his heart was broken. I realize that we all managed to talked sense into his head and now he is in good shape and smart enough to know what he can handle and what he can't.

I feel like I am going through the whole situation over again, with another friend of mine. (What is this with my friends. Gosh). How could you be so naive about everything. Why do you get yourself into something that you know you can't handle. Why do you make me feel like an horrible friend. Why the fuck you don't know that this is too much for you, and everyone around you. For your parents. FOR ME?! Like why are you being like this. I really wanna be there for you. Help you through this situation even though I don't agree to it. I am making an effort to make sure you are alright, but you are not giving me a fucking chance. To make things better for you because I love you too much that I don't want you to be in this situation. Why aren't you giving me chance to be there for you, to make your days better, so that you don't feel miserable?

Being in a relationship is suppose to make us happy most of the time, that when the person is not around, you suppose to be alright, not all caught up and feel it like a burden if your significant other is not right beside you. No matter, how far you guys are, you should be feeling happy and not crappy. Okay maybe you can tell me that I don't know how it feels to be in a relationship, because I never had a serious one, but I know how is it like, because seeing everyone me makes me learn so much more. And seeing this, how miserable you are makes me more afraid of being in a committed relationship. Why do you make such beautiful thing so hard on yourself. What is that about this, that you have to torture yourself. Sleepless night, and having a conversation and seeing this person you love once in a blue moon. Like really. Why are you missing out on what teenagers do? Why are you torturing yourself and your significant other.

You know, not everyone can go to the moon, and thats the thing you have to understand.

Doesn't mean another person can do it, you can too. You know where you stand. And why just torture yourself. Seriously .

Why.?


xx

Dear A.

I've always imagined that when I do my degree, its not gonna be stressful and I'm gonna be on this smooth sailing both to achieve my dreams, instead of always being in the rush like when I was in my foundation year. Today I realize that I was wrong. I should have actually paid attention to all the rant Rhys did about how much he hated Monash and how stressful it can be. I dont hate Monash. I just find it so unfair. I have assignments and test for two different subject on the same day. You left me so free for the past 4 weeks and suddenly I feel like I dont have time anymore. Ive been sitting her almost 12 hours already today because I feel like theres so much to do and I dont have enough time to complete it before the due date. I'm so backdated with studying, the lecturer is in chapter 7 and i just completed chapter 4. Okay slacking is what I do, but I dont remember slacking this much in life. I need to get my shit done ASAP. Period.

I miss him. Really alot, I tend to push him aside because of uni and I tend to not go to the gym because I just really want those twp High Distinctions. Really . There's nothing else I want more right now. The last thing I wanna do is repeat during Summer School.

Dear A,
I miss you so much and I am sorry for not being there for you like how you have always been there for me. I guess this is the begining about how we are gonna be when I leave to Aussie. Its scary. Really scared to lose you but I guess I just dont have a choice do I. I feel that its the best for us and I dont know why you dont feel the same.

I promise Ill make it up to you soon.

Love,
A

LGBT.

Monash.
Well I always knew going in Monash would be a torture, but I was embracing myself during the period of time that I was in Taylors that Monash will definitely be much much better than Taylors. No offense. Taylors, you are just too fucking crowded.
Monash, it is crowded too I admit, but just that it looks more serene. More shades and I AM IN LOVE WITH THE LIBRARY. I can always study here. More than enough plug points and yeah, well mannered internet connection for a university..
Other than that, studying is hard. I mean studying is hard anywhere. But doing a core subject that I don't have any background in is amazingly hard I realize. But mum has agreed upon getting me a tutor. So mean while, let me just rant on twitter about how I am struggling yet studying.





_____________________________


So right now, this very moment, I realize the the MOE came out with the guidelines for parents to know whether their kids are gay/lesbian or not.

I find this ridiculous, that now, every straight person who wears a bright color clothes is gay and every guy who wears V-neck shirts are gay too.

Moreover, they have also achieved in creating a rather judgmental society as the "kuno" community now knows to judge someone way better and effective. Is this what we want our society to be. Judge everyone for every single thing they do.

I still don't understand how does the LGBT community harm the straight ones. Like what do they do that affects you so so bad that you want to go against them and you know protest.

So you say God doesn't agree to one being not straight. You say they didn't follow the path God wanted them to follow in life.

Well maybe you should think. You know in this world, being nice and being kind and being good, doesn't assure you to be treated the way you treated other. We live, we surround ourselves with multiple different characters that you don't know. You have no idea how they would treat you back.

There's no any point for you to judge someone. As you believe they are sinning by not following the commandment and you are sinning to, to judge someone. To judge and say all the hurtful things to someone. Just because of what ? You being straight.

Today, we have evolved. In many ways, and this is part of life, to evolve. As an individual. We all live with the same common interest, that is to make you life worth living, and in order for you to do that, you gotta be happy. And being themselves, like that, the person you judge constantly makes them happy.

I find it fucking not fair that us, the straight ones are so happy with the way we are but we never give a chance for them to be happy just because they are not straight.

Think about it, think what if someone you loved so much, changes their path in life to be happy. Are you just gonna let them go. Because they are not straight.

Being a LGBT is not an issue at all today. Maybe you should go see other places. That how much they respects one of them.  Its not an issues that you shouldn't take you time or waste it coming up with #symptomsofbeinggay nonsense because as far as we all know, its not a sickness.

single

I wanna know what it is like on the inside of love.
Nada Surf, Inside of Love.


I find it really frustrating when someone constantly asks me, whether I am in a relationship or not. It makes me feel so umm, annoyed because I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Yes, I am not. And I can't be with the guy I adore because, I am very afraid that I would lose him and I can't bare the thought of losing someone. Not him. Because he has always been there for me. I have let go of people, because I am afraid of losing them. I am afraid of being in a relationship.

I wanna be with someone who tells me that he wants to be with me, because I know he really does like me because he came up to me. Blame me for having so much trust issues. I know this is something I should work on, but then again, I know it takes time.

I really hope people would stop asking me. Just wait for me to change my status on Facebook or something. :)

xx

backgrounds.

This past few days, I was having conversation with my friends that is worth keeping. Like they have changed my perspective about so many things in life. Two nights ago, after Rhys's performance at Saints, we headed to have supper. So it was Me, Rhys, Kyle & Tuck. :) 

Tuck has always been this guys that asks stupid questions, well for me but the other night it was like something about dating a high maintenance girl. Me being the only girl there, was like "Wow, this is something boys consider when they want to date someone" 

Its nice to know what they actually think when they decide to date someone. Randomly, I was like I don't think I am high maintenance. I really don't think so. I don't go out spending money on facials, manicure, pedicure, hair, make up, dye. Nothing really. I only spend on clothes and shoes. Because for clothes makes me super happy. Being able to dress up makes me get my self confidence, that I feel good, that I look good. And I'm sure that Kyle felt the same too because, Kyle is really fashion forward. For a guy, I think guys who pays attention to what he wears have this extra quality. That they are organized, neat and yeah, they wanna look presentable. I totally understand how Kyle felt. 

And there is Rhys and Tuck, who are normal, you know. They don't pay attention to what the wear as long as they wear something. And they don't spend money on clothes. Because for them, its just clothes. Like they don't go out and shop. And I totally get them too. Like, I understand that they have something better to do. Like for Rhys, singing and Tuck, stand up comedy. They spend money on computer games. Its normal for boys. And not all of us are the same. We are all from different background, where in my house, you have to look good and presentable. You should never dress up skimpily and go out skimpily. And for me it's normal because I am a girl. As parents, it important for us to portray good image for them and me coming from a famous background. As it is for Kyle. He has like 3 sister. And girls, its normal for them to be so conscious about what they wear and that is why Kyle would spend so much money on clothes. For example, my brother, he is only 8 this year. And my mum shops for him till the extend of going out for a week just because he wants a specific white belt. And this is because both his sisters are fashion forward. And my dad. He also dresses up when he goes out. And I don't blame my little brother for being so high maintenance. Because, he plays the rich man sport, golf. And this is the nature. 

And the end of the day, everything comes back to our childhood. How we have evolved to this person we are today. And this are the qualities that we take with us.

 For me, my parents have always told me, that money is not everything. What matters is the ones that loves you. And would be there for you because money certainly doesn't. And my dad, would never ditch his family to go out make money. If it is planed to stay at home for family dinner that we have every week since we all don't stay together, not one plan would make him cancel the family dinner. 

How we have brought up till today defines the path that we will walk when we grow older. And as it is for all of us, we come from different background and that makes us what we are today. And it amazing that how all of us, can be so close, no matter how we were brought up. Like me and Rhys, really different but ey, we bond so well. Or Rhys and Tuck. 

This is life and its a part of life to meet different people. 

xx.

note to self.

That feeling when your mind is just filled with so many things and you a blank sheet of paper in front of you, and you don't know where to start. 

That feeling, is just chaotic. really.

---------------

Being a deep thinker, is never a good thing, that we tend to just over analyze everything in detail and put the burden within you. Then you are the person, who doesn't let things out easily. You keep it within you and it slowly eats you inside. And one fine, you explode and hurt someone so badly because you have kept the, lets say 10 days misery and you can't take it no more. You explode, everything that you kept, you let it out to the one you love, and we don't realize how much it hurts to a person. 

I've never done things in life, with the interest of hurting the person. Not that I know off but I realize that I do. I keep quiet to many things that happens with me, that when someone hurt me, I keep it to myself and I don't tell it out because I don't wanna hurt them, but one day, when the sun is not on the right side, there I am, exploding of how much everything that they did have effected me, and I don't realize that at the point, I am actually hurting my loved ones. With the intention in the beginning to care and finally hurting they way more worse that hurting/telling off in the beginning itself.

I admit, that I am the problem. I am this person, that I forgive everything very easily but I don forget it. I don't keep grudge towards you about how much you have put me through but I never let it go. 

But,

What is forgiving without letting go?

We always say forgiving is one a forgetting is another, thinking again. Not letting go of it, keeping it all, it makes no justice to forgiving. 

I've pushed so many people away from my life, after forgiving them with whatever they did to me. I pushed them away because I don't want to go through the pain again. And I don't know how to make myself feel better being around them knowing that I loved them so much and did everything I could to make them happy and this I what I got back in return. Holding this feeling of resentment, take all the happiness away from life. Not forgetting what has happened definitely makes me dwell in the past time after time and not moving forward since the memories comes back that I don't feel like letting go because it thought me a lesson in life. But, I need to let go, to ensure that I can move on and not dwell in the past.

Talking is essential in making things better. I know that I should cut of my communication with a person that has done so much. I can't force someone to talk to me now, but definitely I will wanna make it up and tell them that, I am sorry that it took me so long to let go fully. I am gonna tell it to them and close this ones for all because right now, I would do anything, to get back my happiness because O need it. Life is too short to just be in this feeling forever. 

I should know that no matter what, everyone is human. Everyone makes mistake. Everyone wants to be a better person. Everyone is in the process of being better person that yesterday. That even they are learning to be someone better just like me. I should let go of it because we are all in this together and students. No matter how old you are, there always something life would wanna teach us. Until the last breathe. And I am not perfect either, that I can't accept the fact that others made mistakes. I don't think that someone would ever wanna hurt you intentionally. Okay maybe there are. But I don't think the people that I cared for would want to do that to me. 

Most of all, I need time. Time to heal. It already two years, I don't know how long more it would take. Maybe another 2 or 3 years. I am not gonna force myself to heal, I really want to let it go completely slowly and without rushing into it and later realizing that I didn't actually let go. I have all the time in the world, to be a better person and to move on, I have all the time, to do good and pray and be that genuine forgiving person. And I believe that one day, I will let go of all of this, because I know that I will find happiness within myself and all this would just slip away because I am too content.

Things to do 

i) Forget what happened

ii) Open up, for others to apologize

iii) Communicate with yourself and the other.

iv) Realize that everyone makes mistakes. 

v) Let time does its magic. 

ashwi.

.

I feel blessed for today. Really blessed.

I really forgot how it felt to pray. to bring my self nearer to God,

And I've not been paying attention to nature. The moon was gorgeous tonight.

I was sad to know that when I was nine, the only thing mattered was Marshmallows.


Thats all I feel like saying.

a.