That feeling, is just chaotic. really.
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Being a deep thinker, is never a good thing, that we tend to just over analyze everything in detail and put the burden within you. Then you are the person, who doesn't let things out easily. You keep it within you and it slowly eats you inside. And one fine, you explode and hurt someone so badly because you have kept the, lets say 10 days misery and you can't take it no more. You explode, everything that you kept, you let it out to the one you love, and we don't realize how much it hurts to a person.
I've never done things in life, with the interest of hurting the person. Not that I know off but I realize that I do. I keep quiet to many things that happens with me, that when someone hurt me, I keep it to myself and I don't tell it out because I don't wanna hurt them, but one day, when the sun is not on the right side, there I am, exploding of how much everything that they did have effected me, and I don't realize that at the point, I am actually hurting my loved ones. With the intention in the beginning to care and finally hurting they way more worse that hurting/telling off in the beginning itself.
I admit, that I am the problem. I am this person, that I forgive everything very easily but I don forget it. I don't keep grudge towards you about how much you have put me through but I never let it go.
But,
What is forgiving without letting go?
We always say forgiving is one a forgetting is another, thinking again. Not letting go of it, keeping it all, it makes no justice to forgiving.
I've pushed so many people away from my life, after forgiving them with whatever they did to me. I pushed them away because I don't want to go through the pain again. And I don't know how to make myself feel better being around them knowing that I loved them so much and did everything I could to make them happy and this I what I got back in return. Holding this feeling of resentment, take all the happiness away from life. Not forgetting what has happened definitely makes me dwell in the past time after time and not moving forward since the memories comes back that I don't feel like letting go because it thought me a lesson in life. But, I need to let go, to ensure that I can move on and not dwell in the past.
Talking is essential in making things better. I know that I should cut of my communication with a person that has done so much. I can't force someone to talk to me now, but definitely I will wanna make it up and tell them that, I am sorry that it took me so long to let go fully. I am gonna tell it to them and close this ones for all because right now, I would do anything, to get back my happiness because O need it. Life is too short to just be in this feeling forever.
I should know that no matter what, everyone is human. Everyone makes mistake. Everyone wants to be a better person. Everyone is in the process of being better person that yesterday. That even they are learning to be someone better just like me. I should let go of it because we are all in this together and students. No matter how old you are, there always something life would wanna teach us. Until the last breathe. And I am not perfect either, that I can't accept the fact that others made mistakes. I don't think that someone would ever wanna hurt you intentionally. Okay maybe there are. But I don't think the people that I cared for would want to do that to me.
Most of all, I need time. Time to heal. It already two years, I don't know how long more it would take. Maybe another 2 or 3 years. I am not gonna force myself to heal, I really want to let it go completely slowly and without rushing into it and later realizing that I didn't actually let go. I have all the time in the world, to be a better person and to move on, I have all the time, to do good and pray and be that genuine forgiving person. And I believe that one day, I will let go of all of this, because I know that I will find happiness within myself and all this would just slip away because I am too content.
Things to do
i) Forget what happened
ii) Open up, for others to apologize
iii) Communicate with yourself and the other.
iv) Realize that everyone makes mistakes.
v) Let time does its magic.
ashwi.
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