Tuesday, February 28, 2012

reserve


this has bugging me since sunday.. i was but i tried putting it aside until today when i went to see my mum. and i realize that she has been hiding so much from me because she knows that i don't handle things well. i realize how annoyed i got and then i realize

hey, i do the same thing too. like be so secretive even to the person i trust the most, like mum.

I've been thinking that why am i so bloody secretive, its not like whatever happens to me is like a million dollar news or anything, is it the feeling that i don't wanna tell it to anyone or is it just me not trusting anyone or me assuming that the world doesn't care. 

Well i think its a mixture of everything. and trust, gehh i wouldn't even have the thought to tell you anything if i don't have that trust in you. leaving this aside, 

I wonder why i don't have that thing to share. 
when i think about it, i realize that, i tend to not share because I'm afraid of being judged. or being mislead of what I'm doing or even i think that you don't care about it. because all this while, everything that people has done to me was kick me around the field like i am this football. until a year ago when i knew who was there for me.

and for the pass 4-5 years, being treated like an carpet, where I'm just walked on, and not really care, i tend to keep everything just to not get hurt with how people react with i go through. and thus secretive is one of my traits. its a part  of me. 

opening up is not easy. it takes time. even to my best friends. i don't really tell things to them. because its just that being really pulled down, i just rather keep it. even if its a good thing. 

maybe i think being secretive is good, but reality is that, it eventually scrapes me inside that i keep thinking about it and soon enough, emotions fail to keep up. 
i tend to be happy about it for a few seconds and get over it and continue dwelling in the darkness.

and i'm sorry for being like this. i promise you ill open up to you. I promise. 
I'm trying to change. its just I'm taking a longer time that others.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Family.

Family. 

yesterday i emailed my aunt who stays in Vegas. she got married to an american and she settled there. i use to communicate her by emailing her at least twice a week. and at one point, i just wasn't in the mood to reply to her mails. and eventually she stopped emailing me. 

and i just let it pass by without even replying anything. as she tried communicating with me via Facebook as well. and it struck me the other day with the fact that life is just gonna pass me by. i better make a good use of it. Thanks to my brother who is growing up so so fast that I'm just not being there with him.

in a blink he is just gonna get married.

thats when it hit me the importance of family. 
well to me, it has always been this . family.friends.studies.then relationship and all that shit. 
so family. its always first. i don't know what i will be doing today if my mum left me.


and i promise myself to make a thing to talk to everyone even if i don't favor them because at the end of the day, they are still your family. no matter what its family. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

help,responsibilities.

I met a friend last night. Ahh a good friend of mine.
Well he was frustrated that he had to do a lot of things that he does which is not happy doing it and thus he seemed pretty annoyed about.

I realize that people tend to depend on him too much and look up to him and i believe that he makes him very unhappy because he know what he does is not something anyone should look up too. Thats what he thinks but however we cannot just change peoples perspective towards him. thus he is pretty much helpless. And one thing i realize about him is that he tend to say 'no' even before trying it and he say he tried everything to do everything willingly and then i realize, he actually tried but it just doesn't work.

As usual, I was driving home after meeting him and i was just thinking. why at times, its just so hard to difficult to do something willingly. Well its different based on how you look at it.

I was thinking why we don't do something that we are told willingly. Is it because of laziness.? Umm i think its not. Ignore me if I'm wrong but this is what i think.

We tend to not do what we are told too because we realize that we are just doing without getting anything back. we realize that we don't gain anything out of it. If you were born as a self centered person, i believe this is why we tend to not do it because we realize that we are not gaining anything out of it.

If we were to offer 10 bucks every time we go to the post office for someone. we tend to actually do it because we know we are gaining something out of it. come on 10 bucks for every time i go to the bank for the bank. i would totally call my mum everyday to ask her if i had to go to the bank every single day.

Well, its not only that, its the environment we live in. I am 20 years old. and when you know your twenty, we see that everyone in my age group tend to have fun and go wild and screw up and make mistake and basically just live life. and then again, your this twenty years old who has commitments, responsibilities. where screwing up maybe involve the matter of life and death. and we tend to think that we are suppose to have fun and because of this we literally feel old

i know no one wants to feel old.

Well this happens to me also, that sometimes, i just ignore calls from my mum. because i just feel so frustrated with the fact that i have to do things for her. but most of the time i do, because i know that my mum is really really busy and she needs help and i have a younger brother who only plays and an elder sister who has a own life to take care off. So i tend to help my mum because i know she needs help and it reduces her burden.

my mentality is : off all she did for me, making me who i am today. this is the least i could do to repay her.

but then sometimes i get annoyed myself.

we are just growing up and we wanna have fun. and not responsibilities. eventually we will know which comes first and which comes last. :) now just do what you feel like doing. even if its screwing up.



Monday, February 13, 2012

back up.

So last night i was watching this movie.
The Back-Up Plan .

and i realize that the movie is somewhat true.
despite when i first hear the title i thought it was acted by Dwayne Johnson. But actually it was JLo and another cute guy.

The main plot of the story is that she wanted to start a family but she just couldn't find 'the one'. and she wanted to be pregnant because she knew her grandma was not gonna be with her forever and thus she went of being pregnant with the help of a sperm donor and the single mothers club.

While trying to be pregnant, she met this part time student Stan, who she instantly fell in love with and he was deeply in love with her that he made the choice to leave school and bring up his cheese business so that he will be able to fund both her kids as she was having twins.

And she put every single word of his into consideration. this is because its never easy to gain her trust and that why till now she was not in a relationship as she believed that the hasn't find 'the one' yet.

i realize that i was going through what she was with the fact that i haven't found 'the one' yet. okay some may think I'm still you to even think about it. i definitely think about the future a lot and i think it will never be a easy process for me to find 'the one' for me. because i don't trust people easily. i really don't. doesn't mean I'm super nice to you means i trust you. I'm just being a friend. and i just don't trust people.

i know I've been repeating about trust a lot. I'm aware. i realizing more and more day by day, how much trust is important for me to have any relationship including friendship.

wondering how is this even related.

her Nana in the said that she just don't trust anyone in the world thus she is not opening her self to any guys so that she could find 'the one' for her. i think its just super practical that i just not trust anyone to open up to except my friends. geeh I'm such a troublesome at times that i can't bare with my ownself.

i really hope that one day i will take the initiative to open up myself and trust someone that genuine prove who they really are. i just wish that i would. i didnt know that trust would be such a big issue for a kid like me. i realize there are people who get betrayed so easily and I'm really its really hard to gain my trust.

and I'm sorry that i don't trust you and I've already told myself,

once you were a choice,
now you never a choice at all
I'm sorry that i changed
i think I'm better off like this
without you.
i just hope you're happy with what you have
and no matter what there are someone better
definitely,
so please don't hang and wait for me because
I've changed my mind that now 
i wish i never knew you.
as I'm not a bad person,
im gonna be only a good friend to you.
even if you gain my trust, 
i don't think things would be like how it was before.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a last time
- Celine Dion

but its my choice to hurt myself and let go to not hurt myself again.

still proving it to myself.



Friday, February 10, 2012

trust

Do that,
Do this,

Why would I wanna do it.

Have you ever been in this situation where your friends ask you something that you dont wanna do ?

Ive been talking this one really old friend of mine. I knew him when i was 14 and sadly he was someone in my life once. someone that i planned my future with. okay no flashback as it hurts

so we have started communicating again. after a year. we had this on and off thing where we have a really huge argument and realize that we tend to not talk to each other for like a year and then talk again. ah this has been going on for the pass 6 years, oh yes, started when i was 13 ish 14.

last night i was talking to him and he realized that i changed alot and i am more secretive now. he pretty much feel very offended that i dont tell him my secrets anymore as its never easy for me to trust anyone except rhys and kishya and mum.

so when he ask me stuff like why im not happy and i tend to just ignore it and one day i told him that

people change
and i changed in many ways.
nothing that i can be proud off.
nothing i do that i can actually tell you
because it will definitely be like putting me down.

since i told him this line he was like what is your secret. why you not telling me. you use to share everything with me.
i was pretty or i would say very angry and annoyed that he asking me to do something that i dont wanna do.
its just that trust i have. i just dont trust him like how i use too because this pass 6 years, the times he left me hanging. and knowing me. its never easy for me to just trust someone. you have to gain it if you want me to trust you. ahh i know to much to ask .

so last night he called and the bugging continued. am i was really annoyed this time and i asked one simple question .

If your good friend were to ask you to do something that you would not do. would you still do it because he is your friend.

His answer was. I have gone through good times and bad times with my friends. good times was pretty normal, but when i had gone through the bad phase, i realize that i have friends who would cry for me and make sure that i am alright. and so if they were to ask me to do something that i dont like doing. i would definitely do it to make my friend happy.

My explanation was, Well i do have goos friends who i believe that will be there for me no matter what happens. Same good times or bad times. a phone call is all it takes for me to meet them. and i may not have 20 good friends like you. i have only two and they are very special to me and someone i will definitely never want to lose. And there are many reason for them to be my good friend. because they know about me more that i sometimes know about myself. and i believe that they will never even consider asking me to do something that they know i wont do. and that the difference between you bunch of friends and my amazing two soul.

And after telling him this. he realize how all their actions when i was younger affected me now.

And its not about having millions of friends. you can just have that one person that you know will be there for you when you need a shoulder.



Wednesday, February 8, 2012

brown black.

Have you ever felt weird or even bad when you sit in a corner enjoying just about anything and right about time someone comes and sit infront of you and then you realize they start yapping in their language?

Im not sure how you would feel but to me, being super insecure, i always feel that they are talking about me. you know being the loner is fun but at times when you get yapped at, all you wanna do is like proving to them how much friends you actualy have.

assumptions kills. but if you were the only three there and theres this one random person sits right opposite you and start talking on their own language, wont you feel insecure. I am not telling that i always feel like they are talking about me. but its just that its super weird.

Come on. i do know boys gossip too. But 20 years of leaving i wouldnt be that dumb not knowing who talks about me and who doesnt. and more over talking with a language that i dont understand at all.

i just feel is bloody racist. okay not bloody. i just feel its racist. i dont know why. that sometimes its just that people cant accept a person as they are. everything is seen under a microscope. or your white your this. if your black your that. come one. its seriously not going bring you anywhere. but shallower. Accepting a person as they are is like appreciating God creations. no one wants to be ugly. no would know they are. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And i think there is definitely no point for you to put a person down based on their physical. think how if someone did that to you. There is always a good side and bad side to a person. Like this girl, she might be a total bitch when it comes to boys but then a total sweetheart when it comes to animals. Come on, she deserves the credit to be such a kind soul to animals.

instead of yapping about the negative side of a person. i believe its much better if you were able to see all the beautiful thing in a person. You live this life once and make it count. Dont make others hate you. or even talk something about you that is not worth talking about.

You attitude is other people impressions and gaining a good name in this life definitely carves that smile on your face when you old. ORR you gonna just be alone and sad when you grow old. Dont you wanna have all those people your with you now when your old.

Maybe yeah now they are by you side yapping with you but trust me when they grow older they will definitely learn and change to be a better person. even you. but maybe you wont if you never change yourself starting from this moment onwards.



Monday, February 6, 2012

brainy heart

Theres so much i was thinking to write about but my brains are blank.
Oh wait, uni is starting tomorrow. second semester.please be nice. like normally how you use to treat me. just tomorrow onwards a little nicer.

I realize that i tend to always assume things are better sooner but when reality hits me i realize its either the same or the worst. i dont think its wrong to just have a little faith to hope things get better. (:

brains and heart.
these two plays an important role in out system including our emotions. there this two that is considered as the most used organ when we are emotionally attached to something. All this while its either you have been just listening to you little heart or listening to your almighty brains.

I've been always telling myself that i dont want to be in a relationship. and there are times relationship and falling more and more in love and having someone to have alate night conversation is all i want. i also realize that during the day is when i tell myself that i can deal with the fact that im single and when then moon comes out i just wish i could just call a guy a just talk and talk and i wish i was in a relationship with him.

now i realize that my brains works perfectly in the morning and during the night my brains completesly shuts down and the only thing i listen to is my heart. this is went i feel so miserable.

i am now having arguments with myself alot. its like my hearts wants it and my brains doesnt. I wanna totally listen to my brain but my heart doesnt allow it at all. i feel pretty much screwed. i know that i can be so much better without being in a relationship. BUT sigh the heart just dont listen .

I know a friend of mine that misses being in a relationship because she knows what she wants and she knows that relationship would totally make her feel better and for me i know its not a good thing having a relationship in this period of time as i have many other priorities to look at and to achieve.

sitting in between the heart and brain is not cool. maybe now its time for me to actually choose its either the brain or heart. irony much. in life we have choose one. we cant have two.

I’m a mind person I usually follow my mind ,but sometimes my heart wins the battle.