this has bugging me since sunday.. i was but i tried putting it aside until today when i went to see my mum. and i realize that she has been hiding so much from me because she knows that i don't handle things well. i realize how annoyed i got and then i realize
hey, i do the same thing too. like be so secretive even to the person i trust the most, like mum.
I've been thinking that why am i so bloody secretive, its not like whatever happens to me is like a million dollar news or anything, is it the feeling that i don't wanna tell it to anyone or is it just me not trusting anyone or me assuming that the world doesn't care.
Well i think its a mixture of everything. and trust, gehh i wouldn't even have the thought to tell you anything if i don't have that trust in you. leaving this aside,
I wonder why i don't have that thing to share.
when i think about it, i realize that, i tend to not share because I'm afraid of being judged. or being mislead of what I'm doing or even i think that you don't care about it. because all this while, everything that people has done to me was kick me around the field like i am this football. until a year ago when i knew who was there for me.
and for the pass 4-5 years, being treated like an carpet, where I'm just walked on, and not really care, i tend to keep everything just to not get hurt with how people react with i go through. and thus secretive is one of my traits. its a part of me.
opening up is not easy. it takes time. even to my best friends. i don't really tell things to them. because its just that being really pulled down, i just rather keep it. even if its a good thing.
maybe i think being secretive is good, but reality is that, it eventually scrapes me inside that i keep thinking about it and soon enough, emotions fail to keep up.
i tend to be happy about it for a few seconds and get over it and continue dwelling in the darkness.
and i'm sorry for being like this. i promise you ill open up to you. I promise.
I'm trying to change. its just I'm taking a longer time that others.