Word.

this is it.

Monday. Its like the start of the week. Well at least for me, I don't start my week on Sunday or any other day.

My monday's are so freaking hectic, that I wish my week starts on Monday and ends on Monday itself. Tuesday to Sunday will be like the weekend. 

Sadly, we don't always get what we want right. 

By the time I finish my monday, I am just drained. In so many ways. I mean like I don't have the power to survive till Friday. I don't think I have the strength. But I don't have a choice but to get through it right. 

I guess this week, it affected me more, that I am so stressed out because I am just drained. In every way possible. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I am not kidding. I am having like a massive headache now, but I can't just go home and cover myself under the blanket and pretend there is nothing happening tomorrow. I have a test tomorrow. A mid term test. 

You might not be stressed or anything like that. But I take all this shit seriously. 

I mean no matter what comes by, I will never  flip in school. I can never afford to flip in school. 

Because I am like that. I mean I am sorry. But theres nothing playful about screwing up uni. 

Or maybe I am just a person with very high expectations that I don't wanna disappoint myself. 

Or I feel theres nothing else I can be really good at than school, that I want to make sure that I get good results all the way through. 

It is putting stress on me, I am not kidding. But I just can't afford to let it go. And Monash is so difficult. Its just so difficult, that there's so many familiar faces, that I just wish I didn't wanna see or have a conversation with, because I don't know. I just don't wanna talk to anyone. 

And I don't know why, But the weather is annoying the shit out of me. It just so fucking cold. I mean, I'm like with three layer of clothes in one of the hottest country in the world, and I feel like just fucking burning myself because its just so cold.

Is it because of all the coldness i've received this pass few days, its just making me hate the weather. 

I mean I use to love, the cold weather. 

But now, I just want the sun to shine as bright as possible, because all this coldness is just too much to handle. 

I really wish the sun came up and just shine. I need the heat. I need to make myself feel better. 

Bottom line, I am sick. I'm stuck with flu and fever.

I wanna get over this phase. 

I wanna clear things with you 

I wanna move forward

Don't keep me waiting to just clear things. 

Lets do it, and move on.

With or without each other. 

But I need time & space

All the words you threw at me,

It's just too much too handle. 

And I am sorry. 

I know I should be stronger, 

But I can't. 

I will not be upset if you wanna take your space too

Because it takes a little bit longer for me to heal. 

I never thought this would happen, 

But it did. 

So I guess this is it. 

xx

future.

I don't know about every other normal twenty year old.
But me, I think about my future a lot. I mean there are a lot of things that I do and there are certain things I believe I should live the moment and there are certain things that I believe I should plan out.

Basically
Live the moment - My relationship, falling in love and all. I don't want to have a plan. Like I want it to happen and I don't want to be commitment. I really don't. I don't want to do something I am not good at. I really don't. Taking care of people and their feelings and people getting too close and then leaving me, right now, that all is too much to handle. I am not kidding.

Plan Out - How my life is gonna be, everything other than relationship and being committed to someone, anyone. Having a good job and having to earn enough to sustain my lifestyle. Being able to support my parents and send them for holidays etc. I want a family. I know, no commitment but family. I am not kidding I picture myself to be a successful woman, with a family which means kids. I mean a man can come into it, but without it, it will not make a big difference for me. I want kids I really do. You know, me and my baby.

PS : you might think its too young to like think about all this but to be honest, I can't wait to leave uni, and get over the phase of finding the "job" and then settling in life. I can't wait to settle down, because I picture myself having the job that I will love and I would look forward to doing it every single day. And a kid that I will love and just be there for.

This is how I picture it to be, but at the end, God has more power, to either change it to just let it be.

i'm sorry.

I’m sorry.

1.     For hurting your feeling

2.     For making you feel that way

3.     For drowning you in my bitterness

4.     For saying hateful words

5.     For affecting you so much

6.     For not believing in what you believe

7.     For not being the first in your list

8.     For failing on you

9.     For being a emotional wreck

10. For putting so much on you

But I just wish you knew, how I really felt.

Maybe I am not as expressive or sarcastic as you are.

I just wished you knew me better,

Before judging me,

And not confronting me.

Bottom line,

I am just sorry that you feel like this,

What done is done?

We both are hurt.

We both are grown ups

We both need to put this back and move forward.

Should have learnt my mistake and not love someone so much.

And should have reminded myself about how much it hurts

When some you love so much just decides to give up on you

And just silently leave.

Well now you got it back.

Remind yourself, no not get attached Ashwi.

It’s the best. 

mad world.

Sometimes, we just got to admit that we are not a good person.
We are not the person that our tumblr page explains.
We are just not.
We make ourselves look good.
We make ourselves believe that we are a good person
But then you know you have done what you think you didn't
Like,
You have called someone ugly before
You have hurt someone's feelings
You have talked behind someone's back
You have not meant what you say
You have made someone hurt
You have done it.
We have all done it

But what I don't get is that, why don't you just admit that you have done it.
Why do you make yourself believe that you didn't do it.
That you didn't bully nor say mean things about someone.

Why don't you just admit that you have judged people before.

I have judged people before.
I never say I didn't. But I wish we all stopped. I wish I would stop.
I have hurt people before. But I wish I didn't.
I don't say that I didn't hurt anyone before.
But sometime, emotions take over, the slip of tongue that we don't realize.

And I never say I am a good person. I sin. I do what they say I shouldn't
But I don't go around and say, I am a good person, that I don't do any of it because I know I do.

And you know you do too. Why don't you just admit that you do it instead of being a total hypocrite saying that you don't. Its okay if you do it.
The more you admit to a mistake, the more it reminds you to not do it to be someone better.

Can like everyone just stop using the internet to prove how amazing you are.
Because deep down we both know we have our demons in us.

I'll fight.

When I was younger, I never imagined a morning better than the morning I am having now.
7am, the sun is about just to rise, pancakes, maple syrup, amazing strong black coffee and my blog. Writing. You know, theres nothing else I wish for. I mean I really hope I have morning like this, always. Okay and maybe looking at this elderly man, seems like they are having their daily routine of having breakfast and also the TV. Hockey match. This early. :)

Moving on, last night. I had one of the worst breakdowns ever. I mean it was such a huge meltdown. Painful and horrifying. I am not kidding about the horrifying part of last night. I texted four friends. And I had not one reply. Am I mad? Definitely no. I am not. I sometime understand that I am too much too handle. I don't blame them. Even Adam ignored me last night. I don't blame him too, its his birthday. The last thing he wants is to drown with me in my horrifying night.

Not forgetting the fact that my immune system decides to fail on me. I had fever, flu and sore throat. And I cried till my face hurt so bad, I just wanted to ..., I didn't know what to do be honest.
During that period of time, I realize and I told myself,

There is nothing you can do at this wee hour. 
You need to pull yourself back together and do what you know you have too. 
Crying is not gonna make someone appear magically in front of your house.
Crying is not gonna make your mum sleep with you through the night. 
Nope, nothing is gonna come.
This is reality, pull yourself back together 
or else 
you are just gonna go through this massive pain on your freaking face.

And at the period of time too, I realize that no matter how many friends you have. At one point we all have our own thing to do. That time I knew, no matter how much you love a person, be it a family or a friend, you will definitely gonna get hurt.
I am not hurt with the fact that four of my friends didn't reply my text or what so ever. But I was hurt about what a person that I loved the most, would chose me over her friend. Whereas there I was, that I was sure no matter what happens, I will always be there for her, because I love her, and I care for her. And she is my family.

Now its just all stuck with doubt, about what is it gonna be like in the future.

Bright side, I manage to knock sense into my own head, that I need to pull myself back together because my body don't deserve the pain my heart feels, cause till now, my body has never failed on me. Except for now, being sick and all. I mean thats normal, the body needs a break.

I keep on telling myself, reminding again and again that nothing is gonna break me apart, nothing can. Even if my own best friend wants to prove to the world that she has better friends than me. I really don't care because I am gonna make sure that, that shit doesn't break me apart.
And I am gonna be strong no matter what comes around, because I need and will always pull myself together.

Despite the storm, there are beautiful things, that life has to offer which I would definitely wanna see.
And I am not gonna put a stop to this battle no matter what comes around.
I may fall apart, but honey.
I will definitely get myself up.

No matter what we breed, 
We are still made of greed. 

- Demons, Imagine Dragons. 

previous post

Explains that my mind wanders a lot.

I didn't know where i was going. 
And I am hoping that 
I can get all this straight
So that I don't walk the other way. 
Because it sucks to feel the way you feel when you screw up. 

.