Saturday, March 17, 2012

Content.

Something i realize.

Ive been ignoring my best friend. Well I just can't be around her right now. And I'm sorry.
I just can't be around people who are so happy. Im really glad that she is happy now that she has someone to share everything with. And with everything I'm feeling now, i just don't want to bother her with my problems and i know how she feels about what I'm going through
I just rather keep it all within me. So that she would just be happy. And this is why I don't feel like seeing anyone.

I don't want people asking me 'how are you?.'
I don't want to lie saying 'Im fine but inside, i just feel like stabbing anyone.'

I don't want you to care for me extra knowing that I'm not okay. I don't need your insincerity.


Ahh I fucking want to get over this phase. I really can't handle all this anymore.
Like something inside is really bothering. i don't know what why and how to just move on.


Friday, March 16, 2012

Harsh Truths

Can you feel the love tonight
- The Lion King

I've been reading a lot on multiple thing. I can't put my thought together but then I just want to read about whatever that interest me. And I'm also stalking Jack Johnson. Because of one song. As sad as it sounds. i don't mind because for me, Jack Johnson sings beautifully. Not cutting James Morrison of course. Maybe its the genre. Anyways moving on. I found this really cool website that i realize i spent like 3 hours just reading on it.
Don't be afraid, its not 9gag and will never be 9gag! I promise.

Just a little note : when i grow up, if i have enough money and model. i will open up a new radio station who appreciate music like James Morrison, Jack Johnson, Mute Math, Joe Brooke, Maroon 5, Tyler Ward, Boyce Avenue, Birdy etc which is not so mainstream that means nothing today.

I was reading about the 16 Harsh Truths that Makes Us Strong. I'm gonna write what I think about it. :)

1. Life is not easy.
No one said it was easy and no one said it was worth it. If you want it to be easy, i don't think it would be worth it. I believe that we are giving this chance to see the beauty around us and why wouldn't we suffer a little to appreciate what that has been given to us and make use of the chances and strive forward to achieve something that will make this journey worth awhile.

2.You will fail sometimes.
Failures, that is one of the best presents that someone would wish for us to get. But then again, we are not perfect. We fail in order to grow and become stronger. Failing is not the end of the world. Failing is just an indication that you have tried and you weren't able to make it right but think about it, its better failing today then failing tomorrow. Every failure we endure the constitution of who we are today.

3.Right now, there is a lot that you don't know.
This second, do you have any idea whats gonna happen to you in the next 5 minutes? Any idea? If you do, then think about what you've become today. In life, everyday we go through a learning process and life itself is a learning adventure where everyday, we get to know about each other more and more and sometimes, we don't realize ourself that we tend to get shock knowing about ourselves. Embrace new information.
Note : do you think life would be better if you could see the future?


4.There may not be a tomorrow.
Live life as it is. Stop planning anything for tomorrow because today might be your last yesterday, today & tomorrow. We can't control something that is not control by our own kind. And we definitely can't control what the higher power has for us.

5.There's a lot you can't control.
 There are things that we know that we can't change but yet, we want to change. And during this phase, we waste the energy, the emotion, the pain just to change something that we know from the beginning that it would never chance. I think, a person has to accept the fact that sometimes, things are just meant to be. Maybe its destiny or its a stupid decision. When it is declared permanent. You change it anymore. Like a tattoo. Make it better with what you have. Like a cover up tattoo instead of changing you whole body part, which is again, not possible.

6.Information is not true knowledge. 
Let me start by defining what differs information and knowledge. Sometimes we think its the same. But then information are fact that people tell us and we believe and also information is something that we can buy. Like information all around us. However, knowledge. Knowledge is gained from experiences that only we went through.Knowledge can't be bought nor sold because no one would experience the experiences you went through. There would be a different. So don't live your lie based on the information that others plant on you mind instead live life with all the knowledge that you gain all this while. Those that made us what we are today.

7.You can't be successful without providing value.
Who we were then is what we are today. You being here today, doing what you doing and having the luxury all around is the reflection of what you were last time. In order to be successful, you have to have the thought of making others successful too. Nothing can be gained if you are self centered. Nothing. Theres no anything better than seeing someone having what you have. The least a person could do is put a smile on someone's face. Even when your down. Maybe seeing others happy will make you happy.

8.Someone will always have more than you.
Its okay for someone to have something more than you. Because that little niche they have in their life might be not something that can make you be a better person. Person with extras are those who worked hard to be where they are today. Maybe if you work a little harder than spending time comparing yourself with other, you will definitely, be on top of the world with everything that you know that will make you happy.

9.You can't change the past.
We were not given the chance to create anything to turn back time to make sure everything was perfect. If you had a time machine and you could have gone back to the certain time and not make any mistakes. Do you think you will be where you are today. Everything that happened in the past is just, a past. A past that we can just think about and not do anything. Making your mistakes right is gonna create more mistakes in the future.

10.The only person that can make you happy is you.
 Its totally different when you have a classmate name Yu, who comes to class like a zombie. You. Everything that is around you now. Are those things that makes you happy? And this current place your in, reading this blogpost. Why are you here? Does that place make you happy? Or maybe not. If it doesn't then you won't be reading up till number 10 of this list. Well I believe that, every emotion you go through is how you want to feel at this very moment. For example, people's action will make you sad. Because you think its sad. If someone hurts you and you are still being joyful and putting sadness aside, do you think you will be sad? You control how you wanna fell and why would you want to have other emotion than happiness?

11.There will always be people who don't like you.
In this big big world. We can't accept everyone to think alike. The world would just be boring with no excitement if we were all the same who lived with the same thought. I believe that we all have different perspectives in life that may go against other people. And this will definitely makes people to not like us because of our behavior. How much you could change to make other happy. The more change you see in yourself, you will not like yourself as well. Its okay fro people to not like you. As long as you don't have the same thinking as them and prove it to them that you accept everyone just the way they are. without judging.

12.You won't always get what you want.
The word always means something too, that sometimes you might and other you won't. Its okay to not get what you want because right now, you have everything you need. all this needs are just extras to make it better. Instead of regretting about what you have not, why not appreciate everything that you got and by appreciating it, you will think of better way to make what you have more special in order to not lose it, including your family & friends. and boyfriend or girlfriend.

13.In life, you get what you put in.
Can you except getting ice without placing the water in the freezer. Is it possible for the freezer to produce ice without you placing water in it. Like wise, it is possible for someone to make your life better by you just sitting one corner. As harsh as it is, the fact is, this is life. There's not much that God can do for us and magically make us live like a King. He has given us all the resources we need to live and in order for this journey to be fruitful, you need to plant a tree first, that it putting effort in making things you want to happen.

14.Good friend will come and go.
Well, this is so self explanatory. Yes, you can't force some to be with out. They have things to do and they have life to live. As they stand by your side, appreciate every moment that is spent with you. And when they leave, be the one who will let them go whole heartily.
To be honest, i can't imagine doing the last sentence myself.


15.Doing the same exact thing everyday hinders the same growth.
That routine over an over again, other than us telling its boring. Is there anything else that we gain. Life is like dressing up your barbie dolls or, for the boys if you dress up your super hero's. You mix and match to make it pretty and strong, for the boys. Without mix and match, a barbie is just a barbie that you stare at like forever. Have the courage to take the extra step and to change in order to see a better change in yourself. But i would say, ignore the consequences of changing but solely think about changing and sometimes, having the thought of doing something is good enough.

16.You'll never be 100% ready for something new. 
Nothing is perfect. Including how ready you are for the next step. For a Malaysian, high school for 11 years. 4 exams every year. Today I'm in a university which have tests and the butterflies automatically flies around my stomach before, even a test. We are never 100% ready in whatever do. We doubt ourself a lot and this is not wrong. Sometimes, its just that we tend to care so much about whats around us, because we don't wanna be judged in life. So even a simple thing, like ordering food, we are not sure what we want to eat, but we still order and eat them.

Well, those are the hard truths of life and what i think about it and way to be a better person. at least for me. better side, it makes us stronger. :)


xx
ashwi.




Thursday, March 15, 2012

i wont let you go

Have you ever had this song that means so much to you.
I do listen to music and seek for help from it.
But this pass few days, i am being really into James Morrison.
There something about this song that hit me. With all the words seems so close to my heart.

Then i thought, why does this song means so much to me.
Frankly, its like her interviewed me and wrote it.

A verse from this song,

And if you feel the fading of the light,
 And you're too weak to carry on the fight,
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared,
I'll be here, not gone, forever, holding on

I think this verse to my heart that i instantly feel in love with it.

What was he trying to say actually is that,

When she is down, she have to take the time to appreciate everything that she had and he believes that she wouldnt let go of  herself just because of this because there was once in his life that she helped him held himself up again. He explained that she should feel the love that she feels and there is much more to come and he says "we'll see it,".  That she should be alone at this period of time and he would not let her go alone.

And he wanted her to say the things that she believed in and theres nothing compared to what she believed. And he asked her to open herself up and let go of everything that has made her to be what she is now. And he assured her even when that sky is falling or she feels the fading of light and when she felt too weak and all her friends who she thought would be there is not there anymore. He re-assured her that he wont let her go and be by her side to help her through. And throughou the song he explained why that she should not be alone in this period of time and she should trust him in order to help her move forward


Well this is what I think after reading the lyrics for likr12345 times. :)



Wednesday, March 14, 2012

pain is painful

When i signed into this account. I was scanning  my brains about what i was suppose to write. but anyway. after a moment i would know what i wanted to write. i think its a about picture i saw on the web. umm. and im ignoring tumblr now. found something way way better. stumbleupon. thanks kishya. love love. muah muah.

While driving today. I was thinking what makes us what we are today. What made me this person today. Why am I like this? How was I influenced to be who I am today. Is it because of people around me, or all that i learnt for the pass 19 years. Oh is it because i just am like this .

And I was thinking. What made me change from who i was 2 years ago and who I am today.

Does pain made me a better person or someone that lived with negativity. ?

I believe that we all have this good side and bad side. no one is just 100% good. there should be atleast 1% of negativity. Umm. thats just life. the balance. Too much of good may not be good. And too much of negativity may not be that bad after all i believe. Its just all solely depends on us. And how we wanna be and how we should react in order to be treated as you want too.

Well, for me, pain have affected me in both ways. That I admit i have two sides to myself. That one that is i believe good and the one that i know its not good. Then again i think why should i live having negativity. Im living this life once and why not just make it pretty.

As much as I wish that i had only one side to myself but the fact is that i have two. It depends whom im with. I believe the real me is when im around my bestfriends. that is just how i am really because i feel so much serene being around them that i dont need to hide anything or everything i do as i believe that they would never judge me.

Maybe this would be one of the reasons why i love being alone. because when im around people. i tend to not be myself because im afraif that ill be judged and i tend to be this different person where i myself dont like, just for the fact that i need to go in their flow to be accpeted without being judged.

Pain is painful. And the pain that you never thought you would get is worst.

The pain that they put me through, made me become this person that i wasnt. And the person I dont like and that person who never trusts people, never accept defeat, sometimes very self centered and arrogant and also not helpful. I dont wanna be this person.

Sometimes, i just want the world to accept me for who i am.
appreciated, loved, cared for, and also i want to be this person, who makes you smile.

And then again,

I know i should put the fact that they hurt me behind and im pretty much very angry with myself that i cant let go. I've been writting this a million times. that i wanna let go but the fact is, the pain is so deep that i just cant let go of the fact that they had the heart to just hurt someone so much.

And this obviously depends on the person. Maybe for you, you can deal with the pain and let go and forgive. But everyone have different level of emotions. And mine is really really fragile that i still cant accept the fact although it has been a year plus and im stil re-reading that chapter of life. And not turning my page to start a new one.

Or maybe i have started the new chapter, but its not completely a new chapter. just a mock chapter to show people that i am strong and confident. The self that i hate. because i believe the real me, im super weak and self confidence is reaching closer to the ground.

And i cant be weak infront of people cause they tend to just bring me down. like Ashwi should be brought down.

sometimes, i just want happiness to last longer. but the 'sometimes' comes once in a blue moon.






hoping for things to be much better

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

thank you.

I know I've been down this pass week as I find everything is so mind boggling. And I force myself to not eat and to not talk to anyone. i even find the people im close too annoying. and im sorry. i really am. im trying so much to feel better. but deep down i feel like something is just not allowing me to do it.

I am being very positive about everything. I am trying very very hard just to feel better. Im going for class. Im being around my classmates. And still meeting my classmates and bestfriends. But everything that everyone does is very annoying. That i just dont wanna be around people. I really dont. And I dont wanna be alone also, so, i cant really find a situation where i can just be or feel okay. around people and without people.

pretty fucked up i call it. and ive been trying really hard to talk to my mum because i am really afraid on how she is gonne react towards this situation. and i was like this before when i was 7 . and i put through my parents alot. and now im feeling so guilty with the fact that i didnt take care of myself to put me in this condition.

people are trying to communicate with me and im trying to push them away. and im sorry again. and  thank you for caring about me. really thanks. and sometimes. i just wanna go home. like go for class. just get through the day with a smile and then go home and just sleep or if no one is at home. then i go out to watch tv.

i promise that im gonna force myself to feel alright. im sick of being like this all this while.

and moving on.

this weekend . sunway's psychology school is having a prom and Kishya and Jessica is apart of the organisers. and Rhys, the man is performing that night. I thought of not going for it because i thought of saving money, but heck. These people was always there for me and Rhys, always. So im gonna go for it and support him throughout. the least i could do. its not that he is gonna be nervous or anything but as a friend, i wanna be there with him, going through it.

then when we are old. we can sit back and talk about it.

these are the people who make me to always feel better and im very glad and i thank god everyday for people like them.

without them, even i cant imagine on where i will be today.

so im gonna thank them. i think it would not suffice if i thank them everyday.



Saturday, March 3, 2012

i got this from a friend and I'm just gonna explain it to my abandoned blog because I'm sure if i talk in a neutral way also, people will always claim they are right. 


why when someone apologizes, others think that the person don't really mean when they apologize.


well i apologized and just because i have this sarcastic manner to some people, does that mean i don't mean what i say or do. 
some may think I'm defending myself but this is what i feel.


i may be this really sarcastic asshole. but i always mean what i say, doesn't mean if I'm sarcastic that i don't mean every single thing that comes off my mouth. 


so everything i say i don't mean it. how could you just judge me like that. seriously, just because I'm sarcastic, i don't have a point of living my life? seriously?


again, does everything that happening just based on what you think and how you judge the world? and everything you feel is how the world revolves around you?


well you think everything is not big deal because you don't fucking care. well the thing with me is i fucking care. which part of that you don't get. 


i just feel that some how, you make me look bad because its your nature to tell it to the world and not mine because i keep everything to myself and you telling everyone is gonna make everyone think I'm the bad one. 


this i why i just give up proving to the world. that I'm not what people say i am because no one hear my part of the story all all judgements are done based on what you say because you defend yourself to everyone. 


you think that you were not cold me. well i just feel that its cold, because if i were you, i wouldn't do that to anyone. i really won't. if you hurt my feelings and i would explain to you at let go.


and this is what i did this time. i explained to let you know how feel and then let go, but the way you reacted to me. its really hurtful. that i don't know what other ways are there for me to just let go of it.


 its okay..
i will still treat u as friend ashwi.
i didnt hate you also. o.O

well this is what you say. so all this while, its making me think what you actually treat me as?

Friday, March 2, 2012

nonstop tears

young girl don't cry,
ill be right here when your
world starts to fall
- christine aguilera

well, that what i know my mum would tell me.

I've been on whole load of shit in just two days. where a friend of mine really hurt my feelings by being super cold to me. and the fact that I'm invisible when my sister is there has definitely put me through whole load shit.

that I'm so angry at everything that i wish i had a riffle that will give me the authority to shoot everyone in front of me.

i was thinking today while waiting for my car to be washed and service, does people really tend to hurt you and i realize it actually depends on that person itself.

for instant, my friend, when i approached him he was really cold, well i guess he wanted to just really hurt my feelings without even asking me why i did that.

i don't really understand why that a person is so shallow that they tend to react even knowing the truth. sometimes, i do that too, but i tend to ask that person about it and make myself clear before judging on anything. especially judging based on my thoughts about it.

and i believe some people are really self centered that they only care about themselves. and don't remember that there are like 123456789 people around them who has feelings too. whats the point of being self centered, you care about yourself so much and not the one around you and soon you realize, theres no one by you. or you might not even care because everything is you.

well i don't know why. i tend to get over the fact that i was hurt by you within seconds. but today was the first time i feel like my walls are just breaking. i don't know why i cried the whole night and fall asleep while crying. i don't know why that I'm really hurt, that now one part of me is telling me to hate you and the other is asking me to forgive you.

i really don't know what to do because i just feel that I'm very alone in this cold world.

the only person i need now is my mum. I'm literally crying whenever she calls me. and i don't know why.