breakingpoint.

All this time, I try to put up with people I don't like. And now, I'm just giving up. That I don't care anymore if you are gonna like me or not because I'm tired. I'm just plain tired of pleasing everyone I know, but what I get back is just pure betrayal. From the extend of talking behind my back till being really nice to for getting something they want. 

I don't know why, for the past two year, I've been feeling miserable. I have gone to the extend of being under depression because of this and till today, I feel like no one seem to understand. I just feel that people wanna use me, use me and be nice to me just for them to use me. To be honest, I really don't think I'm gonna survive this long. Because it is breaking me deeper and deeper every single day. 

There are days where I just wanna run out. Like I feel, even leaving this place is not gonna help. I feel frustrated knowing that the people I trust, they tend to just use me for something that they need. And I've tried to change my perspective about them and it just don't work. Maybe the problem is I don't confront people about how I feel. But I don't find a point of confronting that person they have hit me hard on the last level about them. 

Today is one of the days where I feel like taking the knife not to kill myself but kill everyone around me. Where pressure is kicking in that I want to get out from home, before I get into a huge fight with my grandma. 

You see, what the fuck you do to me, people around me.

first impressions

There are a lot one does not know about you. There are some who thinks they know enough but actually they don't. There are some who knows about you but not care about you at all. Then you have those who does not know anything, but tend to think they know all.

Which one of these are you, when it comes to my life. Do you think that as someone that falls in any of the category above?

Well, I'm not here to tell everyone that they don't know me. Actually there are some who does know bits & pieces of my life, and they have been there. I know no one reads this, but I just need a white sheet now to spread out my brains.

Everyone says, first impression is the most important impression ever. But I tell myself that first impression is not everything. I believe in change. I believe change can be good and change can be bad. Changing for the good, doesn't make justice to the first impressions anymore. And changing to bad, does the same too. The reflection you had when you first saw a person, changed. Like from a thief to a volunteer or from a volunteer to a thief.
I know many that lives by that first impression. "You should give your best first impression", how does this give room for someone to change, for them to grow out and be someone better, because they gave you the best they had on the first day and now  there is no such thing as bestest after best.
Let yourself to see the imperfections of a person, let them screw up and learn, let them fall and conquer after, let them live life how they want, because their life doesn't revolve around yours. Their lifespan is not the same as yours. Don't force someone to be who you want them to be.

I get judged everyday that at one point, I just find there is no point to prove to people, what kind of a person I really am. Because they just don't give room for me to show the other side of me. I'm not telling that I have positive days everyday, there are days I just wanna cry due to anger, and there are days, nothing but happiness. I'm sorry if you tap me at the wrong time and I put a rage on you.

I am a person who believes that everyone deserves a second chance, even liars. They do because I believe that one lies because of pressure not because they want too. They lie because they wanna be the best in your eyes. They wanna prove to you that they can do something good and they are not a wasted sperm. I believe that everyone is kind, I believe that giving money to the homeless is not gonna make you any poorer and saving money everyday is not gonna make you rich. I don't believe that wearing expensive clothes makes you pretty. I believe that giving comfortable clothes away to those who doesn't have enough makes you beautiful. I believe that we are all here for a reason, a reason that made Him believe, that its worth for Him to create you and shape you into this person you are now. Its not easy for me to dislike a person and its definitely not easy for me to like a person. I cry. I cry a lot because it makes me feel better. I don't cry to get attention. I don't complain to annoy someone. I feel like complaining because sometimes, I don't wanna bring my pride down in front of a person to tell them that I'm weak. To be honest, I give that look that I am really strong but deep down inside, I cry even when I see someone begging because I am fragile. Really fragile. Being fragile is not good, and to be honest, I don't like they way I am. They way I look, The life I have, because people judge me. For being this girl with money, and being judged for being rich but not being able to own expensive handbags.  Expensive handbags are not my thing. My parents, they brought me up, that the most expensive thing I own. No money would worth my family because they are my everything. I am a person that would do anything for my family. Then my friends. I am not a friend to one or two. I have many friends who believe and knows that I will be there for them. One thing that they don't know is that, I am not a person who asks for anything in return. I never do something hoping for anything in return. The only thing I do which I want in return is the things I do for myself like exercising, I wanna lose weight in return, or studying, I want good results in return. I am not a person who judges you based on what you are and what you own. I am never materialistic. I adore a person for what they are inside. For me, trust is everything. I will trust you, I definitely will but at the end of they day, its up to you whether you wanna uphold the trust I have in you or you wanna just let it fall down the drain. I've been humiliated, called names and I've been a thing, like a carpet, that they just walk over, that everyone pushed around, but I wasn't that person who hanged around those people. I made the decision to leave and be independent because I believe everyone should be treated equally no matter how they look on the outside. I took the road on my own. Because I know I deserve to be alone than to be treated like trash. I believe everyone have their own soft side, that makes them a better person. I am someone who thinks that, no one wants to be a bad person, its just that they don't know, what to do because everyone around them, is just pushing them to be someone the society thought they would be. I am included in the "society" and I believe that the"society" can be wrong sometimes too.

No one knows yourself better than you. I believe physical is temporary. Nothing is permanent, unless you want it to be permanent. I believe that you can't change one, you can make them live life the way you want them too. I believe that giving people space, helps them. In many ways. There are nights, I would want to pull a rage on you and there are night I just want you to show me that you care. And there are some nights that I just want you to fuck off. But this is me. What are you gonna get by changing me. You are just gonna lose me. A friend, that you know would be there for you through thick and thin. I just want you to accept everyone for what they are this very moment, with everything because these are the ones that will teach you lesson to go forward in life. They, the unchanged them. Look at them, take one step closer and see someone from a different point of view. You have no idea, how much it would change your world.

love.
a.

space, friend.

Lately, I find it really difficult to just bond with boys. I mean it has been my forte, that I am always closer to guys than girls, except Kishya. I mean I don't know why, but lately things are just not going on well.

I am afraid to even go up to my guy friend and say that I really miss him. Afraid that Ill be judged for liking him all over again. I think the world seems more peaceful without us talking. And I find it difficult. I go through this with most of them now, that when I am close to a guy, it is totally misjudged about me liking him, no matter if he is Rhys, Dinesh or even Adam.

I mean, I sometimes, back off too, To just prevent drama, but I wish my social connection is not as shallow as it seems. I believe that today, you can have a good friend, who is a guy, that can sometimes be the only person that can make you feel better, without us having feelings for each other.

It is possible. I guess it all comes down to how we look at the society behavior. That how you analyze everything you see. Do you look at it as something positive or do you look at is as something negative. Not forgetting that certain percentage of people, who would tell any crap they could to just bring you down, because of their jealously. Jealous that you are close to a guy. As for me, being a girl, a lot of girls, really tried hard to bring me down, because I click with boys very easily. And the only thing they can come up with is that I am close to that guy because I like him, i repeat, I like him. It never once was, he likes me.

Why am I not capable of making a guy attracted to me? Like really? You think. Honey bunny, that's where you are wrong. Very wrong.

Sometimes, this is why I am closer to guys,

Okay, moving on.

So lately I realize I've been drifting away from my guy friends, to just prevent from people talking about me behind my back which leads to me being super raged and doing reckless things. I mean this is me. This is what I do. And I know this is not right, but I don't know how else to just let things be, and just move on. Okay maybe gym is an option.

But sometimes, I wish I could just text you how much I miss you, and the same time, I feel like I don't want to invade you space, as uni started and stuff. To be honest, you were there for me once, and now, I dont want you to be my listener or anything, I just wanna see you and give you a big fat hug and catch up on things.

bottom line,

dear lovely boyfriend,

i miss you. you and everything. i sometimes wants to just express to the world to not be judgmental so that i can go out with you to hang out. sometimes, i wish i want to come up to you but you seem so busy that i don't want to invade your space. text me or something. im sure you know who you are.


love,
ashwi.

cherish.

Its just crazy that sometimes, the tiniest incident in life, can make to break you. That tiny one that you never thought would just yeah, do it.

For me, it has always been that, I appreciate every little thing in life, because those small moments, makes me outlook the bigger problems in life.

Even a simple text from anyone I know could make my day. I realize that lately, that I've been in this situation that I was disliking everyone who messes with my feelings. Anything that offense me or some sort like that.

And I feel that I've been losing people I really love. Do I think its worth it to lose good friends, because of me, not being able to control my emotions.

No.

So I've decided that, today onwards I'm gonna just be myself, that very weird yet kind person to people I know because, no matter what, everyone has a bad and a good side. I wish to pretend that I don't look at the bad side but just be there for them for the good in them.

I am twenty. Soon enough, Ill grow older. And as I grow older, I believe that I am gonna grow up mentally and become more mature, well that depends on how we think of the level of maturity, but yeah, grow and have flourish memories so that when I'm filled with platinum hair, I would look down at how I am not, and laugh. And cherish my teenage hood for my lifetime.

_______________________________

Adam, how do I explain, to myself about you, assuming only I read my blog ;)

Really, thank you.
(If we were to read this together, Ill tell you. why. )

Have you ever had this person in your life, that you know no matter how the relationship (friendship etc) ends, you will never regret meeting them.

Thats how I feel that I know at one point in life, we will be definitely separated and we may be strangers again, but i'm sure if that happens, Ill never once ask God, why He took you away from me. Never will. Because when everything goes towards the left, all the right I had with you, will be cherished.

Losing weight is gonna be one of the biggest part of my life. Because it is going to change everything, everything from how people treat me till the extend of the extension of my life span. And I'm glad that I found you, or rather say I chose you to be apart of the journey filled with laughters, happiness, care, love, pain and tears. Theres no one else could make me be what I am today, without you, this journey wouldn't be like how it is today.

Those days, me coming to you, trying so hard to just control my tears, and those night, where I need someone, I know you would be there. Paths in life, may be different for us, but Ill always remember this journey we had together.

Sincerely,
thankyou.

A.

time & money

I just feel that time, is not sufficien for me. I have the whole day and yet I feel that, I wish my nights wee longer. I feel like I'm crazy at this point. Dont ask me why. I just feel like it.

Two days ago, I took my blood sample to send it to the lab, because yeah. my knees. I need to do a full body checkup before I go to the specialist to get my bones checked. I feel old kowing that my knees are in horrible condition. hehe.

I decided to not tell Adam about it because I dont know, I didnt want him to know, but I had to because I was suppose to continue training and I cant just stop temperorily without a good reason. I realize that telling him would be not easy. When I texted him about it, I got a call and a text within 2 minutes. He say he is concern. I call that being very caught up.

This is what I meant, that sometimes, I just dont want to tell him anything.

Moving on, Ive been having this silent twitter war with someone never thought I would. I was so close to him but yet, I cant believe that he annoys the shit outta me. He use to be my favorite guy in school but now that every single thing wites on twitter, thinking it a joke, dont seem funny at all to me. I dont know why a person can get so immatur in life. I know he is like 1 year younger than me, but dude, thats like 7 months difference only. Like dafuq right. I am so annoyed that I dont even wanna talk to him now.

I guess boys will never grow up, thats why they say boys are boys. I dont understand him, i guess because all my best guy friends are matured for their age. Im not kidding. I just love having conversations with them. I realize that I am growing up, with a really good company by me, instead of all thee teenagers today, sex, drug, party.

Moving on,

Money has become an issue for others lately. I mean, I dont have and never will have issues with money because I believe money is temporary. I rather pay attention to something more permanent, like friends and family. I belive that money is not everything.

And  stress this fact to the people around me alot that, for me, money is not everything. Well for me its not everything. And I get back replies like " Oh, you are rich, you have this and that, money is not a issue for you blablabla"

Seriously, shut the fuck up.

I know how hard my parents work that today, they give us everything we want (me and my siblings) and till now, they still work their butts off to make us happy. And Im sorry that my parents work hard to make me and happy and your parents dont care. And I'm sorry that I was born with a silver spoon in my heart. Thing you dont know is that, my parents. WORK THEIR ASS OFF for us and yet they make us work for what we want. I dont get things just because i want them. I have to show results, good behavior etc etc. Maybe my parents way of bringing us up is way different than yours because in my family. We only have one rule. Make sure both mum and dad knows what you are doing. They know that we wouldnt go off limits, because they are sure about how they brought us up.

So please dont come up to me telling me that I dont know the value of money. I do. I know how many nights i spent without my parents around when i was young because they were out working to be who they are today. No one threw money to them nor me. So dont judge.

I really believe that the world would be a better place if no one cared so much about money. That we dont need money to get something. Maybe a device that will beable to count all the good deeds and with that, with all you have collected that ou purchase what you want. This totally remind me of the money "In Time" with Justin Timberlake in it. You know what, I should go watch that movie again. I am sure I can deduce something from it. :)

Philippe Weis: For a few to remain immortal, many must die.

Will Salas: No one should be immortal, if even one person has to die.

In Time, 2011

A.