first impressions

There are a lot one does not know about you. There are some who thinks they know enough but actually they don't. There are some who knows about you but not care about you at all. Then you have those who does not know anything, but tend to think they know all.

Which one of these are you, when it comes to my life. Do you think that as someone that falls in any of the category above?

Well, I'm not here to tell everyone that they don't know me. Actually there are some who does know bits & pieces of my life, and they have been there. I know no one reads this, but I just need a white sheet now to spread out my brains.

Everyone says, first impression is the most important impression ever. But I tell myself that first impression is not everything. I believe in change. I believe change can be good and change can be bad. Changing for the good, doesn't make justice to the first impressions anymore. And changing to bad, does the same too. The reflection you had when you first saw a person, changed. Like from a thief to a volunteer or from a volunteer to a thief.
I know many that lives by that first impression. "You should give your best first impression", how does this give room for someone to change, for them to grow out and be someone better, because they gave you the best they had on the first day and now  there is no such thing as bestest after best.
Let yourself to see the imperfections of a person, let them screw up and learn, let them fall and conquer after, let them live life how they want, because their life doesn't revolve around yours. Their lifespan is not the same as yours. Don't force someone to be who you want them to be.

I get judged everyday that at one point, I just find there is no point to prove to people, what kind of a person I really am. Because they just don't give room for me to show the other side of me. I'm not telling that I have positive days everyday, there are days I just wanna cry due to anger, and there are days, nothing but happiness. I'm sorry if you tap me at the wrong time and I put a rage on you.

I am a person who believes that everyone deserves a second chance, even liars. They do because I believe that one lies because of pressure not because they want too. They lie because they wanna be the best in your eyes. They wanna prove to you that they can do something good and they are not a wasted sperm. I believe that everyone is kind, I believe that giving money to the homeless is not gonna make you any poorer and saving money everyday is not gonna make you rich. I don't believe that wearing expensive clothes makes you pretty. I believe that giving comfortable clothes away to those who doesn't have enough makes you beautiful. I believe that we are all here for a reason, a reason that made Him believe, that its worth for Him to create you and shape you into this person you are now. Its not easy for me to dislike a person and its definitely not easy for me to like a person. I cry. I cry a lot because it makes me feel better. I don't cry to get attention. I don't complain to annoy someone. I feel like complaining because sometimes, I don't wanna bring my pride down in front of a person to tell them that I'm weak. To be honest, I give that look that I am really strong but deep down inside, I cry even when I see someone begging because I am fragile. Really fragile. Being fragile is not good, and to be honest, I don't like they way I am. They way I look, The life I have, because people judge me. For being this girl with money, and being judged for being rich but not being able to own expensive handbags.  Expensive handbags are not my thing. My parents, they brought me up, that the most expensive thing I own. No money would worth my family because they are my everything. I am a person that would do anything for my family. Then my friends. I am not a friend to one or two. I have many friends who believe and knows that I will be there for them. One thing that they don't know is that, I am not a person who asks for anything in return. I never do something hoping for anything in return. The only thing I do which I want in return is the things I do for myself like exercising, I wanna lose weight in return, or studying, I want good results in return. I am not a person who judges you based on what you are and what you own. I am never materialistic. I adore a person for what they are inside. For me, trust is everything. I will trust you, I definitely will but at the end of they day, its up to you whether you wanna uphold the trust I have in you or you wanna just let it fall down the drain. I've been humiliated, called names and I've been a thing, like a carpet, that they just walk over, that everyone pushed around, but I wasn't that person who hanged around those people. I made the decision to leave and be independent because I believe everyone should be treated equally no matter how they look on the outside. I took the road on my own. Because I know I deserve to be alone than to be treated like trash. I believe everyone have their own soft side, that makes them a better person. I am someone who thinks that, no one wants to be a bad person, its just that they don't know, what to do because everyone around them, is just pushing them to be someone the society thought they would be. I am included in the "society" and I believe that the"society" can be wrong sometimes too.

No one knows yourself better than you. I believe physical is temporary. Nothing is permanent, unless you want it to be permanent. I believe that you can't change one, you can make them live life the way you want them too. I believe that giving people space, helps them. In many ways. There are nights, I would want to pull a rage on you and there are night I just want you to show me that you care. And there are some nights that I just want you to fuck off. But this is me. What are you gonna get by changing me. You are just gonna lose me. A friend, that you know would be there for you through thick and thin. I just want you to accept everyone for what they are this very moment, with everything because these are the ones that will teach you lesson to go forward in life. They, the unchanged them. Look at them, take one step closer and see someone from a different point of view. You have no idea, how much it would change your world.

love.
a.

space, friend.

Lately, I find it really difficult to just bond with boys. I mean it has been my forte, that I am always closer to guys than girls, except Kishya. I mean I don't know why, but lately things are just not going on well.

I am afraid to even go up to my guy friend and say that I really miss him. Afraid that Ill be judged for liking him all over again. I think the world seems more peaceful without us talking. And I find it difficult. I go through this with most of them now, that when I am close to a guy, it is totally misjudged about me liking him, no matter if he is Rhys, Dinesh or even Adam.

I mean, I sometimes, back off too, To just prevent drama, but I wish my social connection is not as shallow as it seems. I believe that today, you can have a good friend, who is a guy, that can sometimes be the only person that can make you feel better, without us having feelings for each other.

It is possible. I guess it all comes down to how we look at the society behavior. That how you analyze everything you see. Do you look at it as something positive or do you look at is as something negative. Not forgetting that certain percentage of people, who would tell any crap they could to just bring you down, because of their jealously. Jealous that you are close to a guy. As for me, being a girl, a lot of girls, really tried hard to bring me down, because I click with boys very easily. And the only thing they can come up with is that I am close to that guy because I like him, i repeat, I like him. It never once was, he likes me.

Why am I not capable of making a guy attracted to me? Like really? You think. Honey bunny, that's where you are wrong. Very wrong.

Sometimes, this is why I am closer to guys,

Okay, moving on.

So lately I realize I've been drifting away from my guy friends, to just prevent from people talking about me behind my back which leads to me being super raged and doing reckless things. I mean this is me. This is what I do. And I know this is not right, but I don't know how else to just let things be, and just move on. Okay maybe gym is an option.

But sometimes, I wish I could just text you how much I miss you, and the same time, I feel like I don't want to invade you space, as uni started and stuff. To be honest, you were there for me once, and now, I dont want you to be my listener or anything, I just wanna see you and give you a big fat hug and catch up on things.

bottom line,

dear lovely boyfriend,

i miss you. you and everything. i sometimes wants to just express to the world to not be judgmental so that i can go out with you to hang out. sometimes, i wish i want to come up to you but you seem so busy that i don't want to invade your space. text me or something. im sure you know who you are.


love,
ashwi.

cherish.

Its just crazy that sometimes, the tiniest incident in life, can make to break you. That tiny one that you never thought would just yeah, do it.

For me, it has always been that, I appreciate every little thing in life, because those small moments, makes me outlook the bigger problems in life.

Even a simple text from anyone I know could make my day. I realize that lately, that I've been in this situation that I was disliking everyone who messes with my feelings. Anything that offense me or some sort like that.

And I feel that I've been losing people I really love. Do I think its worth it to lose good friends, because of me, not being able to control my emotions.

No.

So I've decided that, today onwards I'm gonna just be myself, that very weird yet kind person to people I know because, no matter what, everyone has a bad and a good side. I wish to pretend that I don't look at the bad side but just be there for them for the good in them.

I am twenty. Soon enough, Ill grow older. And as I grow older, I believe that I am gonna grow up mentally and become more mature, well that depends on how we think of the level of maturity, but yeah, grow and have flourish memories so that when I'm filled with platinum hair, I would look down at how I am not, and laugh. And cherish my teenage hood for my lifetime.

_______________________________

Adam, how do I explain, to myself about you, assuming only I read my blog ;)

Really, thank you.
(If we were to read this together, Ill tell you. why. )

Have you ever had this person in your life, that you know no matter how the relationship (friendship etc) ends, you will never regret meeting them.

Thats how I feel that I know at one point in life, we will be definitely separated and we may be strangers again, but i'm sure if that happens, Ill never once ask God, why He took you away from me. Never will. Because when everything goes towards the left, all the right I had with you, will be cherished.

Losing weight is gonna be one of the biggest part of my life. Because it is going to change everything, everything from how people treat me till the extend of the extension of my life span. And I'm glad that I found you, or rather say I chose you to be apart of the journey filled with laughters, happiness, care, love, pain and tears. Theres no one else could make me be what I am today, without you, this journey wouldn't be like how it is today.

Those days, me coming to you, trying so hard to just control my tears, and those night, where I need someone, I know you would be there. Paths in life, may be different for us, but Ill always remember this journey we had together.

Sincerely,
thankyou.

A.

time & money

I just feel that time, is not sufficien for me. I have the whole day and yet I feel that, I wish my nights wee longer. I feel like I'm crazy at this point. Dont ask me why. I just feel like it.

Two days ago, I took my blood sample to send it to the lab, because yeah. my knees. I need to do a full body checkup before I go to the specialist to get my bones checked. I feel old kowing that my knees are in horrible condition. hehe.

I decided to not tell Adam about it because I dont know, I didnt want him to know, but I had to because I was suppose to continue training and I cant just stop temperorily without a good reason. I realize that telling him would be not easy. When I texted him about it, I got a call and a text within 2 minutes. He say he is concern. I call that being very caught up.

This is what I meant, that sometimes, I just dont want to tell him anything.

Moving on, Ive been having this silent twitter war with someone never thought I would. I was so close to him but yet, I cant believe that he annoys the shit outta me. He use to be my favorite guy in school but now that every single thing wites on twitter, thinking it a joke, dont seem funny at all to me. I dont know why a person can get so immatur in life. I know he is like 1 year younger than me, but dude, thats like 7 months difference only. Like dafuq right. I am so annoyed that I dont even wanna talk to him now.

I guess boys will never grow up, thats why they say boys are boys. I dont understand him, i guess because all my best guy friends are matured for their age. Im not kidding. I just love having conversations with them. I realize that I am growing up, with a really good company by me, instead of all thee teenagers today, sex, drug, party.

Moving on,

Money has become an issue for others lately. I mean, I dont have and never will have issues with money because I believe money is temporary. I rather pay attention to something more permanent, like friends and family. I belive that money is not everything.

And  stress this fact to the people around me alot that, for me, money is not everything. Well for me its not everything. And I get back replies like " Oh, you are rich, you have this and that, money is not a issue for you blablabla"

Seriously, shut the fuck up.

I know how hard my parents work that today, they give us everything we want (me and my siblings) and till now, they still work their butts off to make us happy. And Im sorry that my parents work hard to make me and happy and your parents dont care. And I'm sorry that I was born with a silver spoon in my heart. Thing you dont know is that, my parents. WORK THEIR ASS OFF for us and yet they make us work for what we want. I dont get things just because i want them. I have to show results, good behavior etc etc. Maybe my parents way of bringing us up is way different than yours because in my family. We only have one rule. Make sure both mum and dad knows what you are doing. They know that we wouldnt go off limits, because they are sure about how they brought us up.

So please dont come up to me telling me that I dont know the value of money. I do. I know how many nights i spent without my parents around when i was young because they were out working to be who they are today. No one threw money to them nor me. So dont judge.

I really believe that the world would be a better place if no one cared so much about money. That we dont need money to get something. Maybe a device that will beable to count all the good deeds and with that, with all you have collected that ou purchase what you want. This totally remind me of the money "In Time" with Justin Timberlake in it. You know what, I should go watch that movie again. I am sure I can deduce something from it. :)

Philippe Weis: For a few to remain immortal, many must die.

Will Salas: No one should be immortal, if even one person has to die.

In Time, 2011

A.



lies.

I know exams are going on, but there are somethings that I wish I could get off my chest right now. Theres so much to handle, I just wish thursday is here already. I can then at least relax a little.

Anyways, English paper today, I can brush up my english by writing here. 

It annoys me that sometimes, I know that someone is lying. To be honest, I really don't wanna know who is lying to me Because I just find it really hurtful that sometimes its just very frustrating to know that they had been lying. 

I came to core of it, thinking why does lie to us. Then I went on thinking, why do I lie, why does everyone just live with this lie. I admit, that there are times, I feel that, lying is so much better than telling the truth and getting judged. And sometimes lying seems like the only way, to not answer questions you don't wish too. 

Don't get me wrong with this, I am not telling that lying is a good trait, just for the sake of not being judged or hurt, it seems much better. 

So why do we all lie at times.  

One of the main reason that I came up with was the fact that, people accept so much from us, and we feel frustrated that we can't reach to the standard someone wishes us to be. We do really live in a society that always judges, you can deny that. But my society, it never been a day that some has come up to me and say anything nice, without wanting something from me. And this is different with my friends and family because they say nothing nice to me.

I think this do pressure a person with the fact that they want to blend in wherever they are, and sometimes, blending is hard. World today, beauty or money, unless you find those who accept you for who you are. If you don't, 99% of the world consist of people who would do anything to be rich. What they don't understand being rich is not a goal that you wanna have for your life time. Having sufficient money to live life and make yourself happy is good enough. Why does one want so much in life. Whats the point having so much money, but living a lie?

Right now, i feel like a only person wanting to change people's perspective that money is not everything and I feel weak already. I don't think I would even have the power to change it because everyone is so sure that expensive stuff, cars, house, life is everything they want to achieve in life. 

What happens when you achieved all of it already. You can die peacefully or what?

Happiness is not money and happiness doesn't start when you have money because 

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future.

No one has to lie, or be better to live to you standard of living. A person, should be better because they want to be better. Don't force them to be better, don't pressure them to be the one with all. Even if my family have all the money in the world could, 

I don't want a person to judge me because of my family have carved in life, I want you to judge me for what I am gonna carved in the short period of time. 

One thing that I've learnt in life is that, money doesn't stay and money surely does not give one happiness. 

If you wanna live life, give all you have to something that is much more worth it like having good friends, and this can be done by accepting your peers as they are. 

pictures.

I just have this feeling to have a post filled with pictures.

The Little Things. :)

The Little Things.

The really tiny bits of life makes everything else wonderful.
Ive been really hooked with uni as finals is in 2 weeks. I'm really happy that its finally year, and after this, hopefully I can go to a different uni. And together, the fear of taking exams. wanting to get 4.0 gpa. I know its so much to hope for, but this will definitely make me work hard to achieve what I want.

After that, mum was like, go Aussie. I'm like, i love my country mum. moreover, i don't want to leave you and my family and my friends.
Not important.

Yesterday I went for London Summer Musical. My Facebook has the pictures. I mean, i never use to be a musical person but last night, i loved it. It was amazing. I don't know what you think of musicals. but for me, musicals will be something i would invest on. I would really. its just amazing to see them put a character on and sing. and really sing. :)

Moving on,

I remember going gaga over Justin Timberlake when I was 16-17. And ever since then I didn't fangirled this much for someone. those moment in life was annoying because I was sad that I couldn't really meet Timberlake other than seeing him in pictures.

Few days ago, I realize, I'm head over heels in love with Big Bang. No, not the Theory, but the Kpop Big Bang,

 I realize this time around, its not because of them boys, (they do look good) but now, its just I like Big Bang as a group. And an boy band, the whole group, not bias towards anyone. I realize their song is amazing. They can really put their heart and soul in to making music. And their song can be super meaningful or just meaningless in whole. They are that group, that i wish never splits. All five of them make Big Bang what it is.

I know I'm fan-girling like mad right now, as much as i want to get over this phase, I just wish they never stop making music and making my day.

I think you should take time out to listen to them . And they gave me a little hope to not be frustrated because THEY ARE COMING TO MALAYSIA. In october. Its june already. This would be the best birthday gift ever. I really want to get the meet and greet passes. And I have a really high budget for this concert. I seriously don't mind paying. :)

And of all music i listen too, i knew their album is worth buying. They need the support . I bought Alive CD and Still Alive on iTunes. Waiting for Still Alive to be on the shelf so that I can purchase that too.

I can't wait.
You should listen to them like how I do and you will know what is so amazing about the. :D

These are the little things that can really make me smile. :) 

A