What should I call it. I was thinking about Friends with Benefit then went of a Scandal and then I was like maybe its an one-sided love story.
Maybe I'm just over thinking. I just feeling like how I feel right now. Right now, this very moment, I realize that I'm chicken ass scared to be committed in a relationship. I don't want to call someone my boyfriend. Like no. Its freaky to be committed to someone, with me being this very doubtful person. I am doubtful. I doubt everything I hear. I'm not claiming its a good thing, but this is me. I doubt stuff a lot. Really.
DO i really feel having a friend whom is your Friends with Benefit. No. I don't think its wrong, if both parties in the occasion happens to agree to this lifestyle. I find it much more, less stressful to be in one than to be in committed relationship I feel because I that little fear I have in me. Because, there are people who just get very emotionally attach to a person she/he is with when she/he is in a relationship. And the first rule about having a FWB is to let go when you get attached. Well it seem as easy as it look. But how would a person just not be emotionally attached to some he/she having sex with.
Wanting to be in this relationship is definitely gonna cause a lot of pain yet again, save much more than falling in love with someone and just leaving when they want too. Its a different thing if only one individual in this intercourse agrees to it of course. Then again, think about it. Like isn't it better to come clean to someone that you just want to have physical contact with them than pretending to be attached to them emotionally and hurt their feelings.
Will this be something I regret about when I grow older as an individual. I mean honestly, I don't know what to accept as I grow as one bestfriend of mine is planning to move to another country with the man she loves and another one bestfriend doesn't wanna get married and being able to stay at home and take care of his mother. At this pace, I don't even know whether I should get settles in life since I know they are not gonna give me babies to babysit anytime soon. Maybe right now, I just want someone, to show me what live ahas to offer. Someone just to fill up this dryness in this heart of mine with passionate sessions I guess because, I'm losing trust in love. I can see.
I know its not good to lose trust in love, but I can't help myself, that just to not think about it. And i find it really unfair for a guy to be in a relationship with me, just because I need the physical touch. I mean I don't know about others, but this physical intimacy is just the age thing. Its the age where you which you could explore every loop that life has in store.
And till this very moment, I don't understand how does one be in a committed relationship when she was 14, till now. for almost four years. Should I feel ashamed or happy for myself. That I don't have a stable relationship or happy that I had fun than being hooked to one person.
love,
a
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