Leading On.

I've known a guy for almost 5 years now. Years is quite long for the lifespan for an individul who lives in todays generation. And we have been together for like 4 years and we broke up. We broke due to misunderstandings, and then we tried patching things  and i guess it didnt work.

I was really hurt with the fact that I was trying to fix things and how he reacted to it, made me think that he is not gonna put much effort to make things better. I was hurt, i broke, and i patched my things up to feel better. And to the extend, I wanted to talk to him again, just to hurt him and prove a point on how much I was hurt.

I played with his feelings, I hurt him, and this time around, he was serious about making things better and to ensure that our relationship last, but i lead him out about being serious in it too, but in two weeks, i dropped a bomb on him saying that I was dating someone and I just wanted to hurt you feelings, and I did say mean things that I shouldnt.

That I didnt have right too.
To say things, people do mistakes
And he did it, I had no right to judge.

This year, New Year, we started communicating again. I do go out with him, watch a movie for a drink and stuff, and what I forget to mention that, my feeling for him, i switched it off. I did switch it off and i moved on, for real, for once, and I was talking to him normally, but like i said, there was no feelings, there was nothing coming back.

And things really got weird lately, he was really angry when one of my guy friends, took my phone and just sent an I Love You message and he thought it was from me and he was unhappy, because I took it as a joke. This time around, I realize something was really weird.

And it has been bothering  me for couple of nights and I decided to ask him about it.

I asked : 
Have you really moved on from us? From me. 

He replied :

Nope, I'm still here, didnt move anywhere. But you did right?

 I just couldnt answer that. couldn't because that was the truth.

This moment, I was  holding my breath. I think its because I felt really bad with what I did before. I shouldnt have judged him and shouldnt have said anything. But I was hurt, I wanted him to feel what I felt.

I dont think its wrong for a person to move on, for me to move on. No one said I shouldnt. And I'm happy that I did. Because switching the feelings would be one of the best actions, then now, second thoughts all over again.

I promised myself to value me more than I did before, because I dont deserve treatments from others that make me someone who has not worth, value. I wanted to be happy with myself and appreciate myself for being me and not letting others to tell me how to treat myself.

I really feel bad that I didnt know that he wont move on from me, and be happy with someone else who would treat him way better than I did. I cant ask him to switch his feelings to someone else. Now, that I feel so bad for leading him on,

i feel stuck, because i moved on and he didnt, and i want him to move on find someone, so that im sure that its not my fault for him not being happy and being is love now.



I just feel stuck.

Leading on:

Verb: lead on

1. Making a person think you have feelings for them, and that it is going to go further than just friendship, but not intending to go anywhere at all.
2. Allowing a person to continually feel a certain way when you, knowingly, don’t feel the same, but still choose not to tell them.
3. To entice or induce especially when unwise or mistaken
4. Be false to; be dishonest with

.

Write.

I wonder why some people, writes and then just stops writting. The urge to start to write is because writting is one of the way for someone to let go apart of an accident or even writting is a way for keep the fresh memory forever. That whenever they read what they wrote, it brings back memories of the certain incident.

I know people who writes, as a hobby, a job, money making or even to kill boredrom, writting can be also a way for some to express themselves, as they believe that when no one understands them, the only way to let out everything that is boggling your mind is to write.

Some people write to ensure that, the message they want to pass is passed to that certain person, avoiding the fact that when its over the internet, the whole world would be able to read it. And writting is a way for them to let go of their hidden feelings. As it is for me, I've mentioned this before, the purpose of this blog is for me to read when i grow older, the cherish and remember everything that I been through that has manage to make me who I am today.
At first, I was a little insecure that everyone is reading it, then I realize, I cant stop a person from knowing what I am going through and how all the mistakes and pain made me to what i am today. Moreover, this could inspire those who are on the same boat with me.

Well, atleast something that may change their mind. I suppose.

Sometimes, it benefits the writer to let go of their feelings with rants. It doessnt bother anyone, there there would be that small sense of relieve in you. That sometimes, is so much more helpful that keeping everything in.

Those are memories, that when you grow old, you tell you kids and your grandkids. To ensure, you have lived your life to the fullest. Because there are things you cant do when you grow old and there are things you cant do you are young. The only thing we gotta do is grow up becoming someone you want to everyday,

You have the permission ,

to be who you are,
to love what you love,
to be with people you wish to be with
to do what you want to do,
to ask questions
to experience pain and pleasures of your life.
to listen to your body needs
to meet those needs
to explore you inner heart
to not separate yourself into, body, mind, soul, spirit
to be a whole person
to wait for divine guidance.

:)

Maths & Love :)

“Mathematics is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.” 

I was studying for my Mathematics Mid-Term. I know its already 11.59pm. But I felt like blogging. :) Right now, I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty, If You're Gone. :) 

While I was going through my lecture slides, I came across this quote. I felt it funny at the beginning, then I realize, ey, this has carved a niche in my heart. Love, literally a simple idea that we make it so complicated that we feel its such a weight on our shoulders to be in love. 

Sometimes, solving a maths question, isn't that hard. There won't be pain nor tears, its just that feeling of giving up as solutions sometimes hides itself so much, it frustrates the problem solver. The moment we get to solve the question, we realize that it isn't that hard after all, its just us, that we don't want to broaden our minds on all we have learnt and find ways to apply all the applications taught. 

I won't call it stupid to compare Maths and Love. I don't find anything wrong in it. Everything around us, has apart of maths in it. Just like our own life. The Math of Life. And the evolution phase physically and emotionally. The phase where we grow, at the end its numbers, and we can say its Maths. :) 

Most of the time, love, is tempered and difficult to an individual. Why is it hard for us to be happy when we are in love? Wrong Maths perhaps? Maybe not, its just that, we don't realize that love is an easy thing. It is definitely an irrational emotion, that definitely happy. I believe the Math of love is , 

you + me = love 

but today, the math of love is ,

you + me + the world = hardships in love

I don't think there is a need for people to know that you are in love, this mutual feelings should be among the two souls who cares for others dearly. Not the whole world you care for. Its not wrong to care for the world, but there are ways to care for the world and your loved ones. 

be in love, affections is between two, 

love is a simple thing.

we make it tough.

we complain

we let go

we fall

and we try to get ourself together. 

thats life, 

thats what we do. 

maybe its time for us to take the different road 

and fall in love all over again . :) 

this is life, 

no matter, how many time we fall, 

there will be a math for us to climb up and held our head high again. :) 

music & memories.! (:

Three weeks ago, Rhys made me listen to Westlife. Well after ages, i took the time to waste on youtube,just to listen to Westlife. And it made me realize how much I use to love their music. Songs like Swear It Again and Fool Again. This song use to be like the Justin Bieber music for me when I was young.

Me being such a person, I got addicted to Westlife all over again, and i was feeling very gay with it. And i was kept on streaming the songs online. Like the whole album and it made me feel really really happy and the memories when I was a kid and how me and my sister and dad use to sit and watch MTV. And i was feeling , how good was all that, growing up. Haih, we just have too.

I decided to download the album, and also Green Day's American Idiot too. I mean I use to lose these songs and it was definitely on replay. And I was also making all my friends listen to it. That joy, when my friend knows one Westlife song. Priceless.

While I was driving today, I was thinking about my childhood a lot. And as usual, thinking too much. As now I'm on this phase where I wanna let go of my past that I don't wish to remember, does music make me not forget all this. Like since it brought back memories, and tone honest, music is the only thing I depend on my whole life, as it runs in the blood to be a music lover.

Is it a good thing to just listen to old song? 

There are two ways for us to look at the situation.
Obviously, the good and the bad.
Theres always two side to a story.

Half of me thinks its actually a good thing, that music actually brings back a lot of memories. And it makes us realize, how much we have evolved since. Change is something good, and for a music like me, I'm positive, that music has changed me in many ways. And now I'm 20. With music, it bring back memories, that is fading among the people I love, like how I use to connect to my dad via music, as now I see him very rarely. Listening to these musics, makes me to connect myself with him more. Like listening to Santana all the way to Penang, memories. :) Moreover, my childhood, was not perfect, i skinned my heart and my knees too. Skinned knees was healed. And skinned heart, music healed it. That time, there was not good friends like today. And today, we tend to depend so much to our good friends, because they music that is created this generation does not have any meaning and its not something we can relate ourself too to feel so much better.
And those song that we can relate our emotions too, is not mainstream. Stuff like teaching us Monday to Friday is called mainstream music today.

Then there is the other half, that thing its not really a good thing, that these songs bring back so much to us. So much of pain that we've gone through that even the problems you had when you were 12 years old is all coming back. And listening to these songs, doesn't not let us let go of the old memories. to create new ones. Do we really need to let go?  Now, that all is coming back, we tend to be so cautious to everything we are doing, in order to not get hurt, and forget the fact that we are missing a lot in life, and in future, we might just regret that we didn't do something we wish to do, just because of fear.

As it is for today, I'm gonna listen and make myself happy and learnt from every single good and bad memories, because I believe,
the past lead us to the road we are walking today.   

Fear & Love

Right now I'm reading this book ,

the Art of Encouragement - Candy Paull

And I wanna write this down, so that Ill keep it close to my heart.

Fear believes there is never enough
Love believes there is plenty for everyone

Fear believes the worst about people and situation
Love believes the best about people and situation

Fear believes there is only one right answer
Love believes there are many ways to understand something

Fear believes you have to change others through manipulation and coercion to get what you want
Love believes real change comes from the heart, starting with your own heart.

Fear believes things will never change
Love believes any situation can be transformed by the power of love.

Fear believes that everything must be mapped out ahead of time
Love believes that you can trust this process

Fear believes in negative thinking
Love believes in positive choice

Fear believes the damage is done
Love believes healing can happen

Fear believes if you're not success by now, you must be a failure
Love believes you're only a failure when you give up on your dreams

Fear believes I must do everything with my own strength
Love believes there is a Higher Power that wants to help me

Fear believes that everything needs to hyped
Love believes in quiet strength and simple faith

Fear believes life is cheap
Love believes life is precious.

Fear believe anyone different is them
Love believes there is only us

Fear believes its too late
Love believes its never too late

Fear believes the situation is I'm possible
Love believes a solution can be found

Fear believes that fifteen minutes of fame makes you important
Love believes we are all important

Fear believes people a disposable commodities
Love believes people are sacred

Fear believes providing your own superiority over others
Love believes in honoring the greatness in others

Fear believes no one is listening and no one caress
Love believes in prayer

Fear believes effort is only justifies by outward success
Love believes sometimes we need to do something for its own sake.


Thats it for tonight. :3

concept of BFF

I don't know why, but the relationship I have with my close friends, is very close and it makes it look like we have a spark between each other. Its not that I like them in a way that I shouldn't, but that is just how we behave as friend, like acting cute and stuff, and people misconcept our relationship.

It tend to hurt me, for others to have the thought that we like each other or even one of us like the other, and the fact is that, we both know how much we mean to each other. And we are like that, because we are really comfortable with each other. And for us, i don't think its wrong, because our feelings are set straights.

I wish I could just not care what others think about the relationships I have my guy friends. Im sorry that we are close and you don't do things we do although you know him longer than I do. Its just that we bond.

Really well.
I just feel that I shouldn't care about what others think about it. I've talked to a friend about this before, and all he say is that

We know what we have,
Lets not care what others say,
People talk,
You don't make that as a reason for you to leave our friendship.

Well I think what he said is really true. I can't just pretend to be different and not myself around my friend because of  what others think of our relationship.

The things that I could do, to maintain my friendship .


1. Ask yourself what matters to you - Definitely my friend rather than the rumors. 


2. Remember that they are all not watching you - Maybe some is. 


3. Recognize that their opinion can't hurt you - They can unless I don't over think and I careless.


4. Accept that you can't control what people think - ACCEPT IT.!

ilyylmwahf

First, I need my human alarm clock back. Im waking up late every single day. I feel bad for my lecturers who bares with my nonsense wei. I use to wake up like sharp 6am everyday. Like my biological clock is set at 6am. After the one week mid sem break. I realize I've been waking up late everysingle day.

Ahh, next week onwards, my maid needs to wake me up. She woke up later than me today. I just feel so bleagh. As usual in Web Application class and I'm blogging. I came 1 1/2 hours late. But I think the lecturer knows. :) 

Yesterday was a day with pretty much mixed feelings.
It was a holiday as it was the installation for the King, and Malaysia, public holiday. And Daulat Tuanku.

I was at home the whole day and I pretty wasted my whole life with Tetris. And Tetris and Tetris. and Tetris

And at night, I went to the gym . And yesterday was the last day, training with Adam, for the next two months I wont be training. And i felt very angry and sad, that I have to work hard to get into Monash, thus no gym. The thing is that, he was always there pushing me. and now knowing, he is not gonna be yapping in my ears, my confidence level just hit 6 feet under. I was texting him, and at one point, I just dont know what to do .

I really dont. Then I went out with Kishya for dinner, and Kishya being Kishya, immediately, made myday and i totally ignored Adam and now he is ignoring me. fair much. I was very happy that I got to see me bestfriend yesterday and it really made my day. and im seeing her today also. Very excited. :) and Adam, he comes back. :) at the end. :)

imissyou

Yes. I miss so many people right now. But I wanted to set my priority straight that i had to work hard to get my ass into Monash. And I'm missing so much with my best friend. And not forgetting the fact that she is also busy with her 2nd sem. AND IM BLOODY HOOKED, cause right now, I don't want anything more that getting to do my degree.

I think its the phase that we are just so busy with our lives, and we lost track of time with everything that we use to do, like at least meet once a week. But I'm gonna force myself to see her tomorrow. I have too. She is like my significant other, like my best friend and i tell her every single shit i go through and she just know how to put the words together.

Other than the other guy lah. :) he is amazing also. :)


Sometimes, I wonder why is it that we have to grow up. Why. Why. Why. Like can we just be 18 forever. and not be 19 or 20 . Just 18, a little less commitment and problems and responsibility. And just go out, watch movies, have fun and sit in the mamak stall and talk for hours and hours. And get back into my party gear, clubbing and stuff, since I don't feel like doing any of this now as I wanna ace in my studies.


Maybe its the phase where we need some time away and we just don't wanna put any effort and meet. Or maybe its just me, or its just you. Thats I don't want to put any effort to find free time and keep myself bloody hooked with stuff. And I'm sorry. I am really. But I'm glad I'm seeing you tomorrow, although just for awhile. Its something . at least. :)

Everybody needs some time away,
I heard her say,
From each other. 


- Hard to say I'm Sorry, Westlife


Babe, thank you so much for being there with me and I want you to know that Ill always be here for you no matter what happens. And grow old together as the best friend, that everyone envies. I may not be the best person to express my love to you, but the fact is, I really love you for being an amazing friend and Ill learn how to express my love towards you :)


J Kishyarani Jayabalan 
I LOVE YOU :)

Just like us. :)

RhysLJW

Sleep is productive to the soul. - Rhys
Wrapping this fact around my head.


When I was young, i remember listening to really good music from really good bands. Like Westlife. I feel so Nostalgic listening to them today. I lost the sight of them, and how much I use to love them. Remembering how my dad use to get Westlife CD's for us. It felt so good to take roadtrips and listening to them.

I dont know how much Westlife can make you remember your childhood but for me, I remember the days I had in my primary school. It felt good. Right now, I wish I could find all the Westlife CD that Dad use to collect.


Moving on,

today is my bestfriends birthday. And I want him to know I love him for always being there for me, through up's and downs. I have the most amazing time with him. Like he knows how to make me feel better and make me believe in something that  I dont. We are so busy nowadays, that we have our own stuff to do and I'm so busy to get my ass to Monash. Lets make the best out of it :) I hope you likes your birthday gift.

Kishya, Ashwi, Rhys

Have a great one love.

Happy 20th Birthday . :)

misconception.

I was watching this one documentary about how people look at things about africa? By this lady called Unity.C . This was one of Pop Tech's conference.

And she explain to different situation with the same point and why we look at things the different way.

Adam was about to propose to Amanda, and he bought her a really pretty diamond ring which worth around 20,000 USD. And everyone was very happy, they say the diamond expressed how much they loved each other.

on the other hand,

James was about to propose to Alicia. And he gave her 20 cows in order to get Alicia from a parents. And this was against the society as they say that the girl has to be bought from their parents in Africa.

What about thinking that, 20 cows cause 20,000 dollars and this means a way of the African's showing love.. Instead of getting diamond rings.

Then they came up saying that, they are torturing the animals. 20 cows.

Then what about digging up the earth to get the diamond worth 20k dollars


i think this is something that we should really ponder on.

force, x

I push people away, then ill feel relieve a little. because theres one less who is gonna hurt me, then after awhile, i feel rather empty. :/ sometimes, very empty and i get this tingling feeling that i don't understand.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of them hurting me. Why that I can't handle things and why I just can't be normal with all this, because i believe this is part and parcel of life. And i tell this to my friends that even i can't imply to myself.

Its very weird that when you look at it from far, the road seems so perfect and the closer you go to appreciate the beauty, you find holes. emptiness, ugliness. everything that just not the niche of life.

Sometimes, i tend to be really mean to people, its not that i don't. its one of the weakness that i seem to can't get my hands off, when I'm really upset, i tend to get annoyed with everything around me, and when people come up to me with questions, i tend to give mean answers. i don't want you to try to understand my feelings. i really don't. I just want you to not care. because you asking me, is never gonna make me feel better. i don't want to torture your life with my ever longing problems. i just want you to not care. about what i feel. one minute i rant, the next i get over it and move on. its not a permanent thing, don't come up to me about it. i don't want to hurt your feelings because at the end of the day, i will feel really bad about it, like now.

looking back, there are many things that i just don't understand about myself. that why is it hard to just let go. and believe no one is like them. why i get so attached to people and when they leave, it tears me up so much. 

like i said before, i know it nothing permanent. as time flies, i believe al this worries would too. everything is about time. And i think we should not just rush into things. :)