leave if you want too.

When someone you think would never disappoint you eventually does disappoints you, it's like you are slapping your own face. That feeling where you just want to hit yourself so hard for having so much hope on one person, even after so many others have disappointed you in many ways. 

It's kinda frustrating when there is so much other things you can do, other than making people around you always feel better. But I did not, did not do all the other things to ensure the ones I love are okay. I wasn't doing anything hoping for something in return, but sometimes, I wish they'd just appreciate it. 

No one has ever done something for me that I wish they'd have. But I am not complaining, its okay for them to not do anything for me, because they least someone I love could do is appreciate me for who I am. I feel lately, I've been invisible. Maybe in their eyes, I am, or I will always be. I think that one of the most cruel thing you can do to a person is to pretend you care more than you actually do. 

I totally understand with the term, we have our own life. We do. I agree, and I totally agree that our lives doesn't revolve around each other, but for me, my life at least; it revolves around making people around me feel better, because it eventually brings positive vibes into me as well. I wouldn't pretend or even assume someone with such a strong figure have no feelings nor fragile side of them. 

I have a soft spot for so many people in my life. And just this one soft spot definitely leads to many disappointments. And at one point, there's nothing much you can do about it, because you believed too much in this one person. 

Don't take someone for granted just because you know every time you push them away, they'd come back running to you. Cause one day they wont. One day I will not be there, because I've already given up, maybe in you maybe in me. But I've given up on everything. And I wont be there any more, making sure you are doing okay. 

Honestly, that is not someone I would want to be, giving up on you or even myself, cause for the past 20 years, the battle I fought to be where I am today will not be worth it at all.

It effects me if you leave, if anyone leaves, it effects me badly, I literally will break, but I'd rather have that once and move on, rather than you doing it over and over again because I don't want to cry to sleep, just because I am invisible to you. I'd rather lose you once than you hurting me over and over again. 

x.

Problem #1234

I churn most of my thought when I am driving. I guess its no where I can run too, when my mind is scattered in many ways. But maybe that is one of the reasons why I actually really enjoy driving and a little of traffic jam. Because there is no where I can run at this point, where I am literally nothing to do and my brain will use all this time to think.

I know, over thinking can be bad, but at times, it makes you realize what are your self worth in life.

Last night, I tried to like sleep early because I have a really early class today, thanks to Monash. :D
And I normally don't sleep at 10pm, although that is really ideal. I sleep on average at 2am. Because I have many issues and sleeping is one.
Phone was ringing at 12am for who else other than the ex boyfriend. It was a surprise that he actually called, I mean he never calls and yesterday he did. And I definitely called back, thinking it must be something really important that he would wanna inform me or something, atleast I was hoping for it to be important.

And all he called for is to ask whether I have Lord of the Rings, DVD version. Not blue-ray but DVD. And he specifically told me, that he would not watch it if its Blue-ray. Sometimes I wonder, how did I ever fell in love with a bitch. I mean it was a pretty hard hit on the floor though, this one at least.
So moving on from that conversation, I was pretty upset with Adam right now, I don;t really wanna talk about it with anyone, but definitely someone I trust.
And this guy right here is definitely someone I trust, but the point is trusting  is one, but I forget about the fact that I needed someone judgemental. Being a typical indian guy himself, judging is the first thing that he would do.

I realize that sometimes, he feels really happy to see my scar myself this much with emotions. I mean he gives me the most sarcastic comments ever. And the way he has this sarcastic laugh because people are leaving me. And the way he feels, so gay when someone decides to hurt my feelings or anything like that.

I don't understand why is it important for him that I am actually failing. In average right now, I am definitely failing in life, and I know that. I am not waiting for a miracle to change it, but I guess sometimes its just me, just me that I give dealing with people. I distant myself because sometimes, that's just me. And it doesn't really effect me unless someone says it to my face. And I think that is why sometimes I am so reserved that I don't really wanna talk things out with anyone because they judge.

Why can't someone just get through the day without judging or making each other feel bad.
I mean I know you are my ex, but if you really have a problem with my dating life, maybe you should take one turn and look at how I treat you, I am your ex too. And I think I deserve to be treated with much more respect. I didn't cheat on you or hurt your feelings, but why are you still doing it?

Is it because I shrug things off my shoulder easily to prevent trouble, that at the end it makes me look bad always? Or am I just too nice, that you know I eventually forgive you, like always.